From debt to freedom...

Spendless

Another option and what some students do where my DD studies, is to live as a lodger in someone's house. Quite often it;s someone older who wants companionship. Obviously all vetted of course. I can't think what the scheme is called though, maybe googling something like 'host families' may lead to what I'm talking about. Can she talk to some 3rd years who are moving on/moving out/moving home as they graduate about where they live and see if anyone is looking for another housemate. Might strike lucky. Agree it's worth asking re halls though they will probably give priority to 1st years. Is there any private halls nearby? That's what my DD lived in when she first moved away from home on a last minute offer so no time to sort anything else.

I'm now wide awake enough to calculate £350 x 52 weeks (assumming it's year round accommodation) - £18K. That is shocking and not sustainable, bearing in mind there's a 3rd year to go too.

A couple of tough questions/thoughts. How much student loan would she have received based on your wages if you'd not re-married? I realise her Dad should have been paying all these years and still should (IMO) for the eligible children, not doing so has made it far tougher on you than it should have been but I also understand if you prefer not to persue this route for child maintainance of the younger ones. I've no idea how you and your new DH divide the household bills and I accept that he came along in your DD's life at a later stage, but if there's a difference between how much your DD is receiving as a loan based on your joint income when she receives the minimum and and how much she'd have receieved if you were still on your own, then maybe a conversation may need to be opened up about this situation and a fresh look at the household bills and the way they are contributed to. At 18k this amount is not going to be feasible to pay for with 'just' your wages from job2 even if also adding all of DD's loan and her wages. Yes, it isn't fair that your new husband's wages are taken into account when her biological Dad has got away scot free but unfortunately that is one of the rules of the system that is household income of where the student lives that is taken into account and just something we have to accept.

Finally and perhaps the toughest question of all. Is she enjoying her course? If she's struggling due to feeling isolated and hasn't made friends does she want to continue or does she want to start again elsewhere, somewhere different, somewhere cheaper? She'd still get student funding for a 3 year degree as there's a gift year. Both of mine have used this gift year (for foundation courses, but can also be used if you change your mind after yr 1). It is still early days though my DD was struggling in same way at this point having not made friends with many and having no one to house share with. Then a plumbing related accident led to her room flooding, her having to move rooms and she met new people there and went on to houseshare with them, still does. One even flew out to visit when she studied abroad. My DD has also told me there's an app or similar about women wanting to meet other woman for platonic friendships in the capital. Again I don't know the name of it but I reckon an internet search would fetch something up. Obviously safety rules apply if going ahead, such as meet in a public space.

Good luck. I reckon this can be sorted.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Spendless, I really appreciate your time in posting. I think DD is enjoying the course and as it is one of the few places in the UK that offers this course, I think she would want to stay ( it’s also the best place for this subject).

I do like the idea of being a lodger so she gets to stay somewhere and there is someone else she can talk to. I think she has found herself alone a lot of the time in Halls, which perhaps is why she is less keen to stay in them.

It is a strange and frustrating juxtaposition that DD’s dad aka my ex, gets away with not paying anything and DH’s income gets factored in even though they are using his accounts from 3 years ago when we weren’t a household together then…but as you so rightly put, that is the system we have and as unfair as it feels, that is what we have to work with. I did go and ask my ex for a contribution towards DD’s rent and explained the figures but he told me he was unemployed and couldn’t contribute. Two days later DD5 asked to spend the day with him and was told she couldn’t because he was working 😡🤬 I don’t have the words to adequately express how disgusted I am.

I continue to pay the mortgage and most utilities. DH pays for the food, which with all of us ( stepchildren at weekends) is a considerable amount. We are averaging about £700 a month. He also pays for part of the water bill and has covered vehicle costs. I am conscious too that DH is the very opposite of my ex in that he does contribute well to his children’s needs and continues to pay the mortgage for the house they live in with their mum, so in effect we are paying for 2 households. It is very complicated but is costly legal wise to change anything at this point.

The rent DD4 has looked at are a 40 or 44 week contract length so still over £15k which is crackers. Even the full student loan wouldn’t cover the rent.

Spendless

No problem. Im on my 8th consecutive year of supporting a Uni student offspring through their studies. Happy to share my experiences.

That's a tough financial.situation all ways round. Totally understand about needing to study your subject in a certain place.

