Friend no more?

justme111

One always gets something in return otherwise one would not be doing it. Some company however deficient feels better than none. Op is unlikely to be well rounded happy issueless individual herself so she has what she could get company and attachments wise. That is the likely honest response to your questions "why". Dare I say all /almost all of us would keep attachments that we have even if not the best ones faced with an alternative of no attachments

warehouse

silverwhistle wrote: »

As an occasional English teacher I am constantly amazed at the misuse of words in the English language.. Here though you already know that 'friend' is the word being misused. Just click the switch and say 'NO'. No ifs or buts. As everybody else has identified there is an easy solution to this particular problem. Good luck..

This, exactly this. Say no and MEAN IT.

FredG

I have a friend who's all take. He's in a particularly vulnerable position so I give him more leeway than most, however I let him know in no uncertain terms when I feel he's taking advantage of my good nature and as a result I do half as much for him as I used to. Only way to make these people learn is to be firm.

dekaspace

chesky wrote: »

You really can't have this both ways.
You started by trying to engage our sympathies - which was successful.
But now, when everyone is trying to help you, it's a different story. It's not his fault.
Well, I said at the start I thought this might be a wind-up.
Has this guy not got a family.

It always annoys me when people make assumptions like that, why do people always assume I am not listening when the reality is I AM!

It annoys me even more when you write "I thought this may be a wind up" I find that rude.

To let you know I AM AUTISTIC!!!!

Wish people would take things account before judging.

All I did is give reasonings to why I did things, never said I didn't take things on board but you assume I haven't as I havent thanked every person who responded.

I will write as well that before I even wrote on here I felt like I wasn't happy being friends with this guy as it felt one sided, by doing that small bit of help at the end (not letting him stay though) hes both out of my hair, whilst still keeping him as just someone to talk to online and also means if I want to visit him when bored I can and he can't tell me I can't come round.

He is as bad as people think its just he doesnt do it intentionally as much as have a strop when stresses as hes in a bad way, doesn't excuse it but makes it understandable or its his fault but theres reasons behind it.

He lives with his parents, I think in part that was part of his issues as he always tells me how his parents talk about him as the black sheep as his older and younger brothers are all married or in relationships for years, all have good jobs, he even said he came out to them when he first started university and they near disowned him as they are religious but now gave up shaming him but still treat him worse than his brothers.

I can't stand to be around him anymore unless its just in passing or speaking online, I couldn't stand him a few years ago either but it was the recent developments that pushed me over the edge with him saying he shouldn't have to chip in as my rent and food is paid for by benefits so I don't buy it myself it was very ungreatful, he told me yesterday he got another £250 from his temp job so £550 for 2 weeks work and hasn't even given me a thank you card, even said thanks let alone buy me a small present.

I will try and keep in contact with him but hes never staying over again.

thorsoak

I was shocked to read your posts at the weekend, when I realised that you were still in physical contact with your "friend". Sorry if you don't like what I am about to tell you - but it would seem as if you both deserve each other.

Your heading for this thread was "friend no more?" You asked for advice - we gave it - you say you are listening - but obviously you haven't taken our advice - so - good luck - I'm out of here.

dekaspace

thorsoak wrote: »

I was shocked to read your posts at the weekend, when I realised that you were still in physical contact with your "friend". Sorry if you don't like what I am about to tell you - but it would seem as if you both deserve each other.

Your heading for this thread was "friend no more?" You asked for advice - we gave it - you say you are listening - but obviously you haven't taken our advice - so - good luck - I'm out of here.

I wish you would get educated on this thing called AUTISM,

Why do people assume I haven't taken advice as I have given INFORMATION, please tell me where I haven't taken advice?

I listen, then give information or updates.

No wonder things like mental health or autism has problems when theres attitudes like yours around towards it. I mean no actual offense there as much as wishing people made more effort to think its not a tick box "yes and no" attitude to life.

