Would this be a dealbreaker for your marriage/relationnnship?

another_casualty

It sounds like you are a nice couple, who care for each other and eventually will be able to put this behind you.
Let's hope so. Best of luck

loken152

Cant believe that the OP asked is this a deal breaker for a marriage? It takes to tango after all.

You'll have to work though this together, looks like you have already come up with a plan and could have it paid off in 5 years. Now you need to sit down and talk to him about the plan work out the best plan of attack between the two of you. Maybe sell your cars and get a cheap run around, for a while and use the money from selling the car to pay off a large chunk of the debt. Thats one place i would start.

enthusiasticsaver

It would not be a deal breaker for me as I think you are both equally to blame. He should have told you but you presumably know what income/expenditure you have or you should and have access to bank accounts.

Best that you make a plan to deal with it together but I would be asking some questions first.

Your soa shows a £1200 surplus monthly assuming the outgoings are correct. What is happening every month with that surplus?

You have pinpointed the money as being spent on a new car, a consolidation loan and holidays. You have obviously been overspending for a while. Do you record your outgoings at all in a spending diary or money tracker app? You need to really to get a true picture as I am guessing you are taking figures out of the air for your monthly expenses.

Budgeting precisely is the key to getting out of debt. Ask yourself before buying something if it is really necessary. The time for treats etc is when you are using your own money not the banks.

You have some cash savings. Is it earmarked for something or can you use some to pay off something? You need an emergency fund but 3 months expenses initially is ok unless your jobs are insecure. You could pay off part of the second barclaycard and you need to double check when all the 0% deals finish as the rate shoots up then.

EssexHebridean

I think that it's fair to say that the OP has now realised that no it most definitely isn't a deal breaker. JenniTerrier I'll go through your SOA line by line later but for the time being, well done for having your very own shiny MSE LBM! :T

armchairexpert

JenniTerrier, just a welcome from me. It's been a huge shock, and of course you're still running through the gamut of emotions. I think you'll be fine. And you know, I know a bunch of couples whose marriages really improved after they started tackling debt together: treat it like you're a team and it can be kind of fun! Challenges that you approach together can really strengthen a bond, even when you thought things were fine before.

It's worth putting the overdraft on your SOA, so you have a complete picture, but with your income you should be able to get out of that fairly fast. Good luck, and if you want to, consider starting a Debt-Free Diary for even more support.

Jo_Blogs

jennyterrier wrote: »

Ine positive is that he has never missed a payment and despite the debt being high, it is still at a servicable level, thank god. I feel like I have had the biggest reality check and also feel angry that my husband didn't keep me informed. He is gutted at my reaction and is constantly texting me to apologise. He says that he didn't want to worry me and desperately wanted to sort it out. He is a lovely guy and I can see how much it's eating him up.

He's said sorry for a joint spending mess - You both need to sit down and go through your finances as a mature couple, learn from the experience, and work hard together to pay down the debt.

Would this be a deal breaker for you and your marriage relationship, or would you be able to move forward? I have worked out that if we stop the holidays and new cars then we can sort it out in 5 years.

No

Am I also to blame for this??

Yes, you too are to blame - holidays, cars etc. You need to work on this debt together as you have accumulated it together. Stop the finger pointing and get going on resolving the issue at hand, as it's not going to go away until you do. Plus, it certainly will make you stronger and more open as a couple in the future.

All the best

determined_new_ms

op your post really shocked me when I read it the other day and I've been thinking on it. I guess if there are problems in your relationship then yes this might be the straw that broke the camel's back. For me, no it wouldn't. I would be devastated to find out we owed so much money and naturally that would take some time to come to terms with. I would also sad for my partner that he had shouldered the burden for so long without being able to bring it to my attention.

If your relationship is solid you should be able to come to terms with it and work together. However if this is just another thing in a long line of irresponsible behaviour from your partner it might just be the end of the line for you.

I wish you all the success in tackling this challenge

EssexHebridean

Comments in red...

jennyterrier wrote: »

Household Information[/b]
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 1
Number of cars owned.................... 2

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 1850
Partners monthly income after tax....... 2900
Benefits................................ 82.8
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 4832.8

