From debt to freedom...

crazy_cat_lady

Love to you HSL
The little anniversaries are hard. I was very wobbly on my wedding anniversary this year - in spite of being the one doing the divorcing. It is grief - for the life you thought you would have (according to my friends). Hope that you're doing ok today.
It is rubbish being stuck in the middle of everything - time seems to drag.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you CCL.

Today has been busy. I got a few hours of work done in preparation for tomorrow, still a fair amount to do:( but am concentrating on being ready for tomorrow.

I made toad in the hole with potatoes and veg for lunch, followed by apple amber. The apples had been given to us, so money saving:). The tins are looking better with chocolate muffins, vanilla muffins and ginger cake ( thanks XSpender for the suggestion in your diary ) which will hopefully last us a day or two. DS 1 has a day off on Mondays so we always come back to depleted tins!

Thankfully I had chance to make soup to take to work tomorrow, for lunch . Should be enough for a couple of days.

I was able to get out for a walk:T:T:T. We walked across fields ( all public footpaths) including one which had been ploughed since last week. I love the patchwork effect of the fields, which always stands out when one is a rich chocolates brown after ploughing. It was certainly good exercise:D. I saw something I'd never seen before. The sun was shining and as I looked in the direction of the sun, I noticed loads of spider webs zig zagging across the soil. As the wind blew, these webs moved but also glinted in the sunlight. It was amazing to see how many threads were jostling in the breeze. We took a different way back. I enjoy finding public footpath signs and then finding out where they go. Today was one such day, we found a sign and found out where it went.

Thankfully due to the cooking and walking it was a NSD. :T

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you CCL.

Today has been busy. I got a few hours of work done in preparation for tomorrow, still a fair amount to do:( but am concentrating on being ready for tomorrow.

I made toad in the hole with potatoes and veg for lunch, followed by apple amber. The apples had been given to us, so money saving:). The tins are looking better with chocolate muffins, vanilla muffins and ginger cake ( thanks XSpender for the suggestion in your diary ) which will hopefully last us a day or two. DS 1 has a day off on Mondays so we always come back to depleted tins!

Thankfully I had chance to make soup to take to work tomorrow, for lunch . Should be enough for a couple of days.

I was able to get out for a walk:T:T:T. We walked across fields ( all public footpaths) including one which had been ploughed since last week. I love the patchwork effect of the fields, which always stands out when one is a rich chocolates brown after ploughing. It was certainly good exercise:D. I saw something I'd never seen before. The sun was shining and as I looked in the direction of the sun, I noticed loads of spider webs zig zagging across the soil. As the wind blew, these webs moved but also glinted in the sunlight. It was amazing to see how many threads were jostling in the breeze. We took a different way back. I enjoy finding public footpath signs and then finding out where they go. Today was one such day, we found a sign and found out where it went.

Thankfully due to the cooking and walking it was a NSD.

Treadingonplaymobil

Sounds like a lovely walk! We went for a lovely walk round a NT property on Saturday, and it was so lovely to begin to see some of the autumn colours - feels like there hasn't been much of an autumn display this year.

Honeysucklelou2

The soup was delicious, really enjoyed a bowl at lunchtime.

It was a busy start to the week which looks set to continue during the week.

My youngest DD has her birthday this week. She really wants a bike so I have chatted with her and explained I can't do a big party and a bike, so she has settled for the bike and doing something with 4 friends. It's tricky balancing everything but not wanting to disappoint her.

Working_Mum

You should be kind to yourself Honeysuckle, splitting up is hard and the emotions are deep and multi layered. You have to learn to live a "new normal" and that can be quite a challenge. I am 9 years on and there are still days I feel like having a good cry! Or I wake up and forget I am actually divorced (that is a really weird feeling lol).

You will get there and it sounds like you have built a great life for yourself and your children.

My daughter is 17 now and she reminisces about some of her birthday celebrations when i didn't have any money at all (saved a few quid a week for weeks to be able to afford party food skint). We did sleep overs with pancakes for breakfast and a festival in the garden where they slept outside (until 2am and they all ended up on the lounge floor). I gave my daughter the freedom to choose how to celebrate her birthdays, within a budget and age related boundaries and now she is fiscally savvy, hosts brilliant parties and has a deep appreciation for what is important in this life.

