Leaving advice

ashamedgirly

Hello,
I haven't posted for a long time but I really need some advice.
Long story short I have realised that I need to leave my husband because he is more married to his job than me. We've got two kids, a house and a mortgage and been married 10 years. He is the main earner. I work part time and am hoping my hours increase as I am doing additional training.
Where do I start? What do I do? Who do I turn to?
I'm like a rabbit in headlights atm!

BrassicWoman

when you have discussed this with your husband, what has he said?

Northern78

You don't mention being unhappy. You have someone who provides, I'm not saying that means they should neglect you but it's better than a layabout slob. My husband really is married to his job, he's forces and hardly ever home.

Talk to him, don't think.leaving has to be the only option. I'm not saying that you are jumping into it BTW but there's not much more info in the OP.

ashamedgirly

Apologies for the brievity of my post. I am deeply unhappy, he rarely has time off, rarely speaks to me and we rarely eat together. He isn't unkind but his job comes before everything. He works in food retail and is a manager. We have been together 14 years and I have been used to being a retail wife but now he's at work more than at home, for example today he has already been there 10 hours and still has lots to do.
We have been living seperate lives for around a year now, we get on as mates but it's getting wearing, I do everything in the house as well as work and he gets cross if I complain that he's working late again so I have learnt not to say anything. This in turn has resulted in me suffering from anxiety and finding it very difficult to express my feelings because he turns it over to me, that I should be grateful for all he does. Sorry if this comes across oddly but I am posting on my phone.

hazyjo

Would downsizing or moving somewhere cheaper with a new job mean you could work things out? If not, it's probably more than his job that's causing the marriage problems.

Jx

Ms_Chocaholic

How many hours a week does he work. Surely he gets a day off, can you plan things to do as a family for those days.

C_Mababejive

But from his point of view, almost the whole financial responsibility for the home and family rest on his shoulders. He obviously puts the hours in and works hard. He probably thinks he is doing the best for his family. I think you both need to find time for some honest conversation and maybe then things will be clearer and maybe better ??

ashamedgirly

Thank you all for your replies. I find it very difficult to talk to him because he gets cross when I mention anything. I fully understand what he does to financially support us as a family and I try to support him. We had a chat a year ago and things just muddled along. It's probably not just his job but that's a major contributor.
Last day off he was due to have he ended up having to go in as someone was off sick. So the plans we had made with friends were cancelled. He rarely takes full weeks holidays so doesn't ever have a full break.

foolofbeans

I think it's hard for people to understand what it's like to live with a workaholic. On the outside people see a person with a good work ethic who provides well for the family.
I know on the inside it can be such a lonely place when you feel second best to a job and that you and the children don't matter. It sounds very dramatic but I know from experience that is exactly how it feels.
If you truly feel the relationship is past saving then practically you could look at your benefits entitlement on entitledto. If you work 16 hours or more you can get working tax credits so you may need to up your hours at work if this is possible. Check out the cost of private rents for yourself or your DH and see if you can afford to separate.
I hope you can see a way through this that doesn't impact greatly on the children.

ashamedgirly

foolofbeans wrote: »

I think it's hard for people to understand what it's like to live with a workaholic. On the outside people see a person with a good work ethic who provides well for the family.
I know on the inside it can be such a lonely place when you feel second best to a job and that you and the children don't matter. It sounds very dramatic but I know from experience that is exactly how it feels.
If you truly feel the relationship is past saving then practically you could look at your benefits entitlement on entitledto. If you work 16 hours or more you can get working tax credits so you may need to up your hours at work if this is possible. Check out the cost of private rents for yourself or your DH and see if you can afford to separate.
I hope you can see a way through this that doesn't impact greatly on the children.

Thank you for this.
Yes it is exactly how it feels- lonely- I am on my own pretty much all the time, sometimes the children don't see him for days at a time. When he is here he dotes on them but if work calls that's it, he's off, be it a text or a phone call, everything stops.
I don't want him to miss out but at the same time I don't want to be miserable all the time and have that impact on the children.

goodwithsaving

I don't have children, but this was me in my previous relationship. I was (and still am) a workaholic because at the end of the day, my job was (is) what paid the mortgage, provided the holidays, covered the roof when it needed fixing, covered the new carpets, windows etc. Growing up we barely saw our father as he too was always working, but we had a brilliant childhood in that we had a lovely garden to play in, we had some amazing holidays (nothing expensive, just fun) and we got to do so many things we wouldn't have been able to do had my father not worked as hard as he did.
I think what I'm saying, and I'm sorry to be harsh but some jobs are like that. In the retail culture, he probably doesn't have much choice.
So do you want the bills paid or not? I know it's lonely, but maybe consider what it is like to be him. Maybe he thrives on it because he has no choice. I felt like I worked hard just to be criticised at home, yet was always the only one with money to pay for things when they went wrong. That (amongst other issues) caused resentment and in the end I left. Just be careful.