Long Relationship + short marriage - why?

MockTurtle

If this should be on the Discussion board, them Mods, feel free to move it, but as it's about marriage, I thought this is the right place.

I recently got married. Me and the OH have been together nearly 15 years and the only reason we didn't get married before was because we never got around to it!

The other day, I was chatting to my Mom and she was telling me that her friends daughter is getting divorced. They have been married for 18 months, but have been together in total for nearly 18 years. Then we got to talking about other couples that we know, or know of, that the same thing has happened too. My school friend's fianc! backed out of their wedding two weeks before the day because she was worried the same thing would happen to them! (They're still together somehow, but his mother still won't speak to her!).

So we were talking about why this seems to happen so often. Perhaps getting married was supposed to 'fix' an already dodgy relationship? Or perhaps they thought things would somehow be better after marriage?

Thoughts?

PasturesNew

Many people just "bumble along" for years; it becomes a habit. One doesn't really want to get married, it just sort of happens .... so they do it, but then they feel differently, or their other half treats them differently afterwards (maybe over-waxing the "my husband" or "my wife" wording and pi55ing them off) ... until they snap and get the b4lls to call it quits.

ska_lover

when folks are married, it becomes more official and therefore more suffocating.

fairy_lights

I think some couples who have been together for years fall out of love/realise they never had anything in common/plain hate each other, and think that getting married will bring the spark back or bring them closer.
But of course if your relationship is dead then a marriage certificate isn't going to revive it, and once they realise that what's left to stay together for?


Edit: But it doesn't sound like that will be the case for you and your OH, you get married because you both wanted to, not because you were trying to 'fix' something.

Knightsuntold

I've seen this happen so many times. I think the whole marriage thing causes people to rethink where they are. Any doubts are put down to pre-wedding nerves, and then when those feelings don't go away after the wedding, people start to have a serious rethink. For a close friend, he described it as the prison door swinging shut and he felt trapped. He'd been with his partner for 20-odd years.

NBLondon

MockTurtle wrote: »

So we were talking about why this seems to happen so often. Perhaps getting married was supposed to 'fix' an already dodgy relationship? Or perhaps they thought things would somehow be better after marriage?

That seems likely.... if they've been happy with their previous situation - why marry? a) when children come on the scene - well that would be so in some cases but I'd be surprised if it happened after 10+ years. b) for tax purposes - maybe in a few cases. Perhaps one partner has been wanting to marry for a long time, the other didn't and when it came to the crunch - the reluctant partner couldn't make the change (for whatever reason).

divadee

Happened to me. Together for 18 years in total. Broke up just a week after our 2nd anniversary. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and sub consciously getting married to save a stale relationship was our problem. Both of us now realise it was the right thing to divorce.

zagfles

Yeah I know a few couples who this has happened to. Reading between the lines the main reason seems to be the same reason as why they left it so long. One or other of the couple wasn't completely happy in the relationship and was "settling", in the back of their mind was "he/she'll do until someone better comes along".

But no-one better comes along, so they give up and get married. Then it hits them, they're "trapped", the vain hope of finding someone better is gone.

I also know a few people who've had very long engagements, split up, met someone else and got married within a year or two! Again it's clear they were "settling" and hoping someone better would come along, and in these cases they did!

Face up and be honest about the reason why you've left it so long. If you really are both committed to your partner, and can honestly say that no-one on the planet could take you away from them, then your marriage will likely succeed.

MockTurtle

divadee wrote: »

Happened to me. Together for 18 years in total. Broke up just a week after our 2nd anniversary. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and sub consciously getting married to save a stale relationship was our problem. Both of us now realise it was the right thing to divorce.

Ouch, sounds like it was a painful realisation diva. Thanks for sharing x

MockTurtle

zagfles wrote: »

Face up and be honest about the reason why you've left it so long. If you really are both committed to your partner, and can honestly say that no-one on the planet could take you away from them, then your marriage will likely succeed.

Not sure if that paragraph was aimed specifically at me, or at long term couples in general. But for us, marriage was always on the cards, it just took us a long time to get to it! There was always something else to pay for: a new roof, a new bathroom, a new house, a new kitchen. We finally came to the conclusion that neither of us really wanted a wedding, having both done it before, we just wanted to be married. So, we stopped trying to save up for a 'big day' and just went down the registry office!

No one could ever be better for me than my OH. He's absolutely my reason for breathing. My favourite person on the planet. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

zagfles

MockTurtle wrote: »

Not sure if that paragraph was aimed specifically at me, or at long term couples in general. But for us, marriage was always on the cards, it just took us a long time to get to it! There was always something else to pay for: a new roof, a new bathroom, a new house, a new kitchen. We finally came to the conclusion that neither of us really wanted a wedding, having both done it before, we just wanted to be married. So, we stopped trying to save up for a 'big day' and just went down the registry office!

No one could ever be better for me than my OH. He's absolutely my reason for breathing. My favourite person on the planet. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Excellent - then I think you should stop worrying (I'm assuming your OH feels the same). The (IME) more usual reasons for people putting off marriage as I mentioned above don't apply to you. Hope you have a long and happy marriage and congratulations!