£15k is better than the £18k Id got it too, but still very high. I pay £10k and have for each year DD has studied in London (1 year halls, 2 years private). She is under London so gets the extra amount for studying there but its not in Central London so accommodation is cheaper.

As to ex. Looking at this from a purely unemotional pov, he isnt under any official obligation to contribute to DD's student life now she's at that stage due to how SF works. I can see that appealing to his better nature isnt going to work unfortunately.

However he should be paying for the younger (2?) children who are still school age, cos clearly he's working whatever he says. If he did pay towards them, it would give you more disposable income and make your wages stretch further. It depends on whether you consider it worth the mental energy of trying to persue this down an official line and whether you think there'd be any different outcome.

Hope your DD finds a solution. She can also ask her bank to increase her overdraft though Ive no idea how much to and I know that's just kicking the can down the road.

Try not to worry too much and enjoy Feb half term.

Willowtree222

Morning,

I too feel the unfairness of exs and the system. He recently purchased a Porche worth well over 100k and I still get the standard £200 with zero contribution to anything else she may need. It is a very unfair system we live in and one where too many loop holes leaves honest hardworking people struggling considerably. I don't know what helps you when the anger hits, but I always remember that my conscious is clear when it comes to doing what I can. I know that doesn't cover the costs.

You are doing all you can and I am sure it will come together some how. It usually finds a way.

Enjoy having a week off job one.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Spendless and Willowtree222.

You’re right Willowtree222- at the end of the day I know and my children can see that I have worked as hard as possible in order to support them as best I can.

Spendless - I have thought about trying to go down the child maintenance route…given his past track record on attending court or signing documents that he has verbally agreed to, I feel that it would be a long battle and because he is self employed, the opportunity to hide his income is there. Indeed on the forms we had to fill in for the financial agreement, I submitted 12 months of statements for every account I hold, even if it only had £2 in it, whereas he submitted a set of statements for 1 account and didn’t hand in statements for the savings accounts that had standing orders in their favour according to the statements he did hand in. I have limited hope therefore, for his financial transparency.

On Friday I had chance to catch up with DD1. She has found a free willow weaving workshop which we both thoroughly enjoyed and gave us both ideas for future projects. We returned to her house where my son-in-law had cooked tea for us. A distinct blessing of having older children is being invited to tea at their house!!

Yesterday, DSD1 and I tackled the weekly shop which was a lot easier than the week before where we got there at 3.50 on Sunday afternoon and had to do a whole family team effort resembling an episode of supermarket sweep to get through the tills by 4!!

I had time to get to the allotment too, which was lovely. I spent the entire time chopping back brambles. There is a long elevated section ( about 3-4 metres wide) that is full of brambles, like a living wall, but my aim is to clear and plant an orchard in that space. In the longer term I would love to add bee hives but there is a lot of work to do before then. My arms certainly feel the effect of over an hours chopping with the shears!!

Seed wise I sowed aubergines and sweet peas. The first and second sow of sweet peas are through as are the tomatoes. I found some other tomato seeds this morning, for some yellow tomatoes which have fruited well in previous years.

Sold one item on Vinted so that’s £10 to go off a debt.

Dakota_Rose

That sounds like a busy but rewarding use of the time you’ve had off. I’ve had the same week off and it has felt like a week of Sundays, but so needed and at least we will be going back to work with lighter mornings and birdsong to start the days off.

Spendless

I had a vague memory that ex was self employed from a long ago post. Totally unfair that this provides him with 'opportunity' to hide his finances. As I used to say to my friend whose ex used to pull similar stunts to avoid paying for their boys, its not like you get the option of not providing for them.

I have seen (I follow the legal Queen on SM) that you can take someone back to court for not paying if their lifestyle isnt consistant with what they claim they earn but I suspect its a long drawn out process, potentially expensive with no guarantees and plenty of mental energy needed.

Hopefully your DD will find some cheaper accommodation. I also forgot to mention that buses are cheap compared to the tube. My DD's single fare bus journey is less than it is where we live. Cant remeber if there's also a daily or weekly cap. Worth looking up just in case she finds something further afield.

Glad you enjoyed half term. The image of a family supermarket sweep made me smile.

Humdinger1

Yes, when I looked into it several years ago you can appeal. Forensic accountant can be involved but it does take time. Maybe worth talking to Gingerbread? Good luck love Humdinger xx