The I Don't love you any more chat...

fairy_lights

Hippo wrote: »

The problem is I took her for granted, and although I loved her very much I never showed her this and pretty much left everything for her to do. Every so often we would have a row regarding me taking her for granted. I would improve for a while but then slip back.

This bit really jumps out at me because it sounds like she's been trying to express how she feels and improve your marriage for years, but it's only now that she's asked you to leave that you've really taken her seriously.
You might be able to get things back on track with counselling and a lot of effort but how can she believe that you won't slip back again and end up taking her for granted again? Come to think of it, how can you be sure that you won't?

Pollycat

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

You need to be prepared for the possibility that there's more than an emotional affair been going on.

The ex-Mrs PW managed to exchange an impressive 12,000 messages with somebody over two weeks!

I can't speak for the OP's wife but if I'd tried and tried for years to get my OH not to take me for granted and not to leave everything to me and finally told him I'd had enough I wouldn't have then agreed to go for counselling and say I wanted to work things out unless I really, really meant it.

She's gone through the hardest part (imho) by telling him it's over.
If she's adamant it really is over - whether she has another bloke lined up or not - I can't see why she'd take a step back and give him hope by agreeing to waste time and money on counselling.

So I think the OP has a chance.

Angry_Bear

Pollycat wrote: »

I can't speak for the OP's wife but if I'd tried and tried for years to get my OH not to take me for granted and not to leave everything to me and finally told him I'd had enough I wouldn't have then agreed to go for counselling and say I wanted to work things out unless I really, really meant it.

She's gone through the hardest part (imho) by telling him it's over.
If she's adamant it really is over - whether she has another bloke lined up or not - I can't see why she'd take a step back and give him hope by agreeing to waste time and money on counselling.

So I think the OP has a chance.

However (and just to put across the other point of view) ...

If I'd tried and tried for years to get my OH not to take me for granted when I finally gave up and asked him to leave he refused .... I WOULD agree to go to counselling to help both of us find closure and to help him accept that it really was over for me. And also partly because I hate being the bad guy and occasionally suffer from lack of backbone .

ETA: That's not to say that he DOESN'T have a chance, just that he should be prepared for any eventuality.

ripplyuk

Pollycat wrote: »

If she's adamant it really is over - whether she has another bloke lined up or not - I can't see why she'd take a step back and give him hope by agreeing to waste time and money on counselling.

Perhaps she'd like the break up to be as amicably as possible, for the children's sake.

Having said that, my guess is that the OP berating her about the texts made her feel she's done something wrong (whether she had or not), and feeling guilty, she agreed to go to counselling.

Hippo

removed msg

Pollycat

Angry_Bear wrote: »

However (and just to put across the other point of view) ...

If I'd tried and tried for years to get my OH not to take me for granted when I finally gave up and asked him to leave he refused .... I WOULD agree to go to counselling to help both of us find closure and to help him accept that it really was over for me. And also partly because I hate being the bad guy and occasionally suffer from lack of backbone .

ETA: That's not to say that he DOESN'T have a chance, just that he should be prepared for any eventuality.

ripplyuk wrote: »

Perhaps she'd like the break up to be as amicably as possible, for the children's sake.

Having said that, my guess is that the OP berating her about the texts made her feel she's done something wrong (whether she had or not), and feeling guilty, she agreed to go to counselling.

I can see this point of view too.

It's the 'wanting to work things out' that tips me over.

Unless she sees that as a euphemism for closure and amicability.

ripplyuk

Hippo wrote: »

How does she know I won't slip back this time? Because this time I know how serious it is (and yes I know I was an idiot for not realising before).

I'm sure your wife was serious all those other times too. The difference is that this time it's you that will be affected, not just your wife. It shouldn't take a break-up to make you care about her feelings.

It's great that you can admit your failings but think carefully about whether you can keep up your promises once all threat of abandonment has passed. Day to day, it's very easy to slip back into old ways, especially after so many years together.

jamiehelsinki

If its over its over but don't leave, if she can't live with you let her move out if it's what she wants.

Once you move out and leave her in the house your screwed from a fair settlement point of view.

If you cant make it work make it clear to her you will move our once the house is sold and there's a fair split of assets.

FBaby

Be prepared to be very very patient and not expect her to tell you that she has fallen madly in love with you after you've been 'good' for X weeks because even if she decides that she wants to give it a try and she does indeed start to feel something again, she is going to protect herself from her feelings in case she is let down again and therefore is likely not to show you any of it.

She's going to want to see proof that you've changed and the only proof you can provide is to continue to show that you have changed, even if she is not giving you any prompt to encourage you, ie. you've changed for your own self because you realise that being that way makes you a better and happier person, not changed just to win her back...so that once you've done so, you can go back to your old habits.

That might mean that for every week your behaviour took her further away from her, you might have to wait double the time to undo the damage. It's your commitment to your new you that will win her back, that's very hard work to keep going when you don't get much immediate encouragement/reward back.

justme111

FBaby wrote: »

Be prepared to be very very patient and not expect her to tell you that she has fallen madly in love with you after you've been 'good' for X weeks because even if she decides that she wants to give it a try and she does indeed start to feel something again, she is going to protect herself from her feelings in case she is let down again and therefore is likely not to show you any of it.

She's going to want to see proof that you've changed and the only proof you can provide is to continue to show that you have changed, even if she is not giving you any prompt to encourage you, ie. you've changed for your own self because you realise that being that way makes you a better and happier person, not changed just to win her back...so that once you've done so, you can go back to your old habits.

That might mean that for every week your behaviour took her further away from her, you might have to wait double the time to undo the damage. It's your commitment to your new you that will win her back, that's very hard work to keep going when you don't get much immediate encouragement/reward back.

I am afraid op still does not get it and has no chance. He is bothered about "james' while her concern are her feelings. It does not matter whether she met "james" and whether she has an affair with him. What matters is that she had enough of op. Him tieing in james to it shows no insight and disregard for her feelings. He thinks about what HE wants , not about what she wants. Love are not words , love is thinking about other person's wellbeing more than one rhinks about his/her own. Op does the oppposite.