14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Those 'friends' sound it. He'd spent all that time killing off your feelings, so it took ages, just not all of it after he scurried out of the front door whilst you were sleeping.

That's the problem Jo,everyone thought we were the perfect couple because I allowed everyone to think that way,this is the reason why it took me months to tell them we had separated.

my-user-name

DBlenks90 wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! My wife walked out on me a few years back in similar fashion.

As others have said, it's ok to be angry. Just be angry and don't apologize for it, because you don't have to. Forget what everyone else says, the way he left is just wrong, and it's not the right way to do relationships. Especially not after you've invested 14 years into one.

The best thing I ever did was go see someone to talk it through with. I'd highly recommend it.

Horrible isn't it when they suddenly up sticks and leave without a care in the world DBlenks
Sometimes it takes my breath away when it hits me that we had 14 years together and then this?? I know deep down hes done me a massive favour,and theres days when I can feel really happy and contented,then the next I'm on that horrible downer,I think its because of the phone call I received from his step mother,again I say more fool me for answering the phone in the first place.

Mojisola

my-user-name wrote: »

then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc

Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.

But at least yours is a temporary blip whereas it sounds as if he's really paying for his actions.

As he can obviously do no wrong in his female relatives' eyes, you'll have to stand firm against them - remember you can always put the phone down if you do answer by mistake again - you don't have to listen to their 'advice'.

Pollycat

my-user-name wrote: »

I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.

OK.
He's looking ill.
He's taking your 'split' badly - even though he instigated it by creeping out of the place he'd lived in for 14 years.
She (his stepmum) doesn't believe your version of events

Do you really, really give a flying !!!! about any of this?

Shd said you 'have to arrange to be friends with him'?
You have to do nothing of the sort.

Stay strong.
You have done nothing wrong.
If he's convinced his female relatives that you're in the wrong, it's clear he's a player & no wonder you were taken in by him

But that chapter has been put to bed.
Stay strong.

wannabe_sybil

He is devastated - that you're not begging him to come back and you'll ask even less of him if he will just return home! You're supposed to be trying to work out how to make up to him for your pension.

Primrose

I think it's an automatically trained reaction of most of us to answer a telephone when it starts ringing, and in this case it May well have been your ex conspiring with his stepmother to try and find an opportunity to get you together in the same place again to try and effect some kind of reconciliation. He must be thick if he thinks this is going to happen after the tone of the recent letter he sent you

Not only should you keep your phone in Anserohone mode. I think you should now tie it up in several plastic bags so that there is no future risk of you being able to answer it until the anserohone message has clicked in !!

It,s a pity this has set you back but just try regard it as one of the bumpy bits of the road that we all have to negotiate at times. Get that radio playing some enjoyable music while you continue decorating and try to put it behind you. I would hope by now your stepmother has got the message that you're not interested in any kind of reconciliation however subtly she tries to organise it.

As for your ex, he is probably learning far too late that the best lessons in life to learn are the ones which hurt you the hardest. But people rarely change much. He has his image and self respect to try and protect as far as his family are concerned. . If he had really changed and was genuinely repentant about his behaviour towards you he would have been honest with them about his real behaviour towards you. Putting your hand up and admitting bad behaviour to those who it is hardest would have been a sign that he had really decided to change.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Wow, he's really panicking now, so much so, Mummy2 has had to order you to contact him, isn't he? You really didn't behave as he had planned throughout. When every other woman in his life has always complied with his demands and believed him without question, he must be in complete shock that you were smarter than that.


Is there really no way you could change your number? That would guarantee freedom from such intrusions into your life from now on. I'd also stick any unsolicited mail (whether posted or hand delivered) in the post box with just his Mummy's address on, no name or stamp. That way, they can pay the penalty fee to have them back - the cost will put him off continuing soon enough.


There's no need to feel down on yourself. You're doing nothing wrong. And no need to be polite to him or his fan club. It's not your fault they're trying to bully you into acquiescing to his demands, is it?


(PS, suddenly coming back to you and saying 'I was a git, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, take me back' would be just another ploy at this point. Don't fall for it if he tries that one next).


Mind you, this rewriting of leaving really reminds me of how people guilty of domestic abuse rewrite history to cast themselves as the unfortunate hero maligned by the wicked woman. He could have been simply lazy and stingy, but he's sounding more like an abusive man trying to regain his power the more this continues. People don't leave him, reject him or apparently shrug their shoulders and get on with their lives, do they?

Primrose

I think there's a "nice" part of us which always wants to try and believe the best in people and unfortunately sometimes, that's the bit that undoes us in our "down" moments when we genuinely want to hope that the leopard has changed his spots. It happens so many times in relationships, but really if somebody has been unpleasant enough to display all these behaviours for 14 years, the chance of changes happening is pretty unlikely, isn't it? This is the thing you have to keep reminding yourself about on the regretful occasions which may come back and ambush for a while yet.

Frugalfamily3

Hi my-user-name. I'm so sorry to read of your situation and just want to say well done on the dignified way you've dealt with the break up from this poor excuse of a man.

Xxx

my-user-name

Thanks so much everyone for replying to my whinging,yes I think its just a blip that I should expect.
Its weird.....when I don't think of him then I'm fine but the second he gets mentioned then I go on a downer.I know I shouldn't of picked up the phone but its been a while since any of his family contacted me so I never even gave it a thought when the phone rang.
Although she never said it outright,its clear she thought I was lying,I should of just shrugged my shoulders and say "oh well" but I loathe being thought of as a liar so I guess it is that which is bugging me.
Do I think his stepmother was was asked to phone me by him??yes I feel that is the case but it wont make the slightest difference at all.
DBlenks mentioned in his(or her) post that I should talk things over with someone,I actually did about 2 weeks ago.A friend had seen this professional lady when he was going through a separation and he said it was the best money he had ever spent so he gave me her website and I contacted her.
She was a very nice lady indeed,lots of letters after her name and she was open and friendly too.What surprised me the most was when she said I had been in a abusive relationship for 14 years,I wasn't too sure that was right,however by the time we finished the session I actually believed her and yes she said he was a classic sociopath,everyone on here told me that!
I'm going back to see her in a few weeks time for a second session and she gave me some homework to do.I have to put down every single thing I had bought him in the past 14 years and I had to do it from the very beginning of our relationship.(harder than you think!) I was staggered how many pages I went through but Ive almost finished it and will have to show her the list next time we meet.
She also learned me relaxing techniques to help me sleep and they have definatly helped.Im sleeping so much better and it was worth the price just for that alone.Although I was totally drained by the time I had finished the session I will definatly go back and see her again in a few weeks time.
One positive note is the fact I'm on annual leave from Friday onwards for a full 11 days,how wonderful is that! I still need to decorate more rooms but I will make sure I find time to do a few nice things while I'm away from work.