I've lost my partner, everything, what do i do now?

thorsoak

Don't apologise for feeling low, Dora - this is absolutely one time when you are allowed to feel low - and let your son know that you are sad, just as he is, that you are allowed to be sad - but that you still can laugh at funny things xx

Andypandyboy

So sorry to hear about your loss. I didn't want to read and run but I don't know if I have anything to offer advice wise which will be of any use to you. Are you closer to one friend than another within the larger group? If so could you write to her? I can't believe they wouldn't want to rally round in the circumstances you describe. I know church groups are not for everyone, but many churches do offer a lot of support especially at this time of year.

There is also a support thread for widows on here, lots of information on it may be useful to you and of course they have been through the same experience so do know something of what you are feeling.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5185428


I really hope things improve for you and your son.

TBagpuss

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad that the school is being supportive to your son.

So far as Christmas is concerned, I would not try to force your son to decorate / celebrate if he doesn't want to. Even if your son can't articulate it, it may that he feels it will be too hard, there will be too many reminders of christmasses with his dad. Perhaps you could speak to him about the two of you doing something at christmas, different from what you've done as a family in the past?
This might be as simple as choosing a (non-traditional) favourite meal, spending time together watching DVDs, or reading or going for walks. Don't force him, or yourself, to celebrate when neither of you is that frame of mind.

Do you think he may want to 'look after you' as a way of doing something? He may be feeling very scared and helpless, and letting him help and support you as well as you looking after him, may be helpful to him. Of course not to the extent where he feels he has to replace your partner, but letting him help might help him, as well as you.

Could you maybe do things together, such as cooking, housework, where his helping would be genuinely useful and let him feel he is looking after you.

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx might help you chekc ut your entitlement to benefits etc.

Are you aware of Winston's Wish? (http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/) they are a charity supporting children who have experienced bereavement, and you and your son might both find their suggestions and services helpful, and they have a helpline if you need someone to talk to.

I'm so sorry that your friends are not supporting you. I think, given their ages, that they may never have had to deal with anyone who has had this kind of loss, which is not a good reason. If you can, you may find that specific requests work better than general ones - e.g "Can you come round? I'm struggling, and just coming for a cup of tea and a chat would help" might work better than "I'd like to meet up some time"

What about your partner's friends? Have they been in contact at all?

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your son.

Loz01

Are you in touch with anyone from your partners side of the family, or his friends? Im sure they'd like to help and support you and your little boy. Like another poster said, maybe ask him to do a few small and menial tasks at home and then he will maybe feel confident in the fact he is "looking after you", bless him. Make sure though you tell him, the same way its ok to be sad, its still ok to be happy and to celebrate christmas or smile and laugh. Why not have a movie night with his fave DVD and some pound shop popcorn and sweets? Tell him that your partner would want him to smile and carry on enjoying his life and although he's very sad, it will get better in time.

-taff

Did his work have death in service? Do his parents live close?

I'm afraid I can't be really helpful, but possibly the debt free wannabe board could be, or the old style moneysaving board. They can show you ways to eke out what money you do have coming in. There are things like online surveys that will also bring in a very few pounds. You could sell anything you don't really need.
Just trying to think of ways you can make some money to eat. Again, go to a foodbank, they're not there to not be used. Might be worht also speaking to any local charities that provide food, or clothing or similar. Also, don't be afraid to go through any bags you might see outside charity shops for things, i usually do

If the woman who owes you money ahsn't paid, and you know whwere she lives, send her a letter asking for it back, advising you will take her to court if she doesn't pay. To be honest though, borrowing 600 pounds for a car sounds as if money is probably short for her too and she's probably spent it all for christmas.

It's a massive shock when someone dies unexpectedly, so if you can find a support group locally, that might help too.


Sorry i couldn't be of more help.

Kynthia

I'm so sorry for your loss and tge awful financial situation you now find yourself in.

Please contact some of tge support organisations others have listed as they will have practical information fir yiu as well as emotional support.

I know you said his employer can't help but was he a current member of a union (they sometimes pay out a small sum in tge event of death) or did he have any previous employers where he may have paid into a pension? Although some pension schemes require you to be married these would often pay out until a dependant child was an adult, and others can pay out to an unmarried partner at the trustees discretion.

Savvy_Sue

sophie131 wrote: »

Do you have a local food bank that could offer you some support with getting some food for you and your son?

I know the OP's going to ask for a referral from the GP, and she said the foodbank was only open on Tuesdays, but you can usually go without a referral to ask for help: most of them do a lot more than give out food. And I know some of them run with a caf! alongside and will give you a hot meal even if you haven't been referred for taking food home.

Lots of other good suggestions, my heart goes out to the OP and her son.

suzeesu2000

Oh Dora, my heart breaks for you both.

For Christmas, as you and son dont feel like "celebrating" why not have a winter picnic? Away from the house, maybe the beach or somewhere special to you all? Perhaps get your son to write a letter to his dad and put it inside a balloon that he can let go at the end of your day. He might find it easier to write his feelings. Just a thought. Or perhaps you could both have a PJ day? Cuddle up in bed with the telly on and a plate of sandwiches?

I was 14 when my dad died and the first christmas was the worst in my life. I cant even imagine it for a wee 9 year old.

In the meantime, there is no right or wrong way to grieve my love. You get through it a day at a time. Dont bully yourself if some days are not so good. Tomorrow might be better.

In the meantime i hope it is of some small comfort to know there are people who care; after all, we have all replied to you.
Big hugs x

PeacefulWaters

going for walks

Try to restore this joint activity.

Time together along with a bit of exercise. An opportunity to clear your head.

It might just be exactly what you both need. And it's free.

In very different circumstances walking became life changing for me.

Fosterdog

I'm so sorry for your loss, I really can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and really do admire your strength trying to keep things together for your son.

Someone I know went through similar a few years ago, she lost her husband and she has been left to raise their three children alone while dealing with the grief. She's not a close friend more an acquaintance but I know she's been to hell and back more than once since she lost him and really does have a lot of ups and downs. She goes from power mum pushing forward and trying to stay positive to complete pits of depression where her close friends and family have to step in to help out, the bit she found hardest was admitting she needed help and couldn't do it alone.

I'd love to help her out more but I don't know her that well and she lives in a different part of the country so all I can do really is offer some support at a distance.

She posted this link online a few days ago http://lostpeony.com/free-online-grief-help-and-support/ it's from someone who's been through it and was lost trying to find help and support so as well as offering support it is also a database of groups, blogs, twitter accounts etc. That have all helped compiled in one place.

I wish you and your son well especially at this time of the year when it is always going to be the hardest and hope you can find some peace and comfort in each other.

Hugs xx