Advice please !!!

helcat26

Cannot you just crank it back a bit, say no a few times, stop sending cards, do not go round, rather than cutting the whole thing off?
If she asks why say- busy, thought you were not bothered about cards, come around here......


try to change the dynamic

DigForVictory

Whether you sever all ties, dial it back or just cool off for a while, at the very least let her know that you are reconsidering the bridesmaid issue so she has time to revise her plans.

How much honesty you wish to use is entirely your wicket, but I'm told assertiveness requires honesty. Me, I'm more inventive than assertive & would apologise but appear to be having unexpected dizzy spells & are concerned that you might inadvertently spoil her special day. Or perhaps more simply that you fear your health may let her down at short notice & again, Do Not Wish To Spoil....

Do let her know, (I'd send her a card), clearly & soon.

maman

It sounds to an extent that you and she have grown apart in the 16 years you've known each other. I'm making a few assumptions here but it sounds as if you might be single while she has a partner and child(ren). So you have different calls on your time and, to an extent, perhaps different interests.


I agree with the poster that said having a 'best' friend (or worse still a bestie) is a bit childish. As we go through life we make friends in all sorts of different places and the relationships with them will be different rather than on an implied best to worst (?) scale.


I'd do what was suggested earlier and go ahead and make other friends then you won't be so disappointed when your 'best' friend doesn't contact you as often or make enough fuss of you or whatever. That's assuming you could just cool off a bit rather than end your friendship completely which seems rather drastic and unnecessary to me.


You could still be the bridesmaid if you really want to but if it's upsetting you because you now se her as false, superficial and uncaring then you need to tell her so she can make other arrangements. .

Aced2016

Thanks for your reply ! I'm actually married with children. She only has one child to a previous relationship.

I've taken onboard a lot of the suggestions here and feel there's been some good points to take on board.

I just feel I don't find her a very nice person to be around and that's just not what I want anymore.

Primrose

I think tealady is right that you don't want a user as a friend but there is usually a little (and sometimes a lot) of give and take in all friendships if they last a long time. It sounds as if you have always been the giver here. It wouldn't really be honourable to pull out of being bridesmaid but if you feel that strongly about it you should pluck up your courage now to tell her how you feel. Just be strong and don,t get sucked into expensive Hen Party trips etc you can't afford etc or don't want to organise. Be up front with her early about this. Tell her now you don't like them, don't agree with them and would prefer not to be involved so if she would rather find another bridesmaid you will understand and withdraw.

And then gradually ease off contact with her and don't jump to immediate attention every time she gets in contact. Keep your landline on answerphone perhaps and let her think you're busy elsewhere.

pinkshoes

There's not a lot to "do" here.

Just stop sending cards etc... and take a back seat in the friendship. See what happens.

Focus on doing something else for a while, and if she asks why you haven't been in contact, you can be truthful and say you have been really busy with your new hobby of sky diving or whatever.

Aced2016

Primrose wrote: »

I think tealady is right that you don't want a user as a friend but there is usually a little (and sometimes a lot) of give and take in all friendships if they last a long time. It sounds as if you have always been the giver here. It wouldn't really be honourable to pull out of being bridesmaid but if you feel that strongly about it you should pluck up your courage now to tell her how you feel. Just be strong and don,t get sucked into expensive Hen Party trips etc you can't afford etc or don't want to organise. Be up front with her early about this. Tell her now you don't like them, don't agree with them and would prefer not to be involved so if she would rather find another bridesmaid you will understand and withdraw.

And then gradually ease off contact with her and don't jump to immediate attention every time she gets in contact. Keep your landline on answerphone perhaps and let her think you're busy elsewhere.

Thank you i think you are right. i will be honest sooner rather than later, so as not to dampen her day down the line.

Aced2016

Thank you to everyone who replied, lots of good advice and points made, which i will take on board.

FBaby

I just feel I don't find her a very nice person to be around and that's just not what I want anymore.

Then indeed, ease off contact, but please don't contemplate being a bridesmaid for her in spite of your feelings. The minimum you owe her in light of your friendship that lasted quite sometime is for her not to have as a bridesmaid someone who think she isn't a nice person. Tell her asap that you've changed your mind.

Acc72

What are you planning on doing? - there doesn't need to be some sort of event or an issuing of divorce papers (equivalent or something).


Just start to distance yourself from the friend - you might find that you miss them and will want to contact them again, or they might miss you and get into contact.


Or, neither of you will be that bothered and your friendship might just drift apart and you can still say hello if you bump into each other or something.


There are a lot of these type of threads on this board and many seem to want something to happen - such as them getting things off their chest and telling their friend how they feel or wanting the opportunity to be the one to end their friendship - I don't think that there needs to be any drama.