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 675
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 249
Rent.................................... 0
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 120 If this is currently paid over 10 months, you might think about asking the council to switch you to 12 monthly. Also, go and find the March payment (nothing payable February and March) and stick that aside against a debt before it gets frittered!
Electricity............................. 30
Gas..................................... 65 Turn the thermostat down a couple of degrees
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 30
Telephone (land line)................... 12
Mobile phone............................ 30
TV Licence.............................. 14 Why £14? Should be £12.12 per month?
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
Internet Services....................... 20
Groceries etc. ......................... 300 You can definitely bring this down a bit
Clothing................................ 50 Essentials only for a while until you feel as though things are a bit more under control?
Petrol/diesel........................... 200 Have a read of Martin's "driving economically" guide to see about reducing this as much as you can. Also think about whether you *need* to use the car or whether you can walk, for short journeys
Road tax................................ 10 Do you actually pay this monthly? If not then you need an account set up to transfer it into so it doesn't get spent.
Car Insurance........................... 60 Have you checked whether this is the cheapest possible?
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0 Is this covered on a finance agreement or similar?
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 80
Other child related expenses............ 0
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 0
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 40
Contents insurance...................... 0 Is this combined with your buildings insurance?
Life assurance ......................... 25
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 50
Haircuts................................ 20
Entertainment........................... 200
Holiday................................. 100
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Total monthly expenses.................. 2380


Assets
Cash.................................... 10000 Does this include the money you put aside for your holiday? If so it might be a good idea to separate that off so you can clearly see what you have saved for the specific purpose
House value (Gross)..................... 215000
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 10000
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 235000


Secured & HP Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Mortgage...................... 145000...(675)......2.49
Hire Purchase (HP) debt ...... 12000....(249)......0
Total secured & HP debts...... 157000....-.........-

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
tesco loan.....................15000.....364.......5.9
barclaycard....................15000.....300.......0
barclaycard 2..................10500.....200.......6.9
lloyds CC......................3800......50........0
haifax CC......................7500......105.......0
hsbc loan......................8500......201.......3.9
Total unsecured debts..........60300.....1220......-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 4,832.8
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 2,380
Available for debt repayments........... 2,452.8
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 1,220
Amount left after debt repayments....... 1,232.8 Do you actually have that amount left?

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 235,000
Total HP & Secured debt................. -157,000
Total Unsecured debt.................... -60,300
Net Assets.............................. 17,700

Well all in all that's none too bad - do you actually have that surplus left each month? If not then your first task is to find it - go back over everything - all the bank and card statements - and see where that sizeable sum of money has been disappearing to. A spending diary might also be helpful.

Where you're budgeting to set money aside for things monthly, but not actually spending that sum every month, think about setting up separate savings accounts off the back of your current account to stash that money away somewhere - saves it getting frittered and there is a very rewarding feeling to seeing a car account, for example, with enough in it to cover car tax.insurance, whatever is coming. Bearing in mind your surplus I would also think about increasing what you set aside per month for the car expenses to cover insurance next time it's up for renewal - it's cheaper paid in a lump thank monthly, often quite a bit cheaper!

Watch out for that Barclaycard at 6.9% - that might well be a "life of balance" rate and if so, if 0% deals are hard to come by, having the option to transfer a balance to there might get you a decently low rate to move debt onto rather than it running onto a lenders standard rate.

kindofagilr

jennyterrier wrote: »

Hello everyone, I am quite nervous about this post.

I have known that me and my husband have been in debt for a number of years. A lot of this debt was built up paying for our house and wedding. I remember that we owed 30-40k about 4 years ago.

My husband sorts the finances and I trust him to do it. I was turned down for 0% credit on a small appliance and this led to a debt conversation. I assumed we owed 30k. It appears that our debt is actually close to 60k when everything is taken into account.

My husband knew it was high and has been dealing with it alone, not telling me as he didn't want to worry or concern me. I Kind of get that but I feel really angry with the situation.

I don't really know what to think. One one hand, I know that we have enjoyed lovely holidays and new cars etc. I never thought to question how it was being funded. I assumed it was all under control. I feel naive now.

Ine positive is that he has never missed a payment and despite the debt being high, it is still at a servicable level, thank god. I feel like I have had the biggest reality check and also feel angry that my husband didn't keep me informed. He is gutted at my reaction and is constantly texting me to apologise. He says that he didn't want to worry me and desperately wanted to sort it out. He is a lovely guy and I can see how much it's eating him up.

Would this be a deal breaker for you and your marriage relationship, or would you be able to move forward? I have worked out that if we stop the holidays and new cars then we can sort it out in 5 years.

Am I also to blame for this??

Yes you are to blame for it as well, I mean that in the nicest possible way, surely if you knew you had 30k of debt you had to wonder where the money was coming from for the cars and the holidays

It most certainly woudl not be a deal breaker for me if the money has gone on just over spending.

Cat_Loving_Lady

For me it wouldn't be a deal breaker. You say he is a lovely guy, he obviously cares for you as he has been worried about you. The debts were from shared things, holidays, cars.
You need to work on better communication for your relationships sake and not leave him/trust him to sort the finances.
If it was me I'd work out how to get out of the mess together before I threw in the towel on the relationship as you have mentioned many positives about him as a person.