Would this be a dealbreaker for your marriage/relationnnship?

jennyterrier

Hello everyone, I am quite nervous about this post.

I have known that me and my husband have been in debt for a number of years. A lot of this debt was built up paying for our house and wedding. I remember that we owed 30-40k about 4 years ago.

My husband sorts the finances and I trust him to do it. I was turned down for 0% credit on a small appliance and this led to a debt conversation. I assumed we owed 30k. It appears that our debt is actually close to 60k when everything is taken into account.

My husband knew it was high and has been dealing with it alone, not telling me as he didn't want to worry or concern me. I Kind of get that but I feel really angry with the situation.

I don't really know what to think. One one hand, I know that we have enjoyed lovely holidays and new cars etc. I never thought to question how it was being funded. I assumed it was all under control. I feel naive now.

Ine positive is that he has never missed a payment and despite the debt being high, it is still at a servicable level, thank god. I feel like I have had the biggest reality check and also feel angry that my husband didn't keep me informed. He is gutted at my reaction and is constantly texting me to apologise. He says that he didn't want to worry me and desperately wanted to sort it out. He is a lovely guy and I can see how much it's eating him up.

Would this be a deal breaker for you and your marriage relationship, or would you be able to move forward? I have worked out that if we stop the holidays and new cars then we can sort it out in 5 years.

Am I also to blame for this??

[Deleted User]

It's not fair for anyone to tell you whether this is a relationship dealbreaker or not. That's for you to decide, not anyone else.

But if you're going to fix it, you both now need to work together.

Indout96

Hopefully it is not a deal breaker - how you both move forward should be more important. You BOTH need to put together a budget that will help you get this under control and from the things you mention the over spending was not all one person so that should help as you will both be cutting back together.

jennyterrier

To be fair, the new car was for me. he also took out a consolidation loan a few years back to clear my cards. We have been on a lot of holidays too so I guess I have perhaps not asked enough questions.

angelpye

I think when we first realise the level of our debts we go through a bit of an emotional roller coaster and its best at this point not to make any major decisions that you can't take back (except for debt action IYSWIM). It took me a good month of picking over my budget and getting an action plan in place with a few tweaks etc to get to a point where I have come to terms with it. Give yourself time to heal from the shock and then only you know whether the marriage is what you want.

Good luck, we have quite a few on here who have 'hidden' debts from the partner due to worry of consequences, shame etc and I always think its best to be honest but I can understand how hard that will be. No one knows about my debt (I am single) as I am too ashamed.

worriedDan

Your husband sounds like me! Are you my wife?

I kept the extent of our debts from my wife until last week. Even then , i only managed to say "it's in the fifties" - we owe around 55K.

I didn't not tell her out of deliberate deceit. I desperately wanted to sort it out and get it down to a lower level. Unfortunately the effect on my health became intolerable.

All of our debt was built up jointly - it was just that I managed the finances meaning that my wife didn't actually 'see' the debt. She always knew we had loads of debt, just not exactly how much.

I would be devastated if my wife left me over our predicament.

sourcrates

jennyterrier wrote: »

To be fair, the new car was for me. he also took out a consolidation loan a few years back to clear my cards. We have been on a lot of holidays too so I guess I have perhaps not asked enough questions.

You hit the nail on the head right there.

You cant blame him for not telling you, if you failed to ask where the money came from.

I would not beat myself up about it, yes you have been a tad naive, but your story probably mirrors most couples that just sail on through life, until one day reality hits them.

I find its always good to ask questions, then there can be no doubt, very rarely does a free ride actually come for free !!

sentientpoet

As others have said, I don't think anyone on here can tell you if it's a make or break. I suspect apart from the shock of learning the reality of your debt, a large part of the anger - consciously or subconsciously - is being hurt at the thought that he couldn't tell you for fear of your reaction.

On the flip side, it sounds like he has tried to conceal it and manage it with the best (if misguided) intentions. Imagine how it has been for him living with this knowledge, trying to give you a life that he feels you deserve while worrying about the fallout and trying his best to handle it on his own.

The way forward is something you have to decide with him, and him alone. But it could, with mutual support, openness and joint determination to tackle the debt head on together, end up being the thing that takes your relationship to another level entirely.

Exerbusi2

jennyterrier wrote: »

Would this be a deal breaker for you and your marriage relationship?

Absolutely not. For richer, for poorer and all that. He hasn't cheated, he hasn't hurt you. He's made a mistake perhaps, but as a bloke I can totally get why he didn't want to tell you.

jennyterrier wrote: »

I have worked out that if we stop the holidays and new cars then we can sort it out in 5 years.

Excellent. That's really achievable - perhaps you could do it in even less time if you're clever about. Just need to get started.

jennyterrier wrote: »

Am I also to blame for this??

You share responsibility. Neither one of you is 100% to blame, which is why it'd be unfair to leave him for this. You enjoyed the fruits of the debt, now it's time to pay it off.

That being said, what's done is done. Now you can work together, share responsibility for getting it paid off and learn from the experience. A shared project would maybe bring you closer together and teach you more about how you can manage your finances as a couple.

DigForVictory

It's not a dealbreaker, more a wake-up call, or even a golden opportunity.

Have a dekko at the mortgage free and debt free wannabe boards, and see if your nerve is up to posting an SOA - and smile - together you can work wonders!

anna_1977

I don't think it's a deal breaker at all - you racked up the debts together, I'm sorry but bearing in mind you knew the financial situations a couple of years ago did you not wonder where the money for the luxuries was coming from?

I believe he was probably trying to protect you and wanted to give you everything possible, even if that meant being in debt.

No one is to blame but you are both as responsible as each other

Try working together now to rectify the situation, sell the cars and post an SOA so people here can help

Good Luck