Advice please !!!

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Hi guys

I am new here so hope I've posted in the right place !

Looking for people's opinions, not sure if I've gone mad or if I've finally woken up.

Been friends with my best friend now for 16 years. I am now at the point where I want to cut her out my life. I feel the friendship has always been one sided on my part. Me always making the effort to visit, buy nice cards for new house, baby and special birthdays etc. But feel there's nothing in return. What makes it worse is I'm also bridesmaid for her next year but feel even that's only because I look the part, (our other friend has a lot of visible tattoos and another has quite eccentric hair and piercings). My friend says she couldn't have that in her pictures. When I am in her company I feel she puts on an act, Infact I know she does, as I know the real her. It's all very false, so I feel I really don't need someone like this in my life.

I am by nature a total people pleaser always have been. Hate upsetting anyone or saying no. However since turning 30 I've really decided a lot of people abuse my good nature. It seems to be most people I am surrounded by just take take take, but offer nothing in return.

So long winded post sorry, just don't want to regret my decision down the line!

I must add I can talk to people easily so not scared to make new friends. I just want to meet people who are positive, good company and a good friend is this possible lol

TIA
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Comments

  • gettingtheresometime
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    I'm not sure why you posted (sorry if that sounds harsh!) as you seem to have made up your mind you longer wish to be friends with her.

    What aspects of your decision are you unsure pf?
  • Aced2016
    Aced2016 Posts: 293 Forumite
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    I'm just scared to be honest. I think you are right I have made my mind up, just feel I don't want to end up with no friends. Or perhaps regret things down the line.

    And like I say I don't know if I'm expecting too much from what I think a friend should be like.
  • tealady
    tealady Posts: 3,753 Forumite
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    IMO a good friendship is give and take where each gives 51% and takes 49%. By this I mean that life is so much better with that person in your life.
    If you are not happy with your friendship then you need to fill your life with other stuff, do things you enjoy.
    I met my best friend when we were both involved in the same organization, we have some things in common and disagree on others. However my friend is not a user, nor am I
    To me all friends are different, the only thing they have in common is that time spent in their company makes me happy and valued.
    HTH
    Find out who you are and do that on purpose (thanks to Owain Wyn Jones quoting Dolly Parton)
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    So you accusing her of using you for convenience but then say that you are scared of ending up without friends so maybe remain friends with her all this time for that reason?

    I have many friends and they come in all shape and form. The friend who I trust the most, who I know would do anything for me if something happened is the one who is less likely to make the effort to get in contact with me. We've been friends for 16 years so I don't mind. On the opposite, I have good friends who are the one who almost always organise everything.

    There are very different level of friendships, some you get along great but don't trust as much. Some who are always like family, but you don't share as much with. You have to adapt to the different types and make the best of each.

    In this case, do you need to cut her off completely? Being friends with her doesn't have to stop you making new friends. You can decide to make less of an effort, but I don't think you decision to cut her off totally when you have agreed to be her bridsmaid is very honourable. Even if it is all for the pictures, it is likely she doesn't realise how poorly you think of her and if she did, she might prefer to have her tattooed friend by her side after all, so maybe you might want to make it clear to her that you want to cut all ties and therefore won't be her bridesmaid after all. The earlier the better.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,760 Forumite
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    Aced2016 wrote: »
    What makes it worse is I'm also bridesmaid for her next year but feel even that's only because I look the part, (our other friend has a lot of visible tattoos and another has quite eccentric hair and piercings). My friend says she couldn't have that in her pictures.
    Ouch!
    Not a nice thing for her to say about her 'friends'.

    As you say that you can chat to people easily, why not start making new friends right now?
    You may find that you have less time for this person and she eventually fades into the background.
    It sounds to me that you don't really like her anyway.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,104 Community Admin
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    Just stop making so much effort. Simple really. If she is truly a friend she will stick by you. If not she will wander off in her own direction.
  • Ilona
    Ilona Posts: 2,449 Forumite
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    Get yourself a tattoo right on the spot where it will show on the photo's. :D She can't be your best friend if you don't like her very much, that means you are putting on an act, and you are as false as she is. Just stop contacting her, move on, find some new friends.
    ilona
    I love skip diving.
    :D
  • Smartsaver7
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    Been there, but now if the friend becomes toxic I cut out of my life, usually have only known them a year or so. Some I have told the reason, these have usually been women who I have dated, then tried to remain friends with, but have become judgemental and controlling or stalkerish, I don't need that in my life.
    Have you a mutual friend who could speak to her, drop a few hints?? , as for the wedding difficult call, think refusing to go would probably end friendship.
  • rach_k
    rach_k Posts: 2,236 Forumite
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    Perhaps just back off a bit! I've seen a couple of threads on MSE recently about 'best friends' but I think I agree with my kids' school that we can all have great friends but we don't need to label them best (or not!). It seems a bit childish to me. Maybe just forget the 'best' and see her however much you want to see her. It might be that you're just spending too much time together - I find that for each person I know there is a certain amount of time I can spend with them but anything more than that and I start noticing faults, annoying quirks etc. There's really no need to go all 'best friend or not at all', just tone it down a bit and see if that helps.
  • Malthusian
    Malthusian Posts: 10,980 Forumite
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    What makes it worse is I'm also bridesmaid for her next year but feel even that's only because I look the part, (our other friend has a lot of visible tattoos and another has quite eccentric hair and piercings). My friend says she couldn't have that in her pictures.

    Strange reason not to use someone as a bridesmaid. The piercings can be taken out and I thought bridesmaids usually got their hair done specially before the wedding. Are they facial tattoos? - those can usually be covered up by the dress. Anyway, if your friend chooses to reject two perfectly good options as bridesmaids that doesn't create an obligation on you.

    If someone doesn't buy you birthday cards I'm not sure I would consider them a best friend in the first place. It's not compulsory to mark someone as your "best friend", I haven't had one since I left school. I don't see a need for a drama here - you don't have to serve people with court papers to stop being their best friend. Just tell her you don't want to be her bridesmaid if you don't want to ("too busy" is the standard face-saver). Don't buy her cards or suggest visits if you don't feel like it.
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