Weddings bring out the worst in people

GlasweJen

I'm stressed out my face. The wedding is in 10 weeks and I thought I was fairly organised but OMG my mother in law has driven me up the wall in the last few days.

When we got engaged my dad offered to pay the venue. His parents then offered to pay an equal contribution meaning we have very little to pay ourselves, I'm at the stage where I wish we had politely declined and paid the rest ourselves.

Things she's torn apart so far:

1. She doesn't like the favours, they don't fit the theme (they're a generic wedding favour). I changed them to have our theme added on by attaching a themed sticker. She then offered to make food favours herself and then before I could make a decision she's withdrawn the offer in a huff after tearing strips off my other half.

2. The menu, our venue allows multiple choices of courses but needs the numbers 6 weeks out. My sister had problems with people RSVPing late and my friend had horror story's of working in catering and people deciding they'd prefer the other option on the day so said we would ideally over cater for that. She also had a story where someone approached the bride to complain as one meal had different potatoes so the other persons plate looked fuller. I can't be dealing with that and I refuse to waste food so I'm choosing a menu and they can have that or the vegetarian option. His mum is throwing a fit as "every other wedding she's been to offered a choice" - well one that's a lie because I was also at those weddings and two she wouldn't know as she needs a special menu because she's got coeliacs so she never ate the same as us at any weddings.

So I asked OH to have a word with her and she asked "is she worried because her family is rude because no one on my side would say anything" now he has an aunt who is famous for not knowing when to shut up and a friend with no filter whatsoever so actually it's his side who guarantee will say something. His aunt is so bad we can't actually fit her into the table plan because she is so difficult that no one on his side of the family gets on with her and I refuse to mix her with my side because if she starts her nit picking it will get back to me and I'll explode.

3. The wording on the invitations. I wanted modern wording "Miss Any Peron and Mr Also Human wish to invite "guest" to the celebration of their wedding. As far as I'm concerned this is the 21st century and I'm not being sold off for 2 sheep and a goat by my father. Well because they've contributed to the wedding she wants it worded "mr and mrs Jens parents & mr and Mrs his parents wish to invite...." anything else is unacceptable. So she's demanded I clear this with my dad who is expecting a modern invite and supports me in my mental radical feminism (bearing in mind the parents aren't paying 50/50, more like 40/40/20).

4. She's accused us of being disorganised because he haven't lodged the paperwork with the council yet (because apparently Christmas and new year shouldn't get in the way of that) even though I've phoned the council and we have loads of time according to them.

5. She's not happy that my bridesmaids dresses are from the high street. She's also not happy that I've not chosen dresses for the little ones but that's being done close to the wedding as the kids are famous for taking massive stretches and I don't want a flower girl with her knickers showing!

Trying to just stay calm and let it wash over me but it's really stressing me out. I'm off work sick (unrelated illness) so I'm a captive audience for her strops. Meanwhile all my parents have said is what's the plans for the morning of the wedding and my mum prefers my original favour.

7roland8

Oh dear - the joys of eloping!


Do yo have a good relationship with MIL normally? Is this her only son's wedding and is that why she wants her say?


Also when you are taking 40% each from respective parents its hard to tell them to 'butt out' - different if you were paying for it all.


Why not pick a few things that DON'T matter much to you and get her opinion choice on that. Favours would be good as who cares about them anyway.


I can see how you want the invites worded modern but as parents are stumping up the money the old style (is it old?) is in fact correct really isn't it and shows that they are the main ones hosting.


However I've never been at a wedding with a choice of food. Maybe you need to sit her down and just go through items as you have done here - tell her how you feel and what is happening and then draw a line and say you don't want to hear any more.


No solution to the seating plan for auntie - she'll have to go somewhere I suppose.


Doesn't sound as if there is a lot of respect going on among people the way she talks about you.

ariba10

Given a choice I have less anguish with a Funeral than a Wedding.

nimbo

The last wedding I went to we had two choices for lunch. Take it or leave it. It was lamb. And really good.

The wedding before that I honestly don't remember. she spunds a bit of a night mare. The last wedding was my partners sisters. I got to see the potential mil in action then. She was a nightmare - it seemed to bring out her not so lovely side at points.

It will all be over all. And you'll look back and remember the magic.

Maybe ask hubby to be to run some interference? Or give her a super special 'job' to do. One that will keep her really busy? Maybe in the next county if it can be arranged?

