I've lost my partner, everything, what do i do now?

AndyBSG

If you have a mortgage you need to find out if there was any life assurance as part of the mortgage or if a separate policy was taken out at all and contact your mortgage provider.

Also, as suggested you should contact his employer to see if there is a 'death in service' benefit.

Really, first step should be citizens advice who can offer more tailored support.

No mention of you or your partners age so not sure if there are any widows pension options you can look at or if your partner was a member of any workplace or private pension schemes?

My sympathies for you and your son but also my congratulations on the way you have raised him because his actions really are admirable and a testament to his fathers memory.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Don't be afraid to ask your neighbours for help; either practical (ie babysitting if you end up going for job interviews) or just to pop round for a cuppa and a chat when you feel overwhelmed. Do they even know about the bereavement? I'm sure most would want to be of help in this situation.

Also, does your son's school know?

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry for your loss. When someone dies suddenly, and too young, it can be a really debilitating grief. Getting used to it (not getting over it) takes a long time. My advice:

People want to help: let them. But they might not know how best - if you can, then say "please come and keep us company one evening", or "yes please, I would appreciate you to look at the benefits website with me".

I know someone who lost his Dad at 9. He wishes adults had treated him differently: kept him with his mum so he knew he still was wanted, kept him at his normal school and clubs so he didn't get left out of friendship groups, and talked to him about his dad and about his feelings so he knew they were OK to feel and express. This isn't only you - all the adults in his life can help (especially if it is getting too much for you). His gran, aunts, uncles, friend's parents etc.

Wishing you strength and comfort.

stroodes

I think it's too early to think about working, you should see your doctor and get a sick line ( is it still called this? ) and take time to get yourself together.
You will be entitled to esa and possibly other benefits so do seek help from citizens advice who could help you loads. My heart goes out to you x. Annette.

gwynlas

Firstly sorry for your loss. how long had you been together. was he your sons father? The questions might sound intrusive but the answers obviously affect how you can help your son with this.
My niece lost her husband again a fit man who died suddenly aged 39, leaving 4 and 8 year old boys. Though this was some ten years ago the eldest still refuses to talk about his father.
Hopefully you have already received good advice through the links I've seen posted.
One of the most important things you need to do is acknowledge that this loss is still fresh and that this Christmas will be your first without him but still needs to be acknowledged. Perhaps you could just dress a small tree and refrain from putting cards up as hopefully your friends and family will acknowledge your loss in their messages.
Don't let pride get in your way, local charities often provide Christmas hampers and toys, perhaps your mother could nominate you. See if you can get nominated for a local food bank. Don't forget that there are lots of people out there who feel blessed that they can help others less fortunate than themselves. You can always make return donation when you are in a better place.
Thank your son for all he is doing but remind him that things will get better but that this takes time and that as hard as it feels it is not wrong to enjoy yourselves even if this is just watching a funny DVD together. Involve your son in planning this Christmas, and his weekends he might feel shunted aside otherwise.
Only you know how supportive your family is so decide whether you accept invitations on that basis, you might feel that you'd rather be just the two of you eating egg and chips at home rather than facing a crowded family occasion. It is perfectly acceptable to take yourself off for a weep now and again and acknowledge your loss. Do not be forced into accepting invitations on the basis that you should do something for your sons sake, his actions so far show him to be mature enough for you to decide together before accepting or declining.
Again accept any leftovers if offered in good spirit, that extra cake, tin of biscuits or cold sliced meat might offer some comfort and be a practical way of others showing their support.
Do come back and ask whatever questions that arise about whatever matter there are usually helpful people around who can assist.

gettingtheresometime

Please don't think you have to do this alone - it would crease me if I thought a friend in your situation couldn't come to me and be honest about their situation.

If you don't accept people's offers of help then they will think everything is ok - as they will do if you don't tell them you need help.

gettingtheresometime

I was going to suggest that, if you want to mark Christmas but don't want to 'trim up' what about candles?

My FIL died in the November and it did hit OH especially as MIL had already died.

As the mood wasn't really festive I got an assortment of candles and lit those - in some ways it felt more spiritual

DoraNotExplora

Hi,
First of all, thank you all for your replies and support. It means so much to me right now. Sorry, i had to read and run this morning but i'll answer your replies now.

I've managed to get a doctors appointment for both me and my son for next Tuesday and hopefully we can get some form of counselling, we both need it i think him more than me. He's become so quiet and reserved over the past few weeks, even more so now with it being the first Christmas without his dad.

Unfortunately there was no will, i'm not entitled to widowed allowance as we weren't married and his work are unable to help. I'll check out Turn2Us in a little bit to see what i can do. I've been into the job center though and i basically have no option but to go back into work as all i'm entitled to is Job Seekers. I've managed to get that started and should receive a decision just after New Years so fingers crossed for that. The foodbank is only open on a Tuesday so i'm hoping that when i see the doctor next week then i can get a voucher for it. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about having to use one but i've no choice.

Luckily i'm in a council flat so my friend sorted out the housing benefit and council tax benefit on a nil income form which has helped. I'm glad i'm not having to deal with any sort of eviction right now.

My partner is/was (saying "was" is so hard but it's more correct i guess) 34 and i'm 30. We were together for 17 years (we got together when i was 13, he is the only person i have ever been with).

My mother has been really supportive emotionally and i know she would help me financially if she could but she only gets a basic pension, she's also going to a trip with friends for Christmas. She said she's stay home but i told her to go because it's been booked for months as i don't want to ruin her Christmas too.

I've found (or it feels) that my friends have been pretty much distant since the weeks after the funeral. But i understand that they have their own lives to live, i just wish they'd remember the help, support and money i've given them over the years. Not that i've ever asked for anything in return, i'm not that way inclined, but just for them to return my phone calls or to send a quick text, a letter, something. Maybe i'm asking too much. I don't even go on Facebook anymore because it saddens me to see them all so happy and out together. But like i say, their life has to move on.

I really like the idea of the candles and i'll ask my son again to see if he'll just consider a couple of decorations maybe. I think i'll stand by his wishes and not make too much of a fuss. I think that's why he likes going to my mothers, she has treated him exactly the same as she always has done all the way through this ( if that makes sense). Since his dad died i've become so worrisome over everything he does. Last week he complained of a pain in his neck and shoulder and my head automatically thought "my son is dying". I think i get on his nerves a bit now.

I'm so sorry if my reply is depressing and i'm sorry it's so long. I get a bit carried away as apart from my mum, i've literally nobody else to talk to about this. Again, thank you all so much for your replies, links (i will look at them, i promise) and well wishes. It means so much that you'd take the time out to talk to me especially when you must all be so busy with Christmas and family. It does mean a lot to me.

Thank you x

duchy

I wouldn't write your friends off . You are very young for such a loss and if they are the same age they've probably not come across this situation before and are terrified they may upset you further by intruding or by saying the wrong thing. Reach out to them, you've nothing to lose by doing so and a lot to gain. You may be surprised who is there for you ....often it's the most unexpected people who step up and those who you assume would be right there who aren't.

AshleyBurf

duchy wrote: »

I wouldn't write your friends off . You are very young for such a loss and if they are the same age they've probably not come across this situation before and are terrified they may upset you further by intruding or by saying the wrong thing. Reach out to them, you've nothing to lose by doing so and a lot to gain. You may be surprised who is there for you ....often it's the most unexpected people who step up and those who you assume would be right there who aren't.

I agree with this 100%