Sister's Wedding Day

mrstemperton

My younger sister passed away unexpectedly in October 2016 aged 26. She was supposed to be getting married in June this year. We feel like her wedding day should not pass without being recognised but I don't know what to do without it seeming morbid. I feel like some sort of get together with the wedding guests? Any suggestions?

lika_86

Sorry for your loss. Why not have a quiet family meal with the person she was due to marry?

mrstemperton

We do that a few times a week He's still at my mum & dad's house all the time so it wouldn't be anything different.

lika_86

It's up to you but I just wonder if getting all the wedding guests together would not only potentially prove expensive but also potentially end up being a bit like a second funeral.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

How about planting a tree or flowering shrub in a small private ceremony with her nearest and dearest? It marks her memory without turning into a ghost wedding.

penguingirl

Really sorry for your loss. I would probably go with what her fiance wants to do as their wedding day was about them as a couple. Whereas I think family might want to take more of a lead marking her birthday or similar. Her fiance might want to have a quieter 'do', or go somewhere that was significant in their relationship. In terms of inviting the wedding guests- was it a big wedding? My experience of weddings is that they are so busy, that in reality family don't have time to talk to all the guests properly and that might not be be intimacy or support that people want to have on the day. Alternative is that you do something really different as a family- a sponsored run/ walk or a special trip somewhere- might be the less morbid you were looking for? If you did a sponsored event you could ask guests to sponsor you (if that's something you wanted to do), or even just ask them all to have a drink for your sister on that night.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I think that you (and family) should take a back seat to what her fiance wants on this. He might not want to be so starkly reminded that this should have been his wedding day - he might want to shut himself away with a bottle of scotch and drink himself to oblivion for a night, pretend that the day isn't happening by staying in bed or go and sit beside the sea, just anywhere rather than see lots of people wearing smart clothes and getting together when he should have been waiting for his beautiful bride to walk towards him.

You need to be prepared for him not wanting you to do anything at all. By all means ask him, but rather than in terms of what you as a family want or think should happen, ask him if he has any thoughts - and I'd be prepared for a strong reaction, as the suggestion itself might not go down too well with him.

rach_k

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think I agree with others that perhaps the day should be more about what her partner wants to do, but could you do something more symbolic like sending the wedding guests a packet of seeds each, preferably something that will flower next year in June? I don't know if you can find flowers that would be planted this June to flower next June, but people could wait to plant them. Wild flowers are nice as they're easy to grow.

suejb2

Similar to rach above. The flower for June is a rose, maybe not as a whole wedding guest list idea but individually. If those that want to can buy a rose, be it a bush to plant or simply a single rose of their choice to remember .

My sympathies.

jackyann

Although I agree that in many ways the day should be fiance's choice, there are other close family members grieving, and they may feel the need to mark the day in their own way.

I would broadly go with the suggestion of an informal gathering at a 'special place' - if you, as sister, or your parents want to do so. Send out a 'turn up if you would like' message. Fiance can come along if he wants, stay at home, or go elsewhere, and doesn't need to decide until the last minute.

Was a church or other religious place involved? I have known the vicar make some time to spend a quiet few minutes with the family in this situation.

My thoughts are with you.

ognum

There is no herachy to grief and while of course your sisters finances wishes are important it is just as important that the other members of the family celebrate your sisters live and mourn her death in a way appropriate to them.

It is worth considering that you do not all need to do this together, we are all different and grieve in different ways.

Maybe you should consider what you would like to do and invite others to join you if the wish and to opt out if that is what they want as well. Some people like to get together others prefer to be alone. Maybe you could do something practical and raise money for a charity close to your sister, maybe you could go on a country walk or maybe a party is more appropriate.

The most important thing is that everyone does what they feel is right.