Sudden personality change

Anon12321

Thanks for all replies so far.

Whilst I appreciate comments that having a clingy partner would be irritating, please be aware that all couples are different - what we both loved about the relationship was that we both felt as clingy towards each other. I should add that there has been a history of mental health issues.

The catalyst seemed to be me having to stay away for a week with work. She wanted to do something productive rather than mope around all day (which is what normally happened) and so started to learn a language. She would get home from work and start studying - it seems that she has just gotten so involved in this that it's taken over her life.

For those that have asked, married for two years, both in our mid twenties, no major birthdays/new friends/deaths etc.

Studying is at home - no she's not on a French dating site. She never tries to hide what she's doing or what site she's on.

As to when she goes out - mostly it's still together. The only time she really goes out by herself is to the gym or to a friends house (I'll usually drive her there as she'll be drinking, friend is going through personal issues so wants some 'girl time' - it would be inappropriate for me to join).

Whilst I accept that her behaviour now is more 'normal', what worries me is the rapid change coupled with a history of mental health issues.

Person_one

kinelle wrote: »

They're obsessed with people having an affair on this board.

Amazing that you've come to that conclusion so quickly, having only joined the forum earlier today.

What's the point, really? Seeing as you clearly cannot/will not stay away then why not stick with one ID and stay within the rules a bit more so you don't have to keep coming back with new ones?

squeekycheeks

Person_one wrote: »

Amazing that you've come to that conclusion so quickly, having only joined the forum earlier today.

What's the point, really? Seeing as you clearly cannot/will not stay away then why not stick with one ID and stay within the rules a bit more so you don't have to keep coming back with new ones?

Yes , I agree totally . Absolutely pointless . It's just pathetic ....

Kynthia

What mental health problem do you believe would cause your wife to want you to be less clingy, to make her more independent, want to go on holiday with friends, and drink while socialising more often? From what you say she's still mostly spending tine with you and isn't doing anything irresponsible or reckless so it doesn't sound like anything bad.

Usually a change in a short space of time could be an affair or some other big change to affect someone's view of life. You say these aren't the case. So it seems having had enforced time away from you she has built up other friendships and become less reliant on you. It's reminded her of how she used to be, that she can have fun both with and without you, and that she needs more than just you as a support/social network. This sounds healthy and it's something I'd encourage you to do too. If you are still having fun together aswell then hopefully it's a good thing, and trying to hold her back or make her feel bad about it will only have a bad effect on your relationship.

FBaby

Well maybe something happened when you were away and she vowed to start becoming more confident and independent. Maybe learning a language has made her realise that she is capable of things and maybe she thinks it could help her in a career.

In the end, if it isn't to do with the excitement of having met someone new, which you seem confident isn't the case, that change is only a good thing?

paddy's_mum

Anon12321 wrote: »

The catalyst seemed to be me having to stay away for a week with work

Is resentment at the bottom of this change of attitude?

The withdrawal of even the most ordinary physical contact and rebuffing of kindly overtures can often indicate a desire to retaliate/seek revenge even if only for an 'imagined' wrong such as you going away (and getting up to heaven knows what perhaps, in her mind!)

DrivingMissDaisy

Anon12321 wrote: »

Hi all

I'm writing about my wife, who's personality has changed rather drastically in the past couple of weeks.
She has attachment issues and always used to be "clingy" - however I am the same (although not to the same extent) so this was, if anything, a good thing.

In the past few weeks she has changed completely - she is acting distant, no longer feels the need to be near me, has even planned a holiday abroad with a friend without me (in the beginning of our relationship, this would have been unheard of). I can't put my arm around her or even hold her hand (I'm being too 'clingy', apparently). She has also started going out drinking etc which again is unheard of (although she used to be a party animal in her teenage years, neither of us drink really anymore and, in fact, in the 6 years we've been together I've never known her to be even tipsy).

We are spending far less time together (her decision, not mine - I'm regularly asking to). Although her behaviour is not abnormal (how many couples actually spend all of their spare time together? I appreciate it's rare), what worries me is that I don't think it's normal for someone's personality to change this much, this quickly.

Although she accepts that she has changed, she is adamant that all people change and this is, in fact, normal.

Any comments/advice would be much appreciated.

No longer wants to be touched/hugged ?
Going on holiday with friends is fine, but books without atleast having a conversation ?

Something doesn't add up. Do you have kids ?

PeacefulWaters

I suspect the OP is going to spend weeks in denial.

I'd certainly be checking phones and emails.

TBagpuss

OP, we're not qualified here to judge whether there may be any mental health issues involved - and whether or not that is likely to be a factor would no dpubth depend a great deal on what type of issues she has experienced in the past;which might also affect whether the change is a positive one for her health (as might be the case if, for instance, she is improving after very long term depression) or negative.

It sounds from what you say as though she accepts that she has changed and is fairly open abput it - that beng the case, a good starting pointmightbe to talk to her about it - not in a way which suggests "this is strange there must be something wrong" but more as "this change is really noticeable - you are so much more independent and outgoing, can you explain what changed? Do you think i could make a simialr change?"

i wonder whether you havign to be away forced her out of her comfort zone and that she found it was less terrifying/overwhelming that she expected (which may in turn be that being with you has helped her to gain conidence and stability)

I think that talking about it is the first step - including talking about your feelings - not to blame her,bu to express if you are feeling anxious / isolated etc.

Ask her what she would like, and how she feels about your relationship - for example, whether she feels content / happy or whether she has started to feel diferently.

Hopefully, that would be the first step towards better communication and it may be that the two of you can rech a new 'normal' which works for you both (possibly you could explore the possibility of taking up an independent hobby, too?)

It is of course also possible that she has met somone else , and is either contemplating a new relationsip or possibly has simply found a new friendship where she is encoraged and challenged to try new things - is it possible that as you both tend to be 'clingy' that you have in the past discouraged her / fed her ears rather than encouraging her to try new things or to be more independent?

If you think that the change is as a result of any medical issue then speak to herGP. They won't, without her permission, be able to discuss her health with you but if you raise the issue they can discuss with her, if appropriate. But even if it is linked to her mental health issues it may be positive not negative.

amistupid

I hate unhappy endings and hope that this is only a temporary glitch.