How to avoid meeting up

Sunny_Saver

Judi wrote: »

Sod that. I think he's looking for wife number 2! Ok I've said it!

judi: to quote your quote 'holy crap' :rotfl:.

His texts/seeing him often causes sleepless nights and worry about what to say or do, so nice to laugh about it for once.

Who knows really? When I was a kid I always thought my friend's parents were really happy and good together, they were always loved up. Turns out the husband was having an affair:eek:. You just dont know what goes on it people's minds or behind closed doors.

spirit

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

Max: in my culture, we give mourners a little 'gift'. I put 'gift' in inverted commas because I'm not sure what the term is in English or if, indeed, there is an equivalent in English. It's our duty as family members of the deceased to do this. Our thinking/philosophy/cultural belief behind this is if people have come to pay their respects, we respect them back.

Update: I have expressed the above to OH. He thinks the guy is in his 80s so not going to be a stalker, I didn't tell him what markdabby said, maybe I should have just lonely.

OH is going to come to lunch with me. If he mentions meeting up again, we're going to say we're really busy for next few months.

Now it's a question of timing and when to meet up.

Why are you even considering doing this? It just prolongs the agony for you. itsanne I think it was who said in effect, just say no thanks, rip the plaster off quickly, stings at first.....

Sunny_Saver

Spirit!

Back to what judi said : wouldnt it be funny if he texts a few months later to say, I only wanted to meet up to introduce you to my third wife . Wife No 2 was 101.

ripplyuk

Sunny, this man makes you very uncomfortable. He follows you even into the sauna! His behaviour is verging on harassment/stalking and now we hear the stress is affecting your sleep too. Why on earth do you ever want to meet with him again?

We know he's not lonely. (Not that it would be your problem anyway). If anything, he sounds slightly over confident socially. You will make things harder for yourself if you agree to see him at all. Any interaction is going to drag this out. And probably wear you down too.

My advice is to cut all contact with him. If he pesters you to meet up, just say 'No, I don't want to'. Nothing else. Any excuses such as 'too busy' will just create opportunities for him to find a way to persuade you. Ignore his calls/texts or block his number. If he follows you in the street, just keep walking.

spirit

ripplyuk wrote: »

Sunny, this man makes you very uncomfortable. He follows you even into the sauna! His behaviour is verging on harassment/stalking and now we hear the stress is affecting your sleep too. Why on earth do you ever want to meet with him again?

We know he's not lonely. (Not that it would be your problem anyway). If anything, he sounds slightly over confident socially. You will make things harder for yourself if you agree to see him at all. Any interaction is going to drag this out. And probably wear you down too.

My advice is to cut all contact with him. If he pesters you to meet up, just say 'No, I don't want to'. Nothing else. Any excuses such as 'too busy' will just create opportunities for him to find a way to persuade you. Ignore his calls/texts or block his number. If he follows you in the street, just keep walking.

^^^^^^^ this

pollypenny

The guy sounds like a creep! Would you bother with him if he wasn't the widower of your friend?

Sunny_Saver

pollypenny wrote: »

The guy sounds like a creep! Would you bother with him if he wasn't the widower of your friend?

Maybe creep is too harsh, but ripplyuk's description of over confident socially sounds perfect. He would happily to talk to anyone and everyone.

No. If I knew him from going to the same pool as him I'd just say hello. At least that's what I think - the age gap is quite significant, so I doubt if we'd be friends or go out. A brief chat at most. Oh, and thinking about it, and I don't mean to sound sexist, I doubt if I would go out socially with a man that age if I didn't know his wife or a different background to knowing him.

I think you can get away with things being old. I told my husband and mother my concerns. They said he's 80 something, he wouldn't stalk you, he just wants attention and people to talk to all the time. So does that mean that if you are 80 something people don't suspect you of anything anymore?

OH did say if it bothers you, join a new gym. It's more money, but if it makes me more comfortable then do that.

spirit

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

Maybe creep is too harsh, but ripplyuk's description of over confident socially sounds perfect. He would happily to talk to anyone and everyone.

No. If I knew him from going to the same pool as him I'd just say hello. At least that's what I think - the age gap is quite significant, so I doubt if we'd be friends or go out. A brief chat at most. Oh, and thinking about it, and I don't mean to sound sexist, I doubt if I would go out socially with a man that age if I didn't know his wife or a different background to knowing him.

I think you can get away with things being old. I told my husband and mother my concerns. They said he's 80 something, he wouldn't stalk you, he just wants attention and people to talk to all the time. So does that mean that if you are 80 something people don't suspect you of anything anymore?

OH did say if it bothers you, join a new gym. It's more money, but if it makes me more comfortable then do that.

That doesn't really solve the issue of his texts/phone calls and stalker-ish street behaviour does it.


I still think, tackle this head on. It only needs doing once and you can all get on with your lives.


You don't have to feel you are being rude, if you say it in the right way.

Sunny_Saver

spirit wrote: »

That doesn't really solve the issue of his texts/phone calls and stalker-ish street behaviour does it.

No, but sometimes he leave me alone for a few months, when I've said 'yeah busy at the moment, will contact when free'.

spirit wrote: »

I still think, tackle this head on. It only needs doing once and you can all get on with your lives.

I agree, just easier said than done.

spirit wrote: »

You don't have to feel you are being rude, if you say it in the right way.

LOL, I think that was my original question in post 1. It's just that we got sidetracked into discussing other things .

I confess, I'm a wuss. I'd probably tell someone else the same advice, but for me to do it, it's like 'argh'.

I think my problem on how to tell him is:
1. I don't know what to say;
2. He's my friend's widow; and
3. He's old.

itsanne

While it's thoughtful of your husband to suggest joining a new gym, that's just sweeping everything under the carpet while it's all still there. You'd have one place you weren't constantly looking over your shoulder - for now. Everything else would still cause the same concern.

If your husband recognises how uncomfortable this man makes you feel enough to suggest a new gym, I don't understand why he's then happy for you to have lunch with him. From the man's perspective, it's showing him that if he keeps asking he'll eventually get what he wants. You could end up exacerbating the problem rather than alleviating it.