Advice please !!!

Aced2016

FBaby wrote: »

Then indeed, ease off contact, but please don't contemplate being a bridesmaid for her in spite of your feelings. The minimum you owe her in light of your friendship that lasted quite sometime is for her not to have as a bridesmaid someone who think she isn't a nice person. Tell her asap that you've changed your mind.

You are completely right and I intend to do very soon.

Aced2016

Acc72 wrote: »

What are you planning on doing? - there doesn't need to be some sort of event or an issuing of divorce papers (equivalent or something).


Just start to distance yourself from the friend - you might find that you miss them and will want to contact them again, or they might miss you and get into contact.


Or, neither of you will be that bothered and your friendship might just drift apart and you can still say hello if you bump into each other or something.


There are a lot of these type of threads on this board and many seem to want something to happen - such as them getting things off their chest and telling their friend how they feel or wanting the opportunity to be the one to end their friendship - I don't think that there needs to be any drama.

I intend on writing a letter or message to her. Not being nasty at all, just saying I don't think I should be bridesmaid. And that recently I have felt she doesn't even want me in her company. I will wish her all the best and hope her wedding day goes great which is true I do.

And end it there, there's not munch chance of us bumping into each other as I don't live in the same place as her.

I then intend to spend time with more like minded people now going forward.

Malthusian

Aced2016 wrote: »

I intend on writing a letter or message to her. Not being nasty at all, just saying I don't think I should be bridesmaid. And that recently I have felt she doesn't even want me in her company.

I'd leave this bit out because what happens if she comes back to you saying of course she wants you in her company. It can only result in a very upsetting and futile argument. You can't know for certain what another person truly wants or feels, so you have to base your decision on whether you want her in your company.

I then intend to spend time with more like minded people now going forward.

Good for you :-)

Tammykitty

As someone who has been on the other side of this, make sure you let the "friend" know, don't just distance yourself and stop replying to messages etc.


I had a friend, who I considered a good friend, but she suddenly decided she didn't want to be friends anymore, and just disappeared from my life, she contacted me a few years ago looking to get back in touch, but the hurt I felt was still too raw, and I wasn't prepared to go back their.


Looking back, it was me that did most of the running and put myself out for her, she rarely did anything for me, and I am much happier without her in my life.


However, in your case, your friend is getting married, so may be stressed making all the arrangements etc, so may not be herself, or there may be other issues going on in her life.


If the friend has always been like this, then yes, go ahead and unfriend her, however if its out of character for her, make sure you aren't abandoning her at a low point in her life, where she needs her friends to be understanding

Aced2016

Malthusian wrote: »

I'd leave this bit out because what happens if she comes back to you saying of course she wants you in her company. It can only result in a very upsetting and futile argument. You can't know for certain what another person truly wants or feels, so you have to base your decision on whether you want her in your company.

Good for you :-)

Good point I hadn't thought like that.

Thanks

Aced2016

a

Tammykitty wrote: »

As someone who has been on the other side of this, make sure you let the "friend" know, don't just distance yourself and stop replying to messages etc.


I had a friend, who I considered a good friend, but she suddenly decided she didn't want to be friends anymore, and just disappeared from my life, she contacted me a few years ago looking to get back in touch, but the hurt I felt was still too raw, and I wasn't prepared to go back their.


Looking back, it was me that did most of the running and put myself out for her, she rarely did anything for me, and I am much happier without her in my life.


However, in your case, your friend is getting married, so may be stressed making all the arrangements etc, so may not be herself, or there may be other issues going on in her life.


If the friend has always been like this, then yes, go ahead and unfriend her, however if its out of character for her, make sure you aren't abandoning her at a low point in her life, where she needs her friends to be understanding

Hi

no she has actually always been like this. I for some reason have just plodded along, however its my own fault you only get treated how you allow others to treat you.

I just feel recently I don't want to be that person anymore. Also my likes and interests are now totally different from when we were younger and hers are the same. Nothing at all wrong with that just I feel I have grew in a different direction.

But yes I will be honest in the nicest way as there no reason to be anything but and then cut contact.

MatthewFlowers

I think you must go with your gut feeling!

ttoli

Aced2016 wrote: »

a

Hi

no she has actually always been like this. I for some reason have just plodded along, however its my own fault you only get treated how you allow others to treat you.

I just feel recently I don't want to be that person anymore. Also my likes and interests are now totally different from when we were younger and hers are the same. Nothing at all wrong with that just I feel I have grew in a different direction.

But yes I will be honest in the nicest way as there no reason to be anything but and then cut contact.

Maybe a bit of space will let you see more clearly , A friend that I've known since 1990, was always putting on me and I , at the time was happy to go along with it making a rod for my own back, He's still carried on like a teenager etc whilst I've grown out of it, I stopped being at his beck and call ( Lending money etc ) I moved to Cyprus and asked him to put me up on my last trip back to the UK , He didn't even offer the use of the Sofa !, didn't hear a thing from him for 6 Months , then , out of the Blue he called to say that He (and the boys ! ) had booked their flight tickets, I simply said to let me know which Hotel they were staying at and that I'd meet him for a drink . Not heard a word from him since and I'm better off for it.

Pollycat

ttoli wrote: »

out of the Blue he called to say that He (and the boys ! ) had booked their flight tickets, I simply said to let me know which Hotel they were staying at and that I'd meet him for a drink . Not heard a word from him since and I'm better off for it.

Nice one! :T

OP
Do you think there's a possibility that she will turn up at your house after getting your letter to talk to you face-to-face?
Might be worth having a think how you'd deal with that if it happens.

A good friend of mine told her best friend that their friendship was over (the friend was very controlling) & she actually came to my friend's house to talk to her.
My friend wouldn't let her in, they stood on the doorstep with the friend crying but my friend was strong enough to stick to her guns.

She has a new set of friends now and is much happier.

Aced2016

Pollycat wrote: »

Nice one! :T

OP
Do you think there's a possibility that she will turn up at your house after getting your letter to talk to you face-to-face?
Might be worth having a think how you'd deal with that if it happens.

A good friend of mine told her best friend that their friendship was over (the friend was very controlling) & she actually came to my friend's house to talk to her.
My friend wouldn't let her in, they stood on the doorstep with the friend crying but my friend was strong enough to stick to her guns.

She has a new set of friends now and is much happier.

I've actually not long moved and she's not been to this house yet. She knows the area but not where abouts.

But that would be truly ackward ! It's hard work being an adult sometimes lol