I saw some messages between my BF and his ex

trey101

Aced2016 wrote: »

I found their conversation very very weird ! Not a couple having it away on the side! If my husband had sent those kind of messages I'd think he's gone a bit mad.

My take it on it is he loves her deeply, he cares for her and feels guilty ! I feel he wants to be with men (that would be you) but feels bad for what he's done to her.

I don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of cheating etc. I think he just genuinely feels bad and worried for her, but he can't change the way he feels. He is gay and I just feel Mabye she and him have still got a bit of denial on that part !

So speak with him, be honest and let him know it bothers you. You need to talk for things to work !

Good luck

I hope this is the case. Thank you.

Perhaps I jumped to conclusions too quickly presuming he still had feelings, but I guess I was just shocked after seeing the messages.

I might keep it to myself and not let him know I saw them. If he really does just feel guilty and bad about what he's done then I can get over this.

Aced2016

I honestly think this is the case. If he wanted to be with her then he would.

He is with you as he wants to be ! He can still love and care for without wanting anything else.

And yeah mabye best not to say you've seen them just yet, see how things go.

motorguy

BJV wrote: »

TBH it makes no difference what anyone here thinks. The only person who can answer your question is your partner.

Option 3 you talk to him and sort it out. I know which one I would choose!

Option 4 - you talk to him, he tells you what you want to hear, but you've no way of knowing if its really the truth and now he knows your "on to him", he can make sure you dont find out any more.

I'd keep an eye on his account for a month or so. See what other messages materialise.

trey101

I've been keeping an eye on it as some of you have suggested...

There has been some more messages between them. More compliments from him... 'you are so awesome!' and him thanking her for the chats again, 'especially the last few days, they've meant so much to me' are his exact words. Lots of inside jokes and names they are using to each other too...

Why would those messages from the other day mean so much to him?

I'm confused as it all seems rather intimate indeed. All these nice words, compliments and gushy talk... The opinions of you folk on here seem to be rather split too, with some of you thinking the messages are harmless and others thinking the opposite...

O_o

Fireflyaway

I'd be really unhappy if my partner sent messages like that to an ex. The messages are high in volume and very complimentary. Its not just a 'hi how are you' is it. They are clearly enjoying being in contact and have feelings for each other. My feeling is if it carries on like this, they will soon arrange to meet up. Is she still single?
I wouldn't be able to hold it in. I'd have to confront my partner but then would you believe his response anyway?

ripplyuk

OP, you're going to have to talk to him about it. Admit that you've read his messages (which you shouldn't have). It's going to torture you otherwise. If you don't bring it up, and your behaviour becomes paranoid or resentful, your relationship could be doomed anyway.

trey101

A quick update on the situation, folks.

I told him I saw the messages. He was very embarrassed but cool about it. He said what I expected, that he still cares for her dearly but is happy with me now.

I hope I did the right thing. It feels like a weight off my shoulders talking to him about it, but I realise now he knows I've been looking, he will watch what he's saying to her.

I made the decision to stay in a relationship with him. I have to trust him now.

trey101

Okay.. I asked him if he would consider cutting contact with her.

I could tell the thought of not talking to her bothered him the moment I suggested it. He said he wants her in his life always.

???

Then that was the end of the conversation. Any advice on where to go from here? At least he's honest and not saying ok and then going behind my back to talk to her. So that is a good thing right?

Aside from this issue, we are a very happy couple with loads in common. He bends over backwards to make sure I'm happy. I'm literally sure he'd do anything for me apart from cut ties with his ex.

It definitely seems he bent over backwards for her when they were together too. But her depression meant he felt he could never make her happy. Where as I actually do appreciate the things he does for me.

indiepanda

trey101 wrote: »

Okay.. I asked him if he would consider cutting contact with her.

I could tell the thought of not talking to her bothered him the moment I suggested it. He said he wants her in his life always.

???

Then that was the end of the conversation. Any advice on where to go from here? At least he's honest and not saying ok and then going behind my back to talk to her. So that is a good thing right?

Aside from this issue, we are a very happy couple with loads in common. He bends over backwards to make sure I'm happy. I'm literally sure he'd do anything for me apart from cut ties with his ex.

It definitely seems he bent over backwards for her when they were together too. But her depression meant he felt he could never make her happy. Where as I actually do appreciate the things he does for me.

Only you can decide if him maintaining contact with his ex is a deal breaker. For me two questions come to mind:-

- Does the ex know he is in a new relationship and that he is committed to you now? If I were his ex I would be getting very mixed messages from the way he is talking, might be harbouring hopes of a reconciliation. If he is leading her on that's not very nice behaviour.

- If his ex recovered from her depression (plenty of people do) would he go back to her?

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner having that much contact with an ex, wouldn't expect them to sever contact altogether, but the level of chat seems beyond friendship to me.

trey101

indiepanda wrote: »

Only you can decide if him maintaining contact with his ex is a deal breaker. For me two questions come to mind:-

- Does the ex know he is in a new relationship and that he is committed to you now? If I were his ex I would be getting very mixed messages from the way he is talking, might be harbouring hopes of a reconciliation. If he is leading her on that's not very nice behaviour.

- If his ex recovered from her depression (plenty of people do) would he go back to her?

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner having that much contact with an ex, wouldn't expect them to sever contact altogether, but the level of chat seems beyond friendship to me.

I admit my BF hasn't mentioned me from what I saw in his chats with her, but she definitely knows about us being together.

I wouldn't know what's going on in her head, if she thinks he still has feelings for her or something... and to be honest I know gender is irrelevant to my BF when it comes to being in a relationship. He has said a few times that it doesn't matter what 'parts' someone has, that he falls for the person, not the gender.

I wish I could tell myself he'd never wants to get back with her because he wants to be with men and that she will only be his 'gal pal' from now on. Some of my mates have said that and therefore told me not to worry but they don't understand it's more complicated than that.

So yes because of that, I worry a hell of a lot he still may have feelings, especially after seeing their messages. And yes, I believe she will recover from her depression as apparently she is getting therapy... I think so much of this guy and want to trust him.

Even if he writes a dozen or so sentences to her 3-4 times a week, it can't even compare to the amount of time he puts into me. We see each other nearly every evening and have endless amounts of Whatsapp conversations in the time we are not together.

I can only hope that the clear emotional connection he's developing with me with overpower any he has with her?