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Long Relationship + short marriage - why?

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13

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  • wannabe_sybil
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    It may be that, after a long relationship without marriage, one partner is considering splitting up and wants the legal advantages of being married.

    There's no such thing as common law spouse.

    Or, one partner has been wanting committment and finally realises that they might as well find someone else. To stop their partner leaving, the reluctant partner agrees to get wed to keep the peace. However afterwards it is very likely the one who craved marriage who now feels that they only got married to shut them up and it isn't worth trundling on.

    I suspect that a marriage after a long relationship is either for pragmatic and sensible legal and financial reasons or as a sticky plaster.
    Ankh Morpork Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons - don't let my flame go out!
  • Calluna
    Calluna Posts: 50 Forumite
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    You're all getting me really worried. I got married in September after 28 years with my partner. He asked last Christmas and I'm not quite sure why :rotfl:. But I said yes, we've been through pretty much everything together, moving for work, buying a house, going bankrupt, being evicted, moving country, building a house, going to university as mature students and doing degrees, being unemployed, finding work and planning a wedding :beer:Fingers crossed we don't get sick of each other
  • trailingspouse
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    I've come across many couples who have lived together happily for years then split up not long after marriage. In fact, it was one of the reasons I kept refusing to marry my husband! In the end, after 10 years together, and being asked 4 times, I decided to take a chance on it not happening to us. 6 years on, so far so good!!

    I think of it like this - you might be perfectly happy sitting in your room and don't have any urge to leave, but if the door of the room is locked you want to get out. Unless, of course, the room is absolutely perfect.
    No longer a spouse, or trailing, but MSE won't allow me to change my username...
  • Lily-Rose_3
    Lily-Rose_3 Posts: 2,732 Forumite
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    I think some couples who have been together for years fall out of love/realise they never had anything in common/plain hate each other, and think that getting married will bring the spark back or bring them closer.
    But of course if your relationship is dead then a marriage certificate isn't going to revive it, and once they realise that what's left to stay together for?
    zagfles wrote: »
    Yeah I know a few couples who this has happened to. Reading between the lines the main reason seems to be the same reason as why they left it so long. One or other of the couple wasn't completely happy in the relationship and was "settling", in the back of their mind was "he/she'll do until someone better comes along".

    But no-one better comes along, so they give up and get married. Then it hits them, they're "trapped", the vain hope of finding someone better is gone.

    I also know a few people who've had very long engagements, split up, met someone else and got married within a year or two! Again it's clear they were "settling" and hoping someone better would come along, and in these cases they did!

    Face up and be honest about the reason why you've left it so long. If you really are both committed to your partner, and can honestly say that no-one on the planet could take you away from them, then your marriage will likely succeed.
    It may be that, after a long relationship without marriage, one partner is considering splitting up and wants the legal advantages of being married.

    There's no such thing as common law spouse.

    Or, one partner has been wanting committment and finally realises that they might as well find someone else. To stop their partner leaving, the reluctant partner agrees to get wed to keep the peace. However afterwards it is very likely the one who craved marriage who now feels that they only got married to shut them up and it isn't worth trundling on.

    I suspect that a marriage after a long relationship is either for pragmatic and sensible legal and financial reasons or as a sticky plaster.

    All of the above ^^^ :T

    I have known a number of people who have got married after more than 10 years a couple, and they have all split between 2 and 4 years after. I agree with all of these posts, but found the second one I quoted very profound (by zagfles.)

    Me personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who refused to get married. Marriage has always been important to me, and I would definitely never have had children without being married first.
    Proud to have lost over 3 stone (45 pounds,) in the past year! :j Now a size 14!


    You're not singing anymore........ You're not singing any-more! :D
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698 Forumite
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    When I was about 15 a boy in the village fancied me; I didn't fancy him at all.
    Next thing he's dating a girl that's "very similar to me" to look at, but she was a bit of a slow learner/plodder with no personality really. Not being mean, but she just didn't ever have anything to say for herself, about anything; she got a little job behind the counter in the village shop and that was it.

    When I was 19 or 20 she 'forced' him into the "getting engaged bit".....

    We all said "he won't marry her, he's still hoping for something better".

    The local records office is fully up to date for all marriages - I just checked .... 40 years after they started dating and he's STILL not married her.
  • jetplane
    jetplane Posts: 1,615 Forumite
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    I think the couples who split are those who were trying to fix something or felt something was missing. Prove they were still in love, re-ignite the spark, start afresh sort of thing and the relationship was already doomed.

    In my circle of friends at least five couples have married after living together many years, all more than ten years and one of them more than twenty years, and having family. Nothing has changed, they are still together years later, three couples married for pension and inheritance, they said it was going to make things much more straightforward. One couple married because it was the first time he asked her after 16 years living together and the other couple just decided to get around to it.

    The celebrations included a quiet two witness wedding, two registry office and restaurant meals a large wedding abroad and full blown bridal and evening do. :D
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
  • DigForVictory
    DigForVictory Posts: 11,920 Forumite
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    I know a couple who got married strictly for the pension. They'd been happily "living in sin" for decades, were about to leap out of the rut into retirement & a leaflet explained their income would be higher if they tied the knot first.
    So they sloped off to the registry office & as far as I know are still happily together just with different paperwork.

    My concern has always been for the poor young hopefuls who get into massive complex glorious funerals - and it goes pearshaped within months. I think the focus on the wedding, not the marriage, is a problem.

    Fore those happily not yet married, I reckon so long as noone has any daft beliefs in "Common Law Marriage" (I dunno what story teller let *that* escape into Myth but if I ever meet them, then I'll impale them on a rainbow unicorn pronto) & they have good robust Wills & POAs etc, carry right on. The tax perks are not worth crashing a relationship over.
  • SG27
    SG27 Posts: 2,773 Forumite
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    I've been to two expensive weddings in the last 18 months who have both now split. Both been together for 10 years plus beforehand. £10,000s down the drain!
  • suki1964
    suki1964 Posts: 14,313 Forumite
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    We got married after 13 years together, 13 years ago

    Marriage came to us slowly because he had previously been married and had children. Whilst they were young there didn't see much point in going through a costly divorce when money was needed for the kids. Time they left school, enough water was under the bridge that an amicable divorce was achieved. Indeed all three of us get along the best


    We married primarily for security, nothing changed in the relationship that we already had.


    I actually think being able to divorce makes it easier in a way to dissolve a relationship. Even though a divorce can be messy, it's final. You get that piece of paper stating you are divorced, the relationship is dead. The whole process is all about dotting the i's and crossing the t's. There are guidelines, rules.

    Unlike splitting up a ltr

    I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but that's how it seems to me
  • lulu_92
    lulu_92 Posts: 2,758 Forumite
    Rampant Recycler I've been Money Tipped!
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    OH and I have been together for five years. We have 7 month old twins. We want to get married, and it is on the cards, but at the moment it isn't the priority for our relationship and life. Having twins was a shock so we need to buy a bigger house, and then OH lost his job whilst I was pregnant and found the first job he could (a temporary contract that ends in January) and when I go back to work he will be a stay at home dad (as we cannot afford 2x childcare). So as much as we'd like to be married, we cannot even spare the money for a cheap registry office do so we're going to wait and save up for the wedding we really want. We've said that we'll do it by the time I'm 30, which gives us just under six years.
    Our Rainbow Twins born 17th April 2016
    :A 02.06.2015 :A
    :A 29.12.2018 :A



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