Sister's Wedding Day

Robin9

mrstemperton wrote: »

My younger sister passed away unexpectedly in October 2016 aged 26. She was supposed to be getting married in June this year. We feel like her wedding day should not pass without being recognised but I don't know what to do without it seeming morbid. I feel like some sort of get together with the wedding guests? Any suggestions?

I do think its morbid - marking a day which hasn't been. Everybody will grieve your sisters death in many ways and the first anniversary of her death can be very painful but how many would actually know what the proposed wedding day would be ?

Just be around for your parents and her fiance.

Mojisola

ognum wrote: »

There is no herachy to grief and while of course your sisters finances wishes are important it is just as important that the other members of the family celebrate your sisters live and mourn her death in a way appropriate to them.

It is worth considering that you do not all need to do this together, we are all different and grieve in different ways.

The problem with using the planned wedding day as a memorial day is that it would have been his big day as well as hers so I feel that his wishes should take priority over others.

There are other special days, such as her birthday, that the family could use for a gathering.

ognum

Mojisola wrote: »

The problem with using the planned wedding day as a memorial day is that it would have been his big day as well as hers so I feel that his wishes should take priority over others.

There are other special days, such as her birthday, that the family could use for a gathering.

I understand this but there is nothing to stop who ever wants marking the day.

For those who grieve it is far worse that special days are ignored than they are acknowledge in an appropriate way.

Fianc! can do as he wants and the family do not need a big party but they can acknowledge the day.

It is very unlikely that anything will make the day worse for the young man or the family so it's important people acknowledge their love and loss as they wish.

Mojisola

mrstemperton wrote: »

He's still at my mum & dad's house all the time so it wouldn't be anything different.

ognum wrote: »

Fianc! can do as he wants and the family do not need a big party but they can acknowledge the day.

It is very unlikely that anything will make the day worse for the young man or the family so it's important people acknowledge their love and loss as they wish.

As he in such close contact with her family, them having a 'do' if he is unhappy about the idea could make things worse for him.

While we all have to grieve in our own way, we should still take other people's feelings into account. After Mum died, we wouldn't have done something that Dad wasn't comfortable with - we felt his feelings had to be given priority and we certainly wouldn't have done anything that upset him.

There are lots of different ways and different occasions where we can express our grief - there's rarely only one time that's the only one that matters.

ognum

Mojisola wrote: »

As he in such close contact with her family, them having a 'do' if he is unhappy about the idea could make things worse for him.

While we all have to grieve in our own way, we should still take other people's feelings into account. After Mum died, we wouldn't have done something that Dad wasn't comfortable with - we felt his feelings had to be given priority and we certainly wouldn't have done anything that upset him.

There are lots of different ways and different occasions where we can express our grief - there's rarely only one time that's the only one that matters.

Of course we all have to appreciate others feelings and there are ways to celebrate or grieve someone's life other than a 'do'.

You are assuming he doesn't want this, maybe I have missed it, where does it say that. It seems a lot of people has assumed this but no one has said it.

I spend many hours a week working with those who have been bereaved, most regret the things they didn't do rather than what they did do.

Op keep an open mind, be mindful of others but do talk about it.

happyandcontented

ognum wrote: »

There is no herachy to grief and while of course your sisters finances wishes are important it is just as important that the other members of the family celebrate your sisters live and mourn her death in a way appropriate to them.

It is worth considering that you do not all need to do this together, we are all different and grieve in different ways.

Maybe you should consider what you would like to do and invite others to join you if the wish and to opt out if that is what they want as well. Some people like to get together others prefer to be alone. Maybe you could do something practical and raise money for a charity close to your sister, maybe you could go on a country walk or maybe a party is more appropriate.

The most important thing is that everyone does what they feel is right.

I disagree with that, in fact I was just reading an open letter from a recently widowed young women entitled ( and I might be paraphrasing but it was something very similar) "please respect the hierarchy of grief".

It was about family an friends posting on social media after a death and who should post and when, but it also touched on the point being made here.

For immediate family the birthday/anniversary of a loved one is a significant date. In this case the event was a wedding and the signficance of that is firstly, imo, for the groom to be and his hopes for the day that sadly didn't happen.

ViolaLass

It strikes me that your sisters wedding day would not have been primarily about you and your relationship with her so why should it become so just because she is dead?

ognum

happyandcontented wrote: »

I disagree with that, in fact I was just reading an open letter from a recently widowed young women entitled ( and I might be paraphrasing but it was something very similar) "please respect the hierarchy of grief".

It was about family an friends posting on social media after a death and who should post and when, but it also touched on the point being made here.

For immediate family the birthday/anniversary of a loved one is a significant date. In this case the event was a wedding and the signficance of that is firstly, imo, for the groom to be and his hopes for the day that sadly didn't happen.

I disagree

Are you saying that the death of a spouse is 'worse' than the death of a child.

For some people the death of a friend is the most deverstating experience of their lives.

Who are we to say?

Maybe when posting on someone's Facebook page there is some kind of order or some people believe there is but actually everyone is allowed their own grief. Is the widow 'more mportant' than the mum, dad or sibling?

happyandcontented

ognum wrote: »

I disagree

Are you saying that the death of a spouse is 'worse' than the death of a child.

For some people the death of a friend is the most deverstating experience of their lives.

Who are we to say?

Maybe when posting on someone's Facebook page there is some kind of order or some people believe there is but actually everyone is allowed their own grief. Is the widow 'more mportant' than the mum, dad or sibling?

No, I am not referring to how people feel as much as how they express that feeling. I have just lost a very close friend, and as you say, I am devastated, but if I was with her husband and children it would be their grief I weighed above my own. Therefore, I would take my cue from them.

In this case the event was geared to the couple, therefore, I think his grief and feelings should take precedence over the rest of the family.

As you also said, he may well be very happy to mark the occasion, equally, he may not. If he isn't, then imo that should be respected and the marking of the occasion should be done more low key and privately.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

ognum wrote: »

I disagree

Are you saying that the death of a spouse is 'worse' than the death of a child.

For some people the death of a friend is the most deverstating experience of their lives.

Who are we to say?

Maybe when posting on someone's Facebook page there is some kind of order or some people believe there is but actually everyone is allowed their own grief. Is the widow 'more mportant' than the mum, dad or sibling?

It was to be his day with his fiancee. It's not her birthday or Christmas, it was going to be their special day, chosen by them.

If you take it from a religious perspective, it was the day that they were to be married in the eyes of God, not that the family was to be married. If you don't, it was to be the day that two adults were to enter into a legal contract to formalise their loving relationship, not that the family was to make a contract. It was to about about their love and wish to promise to be together for the rest of their lives, not for the family to celebrate their existence.

That's why I believe it genuinely is about him and his wishes, not anybody else's.

I'm getting married this year. If something were to happen to OH and that didn't happen, I don't think I'd want people having a party (which is how I'd interpret it) on what should have been our day. If something happened to me, I'd (assuming there is some form of consciousness) be pretty peeved that our day was hijacked by others making it all about me and them, when they've got any other day in the year to do that and it should be all about him and what he wants. And, quite bluntly, I'd be more interested in their being available to make sure that he didn't do something harmful to himself than having a drink or five to my memory again.

As I've said, it's my opinion. If somebody else feels differently, fine, but I think that being told by relatives 'we're having a get together to mark your special day that never was, turn up if you like, but if you don't and need us, we'll be [strike]having a good time when your world has fallen apart[/strike] in the pub/Church Hall/restaurant' would feel quite insensitive to me.