Fallen out with parents

bertiewhite

I just thought I'd ask everyone's advice on this and I'll try to make it uncomplicated ...

I am on my 2nd marriage and both my wife and I have always felt that my parents haven't really accepted my wife (we've been together 7 years now).

Christmas just gone, I invited my parents to stay which they did. I've asked them to stay for many years but as I live much further away than my brother, they have tended to stay at home in previous years.

My Dad has always been opinionated, stubborn and generally set in his ways but this visit was awful. Each morning, he would say good morning to me and walk straight past my wife, he would interrupt her conversations and start talking to me about something completely irrelevant and after every meal he would thank ME for everything when my wife had cooked most meals. On top of this he has appalling manners - I'm not going to go into details but it's the sort of stuff you would pick a child up on :eek:

This is only the tip of the iceberg but my Mum seems to make excuses for him and a lot of the time she seemed angry that I had pointed out my Dad's behaviour.

Anyway, when it was time for me to take them back to the train station for their journey home my Dad just walked out of the door without saying goodbye to my wife so I prompted him to which he simply said "see you again". My wife mumbled under her breath "I don't think so" but my Mum heard it and was visibly annoyed.

There was silence for the entire journey and when we got to the train station, my Mum said that there was no need for the comment and that she thought my wife was very rude. I explained to her (out of earshot of my Dad) about how we both felt and that she was defending my dad's rudeness and at this she simply said that he was her husband and my Dad and that's how he's always been. I replied that they had both brought me up to have good manners and that he should know better. She then commented that my wife "had me right where she wanted me" implying that my Dad's behaviour was made up. My parting words were that I loved my Mum and would phone her at the weekend but I never did, mainly because I hate the fact that neither of them seem to like my wife.

The more I think about it, I now wonder if my Dad is showing early signs of dementia. I want to phone my Mum and ask her if she thinks the same but the longer it goes without me speaking to her, it gets harder to pick up the phone and ask that difficult question. Maybe she knows herself and is burying her head in the sand but I don't want to end up in a few years time being blamed for not raising my concerns earlier.

I did send Mum a quick text the other day asking how they both were and she replied saying that they were both fine but how do I broach the subject of dementia?

spadoosh

What have you got that suggest he has dementia because the last time i checked, disliking your sons wife wasnt on the symptoms checklist.

There might be plenty of symptoms etc but you simply havent mentioned them, the dementia bit came out of the blue?!

tea_lover

You say he's always been opinionated and stubborn - so where on earth has the dementia idea come from?

AylesburyDuck

No i dont think Dementia in the slighest, he doesnt like your wife and your mother enables him.
If you suggest Dementia YOUR enableing him by providing an excuse as well.
Dont, it's vile behavior on his part, and frankly i would be leaving themselves to themselves untill they discovered the error of there ways, or not, either way, wife should rightly come first.
Let your brother cope with there ill mannered ways in future.

UKTigerlily

Sorry but i'm shocked that you've taken the time to write this, and haven't told your Dad in no uncertain terms that how he treats your Wife is unacceptable! If I were you, i'd be telling him that until he can be civil you don't want to hear another word from him!

lisyloo

My MIL has dementia and I can confirm that this is not a symptom.
People with dimensia can be very forgetful even not recognising offspring.
They can have sudden dramatic changes of mood and also be vile, but that doesn't fit what you are talking about.


Can you ask your Dad/Mum why he is behaving this way towards her?
Can any other person be a third party?


If it can't be resolved then frankly I'd cut them off until they've changed their ways.

happyandcontented

Is he like this with everyone or is it just your wife? Does he have reason to dislike her? Is she pleasant and polite to them? You say this is your second marriage, could it be that he regrets how your first one ended (was your current wife the cause of the break up for example?) None of these excuse blatant rudness in your own home but could go some way to explaining it.

bertiewhite

Sorry, I didn't want to elongate the post longer than necessary.

For starters, ignoring my wife and only thanking me - maybe he forgets her name and doesn't want to be embarrassed.

Interrupting conversations - he would sit for ages without speaking and then out of the blue, starting talking over her about something completely irrelevant.

The lack of manners, actually it's dirty habits that a grown man really should know to refrain from. If I were to openly pick my nose (that's not the worst) when I was staying with guests, my wife would tell me about it but my Mum makes excuses.

(Not mentioned in the OP)

I found him wandering in the kitchen a couple of times randomly opening cupboards and when I asked if he was looking for something, he just wandered off without saying anything.

When we went shopping he wanted a few cans of beer - I showed him where the beer isle was (not difficult to find in a supermarket) and when I went back to find him he said he found it difficult to find what he wanted as it wasn't like his supermarket.

A couple of times I tried to make conversation with him and all he seemed to be interested in was making the zip on his cardigan go up and down.

I guess the point of the thread is that I'm trying to work out if there is a reason for his behaviour which can be mitigated or if he isn't showing EARLY stages of dementia, then he's just plain rude which is something I can't put up with in my own home.

gettingtheresometime

Do your parents have strong religious views?


I'm wondering if its more a case of not approving of 2nd marriages rather than your wife personally?

System

I'm sure if he'd got dementia your Mum would pick up on it before you.

My betting he is just rude.

Pollycat

TBH, from what you've said about your Mother she wouldn't welcome a suggestion that her husband has dementia.

He sounds rude.

bertiewhite wrote: »

There was silence for the entire journey and when we got to the train station, my Mum said that there was no need for the comment and that she thought my wife was very rude. I explained to her (out of earshot of my Dad) about how we both felt and that she was defending my dad's rudeness and at this she simply said that he was her husband and my Dad and that's how he's always been. I replied that they had both brought me up to have good manners and that he should know better. She then commented that my wife "had me right where she wanted me" implying that my Dad's behaviour was made up. My parting words were that I loved my Mum and would phone her at the weekend but I never did, mainly because I hate the fact that neither of them seem to like my wife.

And it sounds like it's nothing new.

I would not put up with anyone treating my OH like that - especially in our own home.
The last time my in-laws came to visit, he was a nightmare.
Rude, complaining about everything.
They've never been invited back.

Have you spoken to your brother about how they treat your wife?
I'm guessing they are fine with his partner.

If your brother can't shed any light on the reason for the animosity, I would ask your Mum point-blank why she and especially your Father dislike your wife so much.