Money Moral Dilemma: How do I tell my mum to stop spending?

Former_MSE_Nick

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I lent my parents some money to pay a large unexpected bill. They are due to repay me when they receive an upcoming inheritance, but since I helped them out my mother has been constantly spending on lots of 'little bits', plus some furniture costing a third of what they owe me. I feel it's disrespectful and taking advantage - what should I tell her?

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Growmac

If it was agreed that it would be paid back from the inheritance, then unless your circumstances have changed in some way and you need the money, I don't see the problem. As long as you get it back then, how they spend their money in the meantime is not your concern.

scotsbob

If they promised to pay you back when they got their inheritance then that's the deal you agreed to.


However, if your circumstances have changed and you really need the money now, then you need to explain that because they won't know until you tell them.


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Knightsuntold

Have your parents lived on a limited budget for some time? If so, it sounds as though your mum is enjoying having the freedom to spend at will, and at least some of it's on furniture, and not just thrown away. If you agreed to accept payback from an inheritance, then she probably doesn't even realise how you feel.

There is another point that may be worth considering. Is the inheritance from someone who was close to your mum? Sometimes people use spending as a way of coping with a situation, rather than dealing with the problem. It might be worth checking that she's ok.

Lisbon

Did they actually this 'large outstanding bill'? If so, why have they got cash left to burn? You agreed to lend whatever it was you lent and you agreed to repayment when they get the inheritance, so what's your beef?

Teacher2

You are right to be alarmed about your mother's spending but on her behalf not your own. If she is spending the money loaned for one purpose there are several concerns.

Firstly, she might not have paid the debt for which she was lent the money which will make for much more trouble down the line.

Secondly, your mother's spending seems to be out of control and she will reap the consequences later when the debts pile up.

Thirdly, if she has wasted your money she may still need more cash to pay the original debt and might well not pay you back when the inheritance arrives. Even if she doesn't need the cash she might well not pay you back which will damage your relationship.

I am not sure what you can do about this as she will no doubt dislike the situation being discussed as she is in the wrong and people react very badly to others when they feel guilty. It might well be that in order to preserve your relatonship with your parents that you end up out of pocket. The lesson is never, ever lend your parents money again. And then never, ever lend anyone any money again.

In 'Hamlet' Polonius utters the truest words ever on loans:

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry."

Lending destroys relationships and borrowing makes you incapable of budgeting properly.

Pollycat

MSE_Nick wrote: »

I lent my parents some money to pay a large unexpected bill. They are due to repay me when they receive an upcoming inheritance, but since I helped them out my mother has been constantly spending on lots of 'little bits', plus some furniture costing a third of what they owe me. I feel it's disrespectful and taking advantage - what should I tell her?

What is meant by 'an upcoming inheritance'?

I think it's a bit silly to loan anyone money on the basis of 'an upcoming inheritance' - unless the person leaving the money has already died and the beneficiaries are just waiting for the money to be released.

Nobody has an inheritance until the person with money/property dies and leaves those assets to a specific person.
Wills can be - and often are - changed.

Having made that point, if the poster with the dilemma agreed with her parents that the money would be paid back from this inheritance (that is definitely coming to her parents) then she should wait until that time.
Unless her financial circumstances have changed and she really needs the money now as opposed to wanting it because she's unhappy with her Mum's spending habits.

Dird

I have the same issue with my mom & sister. My sister moved out but continues to waste money...first a £300 HSBC loan earlier this year (after I refused to loan her), now a £200 loan off me apparently until January.

My mom is similarly annoying in that I only charge her £30/month to live with me (she pays food costs), cheapest her bills will have ever been, yet she somehow still lives paycheck to paycheck. Both just get annoyed when I tell them to do a SOA/sort their spending out

Mojisola

Dird wrote: »

My sister moved out but continues to waste money...first a £300 HSBC loan earlier this year (after I refused to loan her), now a £200 loan off me apparently until January.

If you refused the first time and then saw her waste the money she borrowed, why did you give her the £200?

meknowalot-51

When they recieve the expected inheritance you will get what's owed to you,all you have to do is wait and hope they pay up after their windfall.

JWPopps

I hope this doesn't come across incredibly holier-than-thou, particularly as this is my first ever post, but...

- the agreement was predicated on an inheritance. Since the money being spent is not an inheritance then the point is a little moot.

- I make it a policy not to lend money I couldn't afford to lose. This currently means I really don't lend much money at all, but in the past I lent £700 to a friend, and even though I'd spent months saving it, I lent it on the grounds that if she was never able to pay it back I could cope without it. Her friendship meant more than the money... then when she did pay me back, it was a bonus!

However, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Maybe the poster is feeling resentful because actually they could really use that money back sooner rather than later? If that's the case then if they have a good relationship with their parents maybe a chat to explain, or to ask if there's any way a new agreement for paying it back can be reached might help?

If however the money isn't really an issue and it's the principle of the thing, then I'd be tempted to let it go, unless Mum's spending is putting parents in a potentially sticky situation which will require another loan... if that's the case, a frank conversation will be tough, but possibly necessary.