I've lost my partner, everything, what do i do now?

DoraNotExplora

Hi, sorry to bother you all and i'm sorry if this is on the wrong forum. I'm really lost and i have nobody else to talk to.

My partner passed away 3 months ago unexpectedly. Naturally it was a huge shock, he was always fit and healthy, always looked after himself and one night we were talking he was alive and then he wasn't. I still can't get my head around it all and i'm finding it so hard to believe it isn't some sort of big joke, that he'll come back from work and be all "surprise". I know that wont happen, but i can't stop my head from thinking it. He was the love of my life and i miss him more now that i ever did.

Anyway, since he passed obviously the household income has fallen and i don't work at the moment. What help am i able to get? I hate saying this because i always feel like i'm blaming him,but i'm really not, there was no life insurance and we only had £1500 roughly of savings which went towards funeral costs.

I have a 9 year old son who has decided he is now the man of the house (i've told him so many times that he is my responsibly, not the other way round) and has returned or sold all his Christmas presents, unknown to me, so we would have money for heat, light and food. He's asked for us to not celebrate Christmas this year, i don't even know if i should be respecting his wishes or should i do something just to make a bit of an effort? I've not even put the tree up let alone bought any Christmas food.

Currently we have £60 a week to live off which is child benefit and child tax credits, luckily a friend helped me get housing benefit and council tax credits. It's the only thing i've managed to sort out, and even then i couldn't sort it on my own. I've not eaten properly in weeks just so my son has food, but i think he knows this as he will always leave leftovers for me. You have no idea of the guilt i have eating those left overs.

What do i do now? I have a depressed 9 year old who wont even let me comfort him, i'm on auto pilot only just keeping it together, i've no money, hardly any food week to week. I send him to my mums every weekend just so he can have some time away from me and so he's warm and can eat. I've honestly thought about letting him stay there permanently, and at one point i thought he'd be better off without me. Luckily i'm not at that point anymore but i still feel equally low inside.

I'm not too sure what i'm looking for right now if i'm honest. Advice, comfort, someone who's been through this? I don't know. All i know is that me and my son should be mourning our loss, but we can't, not right now.

Thank you for listening x

mellymoo74

Google turn2us

That should help you see what you can get.
Lot's can be applied for online.

Have you got any support for you? Go and see GP think about bereavement counselling for your son as well as yourself.

Stripeybat

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I haven't been in your situation, but I have been in your son's, albeit a little older. Mind you, he sounds very wise for his years, bless him.

Easier said than done, but try not to be too concerned about Christmas. Your son won't remember the presents or the lack of from this year, I promise you. I honestly think you should just take comfort in each other this Christmas, you and your son - that is what both he and you need just now. We took everything down and boxed the presents away, we didn't even touch them for a year. You are not letting your son down by not providing a 'normal' Christmas, all you can do is be there for each other and be guided by your own instincts in this one. Whatever you think is best, whatever you feel you can cope with.

With regards to money.. is Widowed Parent Allowance an option? I agree with the previous poster, go to turn2us for their benefit calculator or get in contact with your local CAB if you can. They will have a lot of advice on what help you may be entitled to.

Counselling.. your GP can refer you to Cruse bereavement counselling. They should also be able to offer someone for your son to talk to as well. I know right now things probably feel so raw that counselling could seem useless, but it can really help. Myself and members of my family felt it helped at the time but we couldn't grieve fully, Cruse offered us further counselling a few years down the line.. they can be there when you need them in the future.

I'll end this ramble here, sorry if it was no use - I couldn't just read and not respond. Please know, as daft as it sounds, you aren't alone here. I wish you all the best x

PeacefulWaters

Is there A will?

Were there any life assurance policies?

Did your partner have any pensions from any previous employment that can be released to you (or your son)?

Grieving is a personal thing and is perfectly natural and takes time to work through. Nothing you're feeling is wrong. It's a massive shock and I can't begin to imagine how you must feel.

Talk things through with your GP. Ask about counselling.

In the meantime, perhaps with the help of a friend, work through the financials mentioned above and look further into what benefits you are entitled to.

thorsoak

Oh my dear Dora - first of all, {{hugs}} for you and for your son - you are both going through so much grief at the moment, and it is so hard for both of you.

http://www.kidshealth.org.nz/helping-child-cope-death-parent might be of help to your lad - and to you. Look at counselling for both of you - talking things over may help you to look at the future with a slightly different view. And don't send your son to your parents without you every weekend - he has already lost his dad and he may fee that he is losing you too.

As as been suggested already - look at turn2us.org,, it will tell you what help you are entitled to. Come back and tell us how you are coping - or not - you will find lots of support here xxx

sophie131

Do you have a local food bank that could offer you some support with getting some food for you and your son?

Andrew_Ryan_89

Are you renting or do you have a mortgage? Worth contacting his former employer and enquire about life assurance. Even junior, unskilled roles usually have some payout in case of death.

Also, in regards to food, what are you eating? Not the same situation but currently I'm on a very tight budget and my diet consists of rice, some frozen protein and salad. Only drink I have is water. Big bag of oats for breakfast (and lunch at times) which last a month. In all on a very tight month I can get away with spending less than £30 a month between my wife and I on food.

duchy

He has lost an important figure in his life (I'm assuming not his Dad but nevertheless a strong presence in his life) so does he really need to go to school every day and then go to your Mum's every weekend without you ?

He needs his Mum, no matter how grown up he is he's a nine year old child.

If you aren't ready to start looking for work yet (and working tax credits will make a big difference to your finances ) then ESA may be a possibility. You really need to talk to Citizen's Advice to find out exactly what you can claim for , you owe it to your son to do so.

If you don't have the heart for Christmas this year could your son spend it with your Mum either with or without you?

silvercar

Copied from another thread:

LydiaJ wrote:

silvercar wrote:

Awful day, close friend's brother had a heart attack and died, leaving 3 little kiddies. He was only 44. To cap it all she lost her sister in a car crash decades ago. Her parents are both in their 70s, not sure how they will cope losing a second child.

Oh silvercar! That's awful. That poor family!

If you have an opportunity, in due course, you might like to point them in the direction of these people:

Link for support for those losing a spouse or partner under the age of 50

Link for support for those losing a child of any age

They also do an event for those who've lost a sibling, but it's aimed at young adults in their 20s and 30s so your friend may be a bit old for that.

Before recommending them, you'll probably want to know that Care for the Family is a Christian organisation but their bereavement support services are for people of any faith or none, and on the weekend all the specifically Christian stuff is confined to a couple of optional sessions. Actually, all the sessions are optional - it's all very flexible. The couple who run the widowed young events are some of the most welcoming people I've ever come across - from the moment I walked through the door they made me feel they were so glad that I'd come, and that looking after me in whatever way I needed was the only thing on their minds, and it would be their pleasure to accommodate whatever would help me most.

I'm going on the training in the spring to become one of their widowed young befrienders.

heartbreak_star

Oh Dora, bless your heart!

I don't really have much advice but didn't want to read and run.

Could your mum help you as well as your son? Does she know how bad a place you are in?

Lots of love and good wishes.

HBS x

AshleyBurf

So sorry to hear about this. I have been in a horrible situation this year also and the best I can give you is to ask for help in as many places as you can whilst you get back on your feet in the next months.

I don't know much about what the UK government can do but I would really suggest reaching out to friends as much as possible for emotional support and financial support. You could set up a gofundme.com campaign and ask friends on Facebook to give something.