When I listen I take it in, then when a conversation is over thats when its processed the most, if you notice there was a gap of a few days between posts.

Just because I haven't responded to every last detail from every last poster doesn't mean I haven't listened, just because I mention friend has problems with things like depression isn't me justifying his attitude.

It's understanding why it has happened in the first place.

What I am doing is giving myself time to cool off and cutting down contact with friend so when I do hear from him its not only when he wants something, that way hes still there and can improve and has his own time to reevaluate things.

harrys_dad

dekaspace wrote: »

he told me yesterday he got another £250 from his temp job so £550 for 2 weeks work

Was he staying at your place when he earned this money? If so, have you informed the appropriate authorities that you had a non-dependent adult who was earning money staying at your place? This is the sort of difficulty you open yourself to when you have people staying for extended periods and their occupancy status is unclear.

The advice you were given in #28 was excellent.

hazyjo

I'm really not sure what you want to hear so I'm outa here too


You seem very angry with people who are only trying to help. You want to stay friends with him, but are unhappy with the way he treats you. Did you just want a pat on the shoulder? I'm very confused. Sorry! Thought you were saying your friend was autistic, now it seems to be you - maybe I missed it.


We're not medical experts (and can't give medical advice on the forums so don't pretend to be) so please don't get cross when people 'haven't educated themselves with autism'.


Jx

pollyanna_26

As the writer of post 28 I am aware from various other threads that the op had asd . With experience in safeguarding I am aware that he is a vulnerable adult . He now will continue contact when it suits him with someone who he recently discovered had been using his address for 2 years without his knowledge .
Myself and others have asked in the past if he has some form of support without reply . I have urged him to seek some form of support without response . I am well aware mh services are stretched to the limit but there is some help out there and some coping mechanisms and maybe a more structured social life could be helpful and less risky , however I feel my words are falling on stoney ground .
polly

dekaspace

pollyanna_26 wrote: »

As the writer of post 28 I am aware from various other threads that the op had asd . With experience in safeguarding I am aware that he is a vulnerable adult . He now will continue contact when it suits him with someone who he recently discovered had been using his address for 2 years without his knowledge .
Myself and others have asked in the past if he has some form of support without reply . I have urged him to seek some form of support without response . I am well aware mh services are stretched to the limit but there is some help out there and some coping mechanisms and maybe a more structured social life could be helpful and less risky , however I feel my words are falling on stoney ground .
polly

I have replied though maybe not to you directly, I do have a social worker though they are useless, in almost 3 years have seen her 3 times each at my request where I have been promised things that have never happened, they even removed me from social work last year for a while as they had cutbacks, a complaint to MP got it back but social worker admitted I am too mild to get the support they have which is for people with severe disabilities (such as autistic people who have fits when stressed)

I managed to after asking many times get occupational therapy though councilling was what I asked for.

You have to realise though, and this is what frustrates me because people don't get a response or a response which is not outright doing everything they are told (as some advice could conflict) as well as I have already prepared for certain things.

I will cut back on talking to him, and only do it now and again that way I have someone to talk to when I am lonely and he has someone to as well without imposing on me.

If it was a case of him intentionally i.e not caring about applying for jobs here I would be really angry, but its more getting through to him as he has a childlike attitude to the world, its not intended to be nasty its he genuinely doesn't understand the impact his actions has, still he has done so much in recent years that I don't want to put up with him anymore.

And yes I do have a habit of taking in strays so to speak, a friend I have had who is an actual friend but has physical and mental health problems would go out of his way to help on occasion even to his own loss, his landlord had a sofa and he brought it and a shelf up in van at his own cost of petrol and refused payment, we would go for a drive to the beach miles away to socialise, and even when I told him I was moving he said if he still had his license he would of helped me move for free, thats a good friend even though he has serious mental health problems that lead to a breakdown.

Its that I see the flaws in people that can be fixed and mould them into a good person, it never works I know.

So yes I do listen to advice, and do act on it but try and find the best compromise for both me and him.