I think it sounds like you're doing wonderfully and you should acknowledge that to yourself

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Working Mum. I hadn't thought of splitting up as multi layered but you are so right. The 5 years or so preceding separation were tough and I agonised for years as to what to do for the best, so it feels like a long time. It is reassuring to read and know that others have travelled on this path and got through. I think a new normality makes sense and has worked out for birthdays and everyday. It's the weekends that I need to get better. At the moment the ex won't commit to a time that he sees the children, which makes time planning difficult as the older children often won't want to do something in case they miss time with their dad, yet on other occasions we've waited in all day and he hasn't shown up. I find that frustrating and need to figure a way through this.


The toddler ended up with a high temperature on Monday night and was not well yesterday. As it happened, for just this week, my day off had changed so I was able to be with him when he was poorly. It must have been a 24 hour virus thing because by last night he was energetic and fully articulate again...a huge relief. I ended up with a bad headache by yesterday afternoon ( Tues) which I rarely get, so am wondering if it was the same virus. The toddler did complain of pins and needles in his head.

Despite being at home, it was not a NSD. I ordered DD's birthday present, a Christmas present and had to do a small top up shop. I was given some apples and made an Eve's pudding which was delicious . DD's car insurance went out of my bank account on Monday, so a somewhat spendy week this week.

Working_Mum

Honeysucklelou2 wrote: »

Thank you Working Mum. I hadn't thought of splitting up as multi layered but you are so right. The 5 years or so preceding separation were tough and I agonised for years as to what to do for the best, so it feels like a long time. It is reassuring to read and know that others have travelled on this path and got through. I think a new normality makes sense and has worked out for birthdays and everyday. It's the weekends that I need to get better. At the moment the ex won't commit to a time that he sees the children, which makes time planning difficult as the older children often won't want to do something in case they miss time with their dad, yet on other occasions we've waited in all day and he hasn't shown up. I find that frustrating and need to figure a way through this.

Divorce is brutal Honeysuckle and I can easily get on my soapbox about impact on children etc.

I haven't met anyone else since my marriage split up and this was a very conscious decision with regards to the impact on my children, my son was 10 and my daughter was 8 when their Dad left. I chose to parent very consciously (desperate to make up for the fact I was flying solo) which has meant I have become a little bit of an amateur psychologist lol. I read up on how to have healthy boundaries in respectful, kind relationships to be able to help my kids navigate their errant Dad choosing his shiny new life over responsibility to his old one. I read up on resilience in children and how to build it so they could cope with the knocks of every day life without it crushing them.

Maybe you have a Plan B in place for if their Dad doesn't turn up. This is a way of the kids taking back control of their time. Acknowledge how they feel but having an alternative in place is a good skill to learn and use throughout their lives. I often say to my kids when we are discussing plans etc "so if that doesn't pan out exactly the way you're wanting it to, what is your Plan B?".

Even now I read something almost everyday to help my kids cope with the impact of their Dad's departure. They're 19 & 17 now and we have some great conversations about behaviours etc and it shows me they're smart, communicative and resilient. It doesn't stop me feeling sad that I had to be a single parent and that their Dad misses out on seeing these amazing human beings for what they've grown into but that is my sadness to bear.

You are doing so well and you should be kind to yourself.:T:T:T

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Working Mum. That's a good idea to have a plan B up my sleeve. It's interesting what you wrote about resilience and healthy boundaries. My oldest DD had counselling for a while which really helped her to understand the unhealthy relationship traits she had seen at home and to understand healthy boundaries. She is the child who seems most resilient at the moment.


Working today, will be glad to get to the weekend.

Honeysucklelou2

What a glorious day we've enjoyed today...one of those beautiful crisp Autumnal days. It was my youngest DDs birthday today so we headed off to a nearby woods for a bike ride. It has a series of cycling trails for every ability and a cafe. I texted the ex and proposed that we went halves on a bike for her which, thankfully, he agreed to. She was able to spend a decent amount of time riding it today and then we had lunch at the cafe. I must confess I had a restorative cup of coffee, as it's been at least 3 years since I last rode a bike. Thoroughly enjoyable though, especially with the sun streaming through the trees.

DD3 was happy to stay at home and busied herself making a birthday cake for her sister. I'm very grateful as it saved me trying to squeeze it in either last night or this morning. All in all, today has been quite spendy but will be having as frugal a week as possible for half term. Hoping to get out for walks everyday if the weather allows.

One weird thing was the ex coming round to see DD for her birthday and deciding to take a bath while he was here :mad::mad::mad: When I questioned why he said he couldn't where he was. He seems to have managed for the last 2 years. Slightly unnerved by it,
I must confess.