How to avoid meeting up

justme111

Sunny_ wrote:

I confess, I'm a wuss. .

That seems to be the crux of the matter. Managing social situations like someone following us into sauna is one of the tasks adults have. If he been known to leave you in piece for months than there is hope. Apologies for being harsh in my first reply, glad writing here was helpful , it is like free counselling, is not it?:D Good luck x

spirit

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

No, but sometimes he leave me alone for a few months, when I've said 'yeah busy at the moment, will contact when free'.


I agree, just easier said than done.



LOL, I think that was my original question in post 1. It's just that we got sidetracked into discussing other things .

I confess, I'm a wuss. I'd probably tell someone else the same advice, but for me to do it, it's like 'argh'.

I think my problem on how to tell him is:
1. I don't know what to say;
2. He's my friend's widow; and
3. He's old.

Agreed it's not going to be easy. but at the moment you probably feel that's it's occupying more of your time and energy than it should do. It's clearly bothering you - as it would me.


Avoiding tactics won't really sort it out, As to how to do it kindly, again, to quote itsanne I think I'd say to him - in person or reply to his next text, that you find it far too upsetting and you'd rather not continue to meet up.


Then don't get involved in further dialogue with him if he replies. You can at some point in the future just get back to passing the time of day in the street and that's it.

itsanne

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

LOL, I think that was my original question in post 1. It's just that we got sidetracked into discussing other things .

I confess, I'm a wuss. I'd probably tell someone else the same advice, but for me to do it, it's like 'argh'.

I think my problem on how to tell him is:
1. I don't know what to say;
2. He's my friend's widow; and
3. He's old.

I didn't see this until after I'd posted.

Because of his behaviour, neither being your friend's widower nor being old should be relevant. If he didn't make you uncomfortable I would think differently (as my earlier post shows), but he does.

What to say? If you don't want to keep having the same dilemma you will need to be blunt - not rude, but not trying to find a 'gentle' way of saying what needs to be said. I think that you need to say that you feel uncomfortable, not just that you don't want to meet up, otherwise he'll continue to follow you around. How about one of the following? You're bound to feel even more uncomfortable at the time, but it should then be over with.

"I'm very busy just now, but you're making me feel uncomfortable because you're following me around so much."

"I'm sorry, but you've been making me feel uncomfortable by following me around so I'd like you to stop and I don't want to meet up."

Sunny_Saver

itsanne wrote: »

...

If your husband recognises how uncomfortable this man makes you feel enough to suggest a new gym,

I don't think he 'recognises' it in that he sees the problem. He just knows I think there's a problem. Does that make any sense????

He thinks the guy's lonely not a stalker. He's an oldie. So, ok, maybe my choice of words is wrong. Maybe I should say 'I feel it's being a nuisance or a bother to me'.

Writing my thoughts down. If I said that to OH, I can imagine him saying 'his wife was very good to you, she was your friend, just meet him and get it over and done with'.

Sunny_Saver

justme111 wrote: »

That seems to be the crux of the matter. Managing social situations like someone following us into sauna is one of the tasks adults have. If he been known to leave you in piece for months than there is hope. Apologies for being harsh in my first reply, glad writing here was helpful , it is like free counselling, is not it?:D Good luck x

Awww you could have said 'no, you are no wuss'. Justlietome111 to make me feel better. :rotfl::rotfl:

Don't worry, I was responsible as I didn't explain myself very well in my original post. I didn't want to appear too long winded in case people got bored.

Yes this is very much free counselling and it's sometimes easier to tell you guys than people I know.

Sunny_Saver

Children, as in very young kids, are often very direct and honest and just say it as it is. If only life were as easy as when I was a child!

Also sorry I've quoted so many posts separately, I have no idea how to do it in one post!

itsanne

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

I don't think he 'recognises' it in that he sees the problem. He just knows I think there's a problem. Does that make any sense????

He thinks the guy's lonely not a stalker. He's an oldie. So, ok, maybe my choice of words is wrong. Maybe I should say 'I feel it's being a nuisance or a bother to me'.

Writing my thoughts down. If I said that to OH, I can imagine him saying 'his wife was very good to you, she was your friend, just meet him and get it over and done with'.

It makes sense, but it begs the question: have you described things to your husband as you've described them to us? You don't give the impression that you think the man is just a nuisance or bother (which is what I thought initially), so don't change what you say unless it's what you actually mean. Tell your husband that the man is not just a nuisance but is making you feel very uncomfortable, unless that's simply come over more strongly than is the case while you've been explaining the situation. If your husband doesn't know how strongly you feel, he can't take account of that when discussing it / advising you. What you can hear him saying in your head may well not be what he would say if he understood how strongly you feel.

The problem with just meeting the man and getting it over and done with is ..... it won't be.

spirit

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

I don't think he 'recognises' it in that he sees the problem. He just knows I think there's a problem. Does that make any sense????

He thinks the guy's lonely not a stalker. He's an oldie. So, ok, maybe my choice of words is wrong. Maybe I should say 'I feel it's being a nuisance or a bother to me'.

Writing my thoughts down. If I said that to OH, I can imagine him saying 'his wife was very good to you, she was your friend, just meet him and get it over and done with'.

but it wouldn't just be a case of get it over and done with wouid it? Like the veeeeery long lunch thing, he'd be back wanting to repeat it.

takman

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

I don't think he 'recognises' it in that he sees the problem. He just knows I think there's a problem. Does that make any sense????

He thinks the guy's lonely not a stalker. He's an oldie. So, ok, maybe my choice of words is wrong. Maybe I should say 'I feel it's being a nuisance or a bother to me'.

Writing my thoughts down. If I said that to OH, I can imagine him saying 'his wife was very good to you, she was your friend, just meet him and get it over and done with'.

Why would he say that? You said his wife didn't even have time for you for 3 years so she wasn't really that good of a friend. Even if she was a good friend thats nothing to do with him and you don't owe him anything.

Sunny_Saver

itsanne: I thought I had. I just rung a friend and told him. He understood. His advice was either be direct and or tell him it's not convenient to meet up.

Actually, itsanne, I'm sure I did because when I said, don't you find that behaviour odd to go in a different direction just because I am. OH's response was depends on the circumstances. He's lonely. My mum's was 'he just wants company'. I then repeated again the incidents. Thing is, if he was a 30 or 40 year old guy, who's wife was previously my friend, I'm sure they'd say a different thing

Spirit: You are sooo funny, yes the 'verrrry' long lunch.

I know I'm just going to have to bite the bullet or else we will be having this same conversation this time next year (unless he's on wife 2).