GlasweJen

7roland8 wrote: »

Oh dear - the joys of eloping!
funny that, we planned on eloping!

Do yo have a good relationship with MIL normally? Is this her only son's wedding and is that why she wants her say?
yes, only child of this generation on either side of his family so it's a big day for her and I get that but she's getting a bit MOGzilla on me.

Also when you are taking 40% each from respective parents its hard to tell them to 'butt out' - different if you were paying for it all.
we never asked! I'm the 4th daughter to get married so my dad's just gifted us £X and they offered to match it which was lovely of them but not at all expected and wouldn't have been accepted if we knew it came with strings attached.

We also have family paying for bits so it's not as straight forward as "the parents are paying" and even if my dad paid for it all we're in our 30s and living together, why can't we invite people to our wedding in our own rights?

Why not pick a few things that DON'T matter much to you and get her opinion choice on that. Favours would be good as who cares about them anyway.
me because we are 10 weeks out and deposits have been paid! I'll relent on the wording of the invite but I'm not throwing a £100 deposit down the drain because his mum has decided to get on her high horse. The time between her expressing her distaste at our favours, offering to home make them and then falling out with OH was less than 45 minutes so it's not like I've sat for weeks thinking about things and she was there when we chose the original favours and said she liked them then!

I can see how you want the invites worded modern but as parents are stumping up the money the old style (is it old?) is in fact correct really isn't it and shows that they are the main ones hosting.
like I said I'll probably relent but the whole parents inviting thing makes me feel like my dad should be getting a dowry, it's just so old fashioned!

However I've never been at a wedding with a choice of food. Maybe you need to sit her down and just go through items as you have done here - tell her how you feel and what is happening and then draw a line and say you don't want to hear any more.
we've told her that I don't want the stress and we will choose something at the menu tasting to feed everyone, she said that was fine then told other half that she will tackle this with my parents at the tasting! I've told other half to tell her that if she mentions it I will remove myself from the table and go home. The decision has been made and my mum and dad have nothing to do with it.

No solution to the seating plan for auntie - she'll have to go somewhere I suppose.
at this rate she's going in the public bar.

Doesn't sound as if there is a lot of respect going on among people the way she talks about you.she's so nice to me to my face, I couldn't believe it when this was said! We usually get on fine, she's obviously of the older generation but we talk about things and have in jokes about OHs mannerisms and up until last week I thought I'd be one of those lucky people with a great relationship with the in-laws. I don't know what's come over her

I know I've only quoted one person but thanks everyone for the feedback. This week she's complained about me not sending her a detailed list of everything I am going to do complete with target dates and times. She wants to change the colour of the table linens and the cover of the invitation. Not bad for a Monday!

fairy_lights

I've never been to a wedding where I had a choice of food (other than the vegetarian option).
Her idea about the wording of the invites sounds horrible old fashioned, I'd be tempted to pretend to agree with her, then order the ones you want and blame it on a mix up and the printers.

Jackieboy

I have to agree with her on the wedding invitations, I'm afraid - nothing to do with being 21st century. If you and OH are paying for the wedding, you're the hosts and the names on the invite. If the parents are paying, they're the hosts and they're named shouls appear.

Stick to your guns on the other issues but give in on this one because she's in the right.

es5595

If the split is 40/40/20 then suggest the wedding invitations will include everyones names, and if anyone asks you'll tell them the reason why (because MIL....).

I agree that in this day and age you're no longer being given away by your father to your husband to be kept, and it should be in your own names. The last few invitations I've had have all been from the bride and groom.

happyandcontented

I think you have to pick your battles and get your OH onside with your joint wishes.

Re invitations, she is correct that wording is the usual etiquette unless the couple are paying for the wedding themselves. By not having it on you are implying to guests that neither parent has contributed which is not really fair. You could also send her a list of target dates.

As for the rest it is your wedding and so you should have the final say on the details.

Jackieboy

es5595 wrote: »

If the split is 40/40/20 then suggest the wedding invitations will include everyones names, and if anyone asks you'll tell them the reason why (because MIL....).

I agree that in this day and age you're no longer being given away by your father to your husband to be kept, and it should be in your own names. The last few invitations I've had have all been from the bride and groom.

Wording on wedding invitations has nothing to do with if the bride is being given away and everything to do with who is hosting (ie paying for) the wedding.

Paulaviki

Definitely agree with picking your battles. Could you find some tasks/organising for her to do which will keep her busy and allow you to do the rest your own way?