Up & Down Relationship With Colleague

HeavyMetalFan

By that I mean strictly in the work sense.

I am male and colleague is female but that doesn't affect the situation too much.

We sit together on a bank of desks and we are the only two on there. We have colleagues sat behind but they are far enough away that you would have to go to their desks to speak to them so we are sort of in our own bubble and that's why, from my point of view, we get on. We spend a third of our working lives sat together!

My colleague does have certain issues, she has (I think) an undiagnosed eating disorder and I have noticed she has self harmed in the not too distant past, so I have made allowances for her. The problem is that she is so unpredictable and I never know where I am from one minute to the next. She has a habit of being friendly and then a few minutes later I'll say something about the weekend for example and she will say at the top of her voice "I'm not interested" or "why are you telling me this?" Makes me feel about two feet tall. Then we sit in uncomfortable silence for the next few hours. I don't like to speak until spoken to in case I get a similar reaction.

She is always in before me (lives closer) and if she doesn't look up or say "morning" when I come in, I decide not to speak to her. The difficulty is that she can be very pleasant which lulls me into a false sense of security. Sometimes I can come in and she will have a big smile and say "hello Mr

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I've made you a drink", half an hour later talking to me like you know what. She'll also say things like "have a feel of my new leggings/tights" so I think she's going to be fine that day. Within a couple of hours she's telling me not to speak to her and to get my stuff off her desk.

Other times, within half an hour of an outburst she is telling me details (unprompted) about her personal life. She has cried in front of me a few times and I have put a comforting hand on her shoulder which she has accepted. An hour later she will storm off home without a word or glance.

I'm sure people will make their own assumptions but I am very mild mannered, easygoing and I have always been popular with colleagues wherever I have worked. Just not this one. I can't just ignore it as we won't be having any desk moves so I will be sat with her for the foreseeable future.

Any suggestions or similar experiences?

Caroline_a

She sounds very unpredictable. I would advise you to desist from any physical touching because it could get you into serious trouble. Maybe speak to HR about her behaviour?

HeavyMetalFan

I don't think she would create an issue over the physical contact but you're probably right. I don't really want to go to HR because I'm not really sure what I would say and she's probably not doing anything wrong as such. I don't think an employer can force someone to be friendly with their colleague!

McKneff

I would really take a few steps backwards.

Say good morning as a polite gesture each day . Dont look as if you want tomtalk to her and look and be busy at all times.

Or ask to change desks, that would be my choice. Failing that look for another job, she sounds like a nightmare.

SuzieSue

It sounds like she has mental health issues. I had an ex who would be moody for a few hours and not talk to me for no reason. The rest of the time he would be fine.

I left him as I am not moody and so couldn't put up with his moods.

You can't do the same, so you just need to treat her like she has an illness which she has. There is nothing she can do about her mental health issues unless she decides to seek help.

All you can do is block it out and not let it upset you. It isn't your fault and is beyond your control.

You can't expect someone who self harms and who has an eating disorder to behave normally. She has serious mental health problems.

SuzieSue

HeavyMetalFan wrote: »

I don't think she would create an issue over the physical contact but you're probably right.

Please don't assume this.

[Deleted User]

Maybe be mindful of monthlies and menopausal issues.

HeavyMetalFan

Deleted%20User wrote: »

Maybe be mindful of monthlies and menopausal issues.

It's too regular to be the former and she's far too young to be the latter.

ripplyuk

SuzieSue wrote: »

You can't expect someone who self harms and who has an eating disorder to behave normally.

That's untrue. Plenty of people who self harm and/or have an eating disorder have perfectly 'normal' behaviour. You would never know.

annandale

Go to HR and ask for a move.

And don't feel someone's leggings/tights, you are not doing yourself any favours by having such close contact with someone who you've made clear is acting irrationally.

Loz01

She sounds a bit of a loose cannon... Id speak to HR or a line manager or something and explain she's a bit unpredictable and her moods fluctuate so much that its affecting you and your ability to work.