Would this be a dealbreaker for your marriage/relationnnship?

comeandgo

If husband had spent money on wine women and cars then I would question our relationship but not if it has been family spent. You were part of the spending. Now it's a case of working together to bust the debt.

nkkingston

There's nothing wrong with feeling hurt and angry. A rug has been pulled out from under you. Scream it out into a pillow. Chuck some plates around outside. Have a weep to your bff. Give yourself space and time to process this (and ask him to give it to you - he's constantly apologising to make himself feel better, and needs to realise it's not helping you). But wait until your mind is clear again before making life-changing decisions.

For me, it would depend on whether this is symptomatic of your relationship as a whole, or whether it's the fact that money, frankly, makes people crazy. It's the partner/parent thing: a lot of spouses in this situation say they feel like they've been treated like a child rather than an equal partner. If he keeps other things from your "for your own good" and makes decisions on your behalf, then there's a power imbalance there you need to address. If it's only the debt, and the rest of your relationship is healthy, then he needs to learn that money is no different to the rest of your relationship, and best tackled as a team.

allthe7s

worriedDan wrote: »

Your husband sounds like me! Are you my wife?

I kept the extent of our debts from my wife until last week. Even then , i only managed to say "it's in the fifties" - we owe around 55K.

I didn't not tell her out of deliberate deceit. I desperately wanted to sort it out and get it down to a lower level. Unfortunately the effect on my health became intolerable.

All of our debt was built up jointly - it was just that I managed the finances meaning that my wife didn't actually 'see' the debt. She always knew we had loads of debt, just not exactly how much.

I would be devastated if my wife left me over our predicament.

:rotfl: I was thinking myself "I hope this isn't Dans wife!!"

alianza

You don't have to stop the holidays just maybe find something different like hiking and camping or something else cheap. As for a car when i hit problems I just got a little second hand fiat and its still going 6 years later and costs very little to run and repairs have been minimal. As for extra income if you or your husband have a relevant qualification maybe try an exam board to see if they need markers. I earn 2-3k every June marking science papers and its all done online these days, pays for my holiday every August.

FBaby

The fact that you knew you were at least £30K in debt and yet never questioned how this debt was being managed, especially in spite of the luxuries means that you are as responsible.

Are you sure it was naivety rather than denial? I don't mean this in a critical way, but sometimes, when life is hard and stressful, it is tempting to forget about unpleasantness and leave it all to our partners to sort out, even when deep inside we do know that they are not doing so.

allthe7s

If I had no idea we had any debt at all and then found out I would be horrified and it would take a few weeks to accept the betrayal but I would never leave DH over it.

However if you know 4 years back you had 30-40k debt and haven't been making any cut backs then you can't really expect that that figure hasnt just risen over time.

Sit down tonight and go theough incomings and outgoings and post your SOA on here.

Hope your ok

7S

EssexHebridean

jennyterrier wrote: »

To be fair, the new car was for me. he also took out a consolidation loan a few years back to clear my cards. We have been on a lot of holidays too so I guess I have perhaps not asked enough questions.

Maybe in the circumstances, he's the one who should be asking whether it's a dealbreaker then?

My view would be - you both spent it. You both enjoyed the lifestyle, the holidays, the cars and the keeping up with the Jones'es. Presumably you both also knew what your household income was? A few sums would have told you that things didn't add up - so now it's time to man up, knuckle down and get things sorted. If you both work together then you can probably beat your first estimate by some way.

Your reaction, however, is the very reason why we say to people that they MUST come clean with their partner about debt.

jennyterrier

I know that I have been daft. I should have checked that he was managing, I just wish he had made a better job of our money. He should have spoke to me months ago .

moneyfacts

You are both equally responsible for this mess, it's bordering on outrageous for you to even ask.

The dream bubble has burst. How people can spend so much money and not even know is beyond me. You both need to sit down, draw up a budget and pay this debt off.

More importantly you need to wake up. You don't need to have fancy cars and meals out.

Just think of the top 5 places you have spent your money on over the last year. Now google how much the CEO earned for each company last year. I will tell you this, he/she has no debts, a dream pension and rolling in it because people like you got sucked into thinking you have to spend money with them to show your worth. Now your left with £60,000 of debt.

I'm not having a go, it's just really annoys me that commercialisation can cause so much stress and effect families so deeply.

Mojisola

jennyterrier wrote: »

I know that I have been daft. I should have checked that he was managing, I just wish he had made a better job of our money. He should have spoke to me months ago.

Did you ever ask "Can we afford this?"