Getting over the feeling that you'll never live at home again

Notnow

Having recently moved into my new place I find it quite hard to deal with the fact that I'm no longer living in the family home that I spent so many years in.

I don't feel sad and I'm not crying about it each day as I've read some people are but it gives me a very odd feeling. I still go back to my family to pick up food because the shop I have deliveries from doesn't deliver to where I live. It's not like I can't go back and I may well stay there over Christmas for a few days so I haven't lost all contact with it. I just feel so strange knowing that I don't live there anymore. I find in the morning it's worse and I wake up with a feeling of almost panic that I'm in this strange new home that isn't home.

I know it takes a while to settle in but that's not what I'm asking about here. I wasn't pampered living at home and I paid my own way, did my own cooking etc. so it's not like I'm missing being waited on because I wasn't.

The home I spent a long time in wasn't even the one I grew up in. I moved out of there when I was 14 and had no problem settling into the new home after a few days but I was too young to really know what was going on then I suppose.

I'm just wondering how you coped with not living at home anymore?

Rain_Shadow

I was brought up in Somerset and then spent three years at university in the Midlands before moving to Manchester to work.


So, by the time I had left home properly I'd already been away for long periods. I have to say I never wanted to go back to the family home to live, although more than happy to visit.

silvercar

Could it be the attitude of the family you have left in the nest? I still refer to my eldest's room as his room etc even though he moved out 2 years ago (and spent years away at uni before that).

Any reason why you can't stay over at home occasionally?

My son often comes home for the weekend, why not spend a weekend or two at home.

AylesburyDuck

Never even gave it a second thought really, i moved 250 miles away from home after getting married at 18.
Home was still home (i had a great one) and that never changed at all, but my life moved on and a second home was made.
I found some adjustment to new surroundings was needed and as with anywhere new that took a few months to find my feet.

elsien

Years at boarding school then university where I kept the flat on all year round rather than going back to the family in the holidays. Moving country (army brat). Plus never living in any one house for more than a couple of years when I was a child. Not an issue.

I can remember parent saying to me once after they moved when I was a teenager "this will always be your home" and me thinking no it won't because it's a house I've never lived in. I appreciated the sentiment, and that home is where family is, but to me it just didn't feel like that.

Notnow

silvercar wrote: »

Any reason why you can't stay over at home occasionally?

I wouldn't really want to stay over, that's the thing. When I go back there I don't get a feeling of returning home or being really happy that I'm back. It's not that I want to go back or even stay over, It just feels odd because I spent so many years always going back to that same home and I suppose it's the routine that's hard to break.

I did the same things at the same time and I was starting to get quite bored of it. Now that I've moved I don't miss those old routines but it's just odd that I'm not doing them anymore.

I only moved down the road and I go past my old place several times a day as I do a lot of driving for work. In a way I feel like I haven't even left even though I'm not there anymore!

ripplyuk

I left at 18, and was looking forward to it for years. The first place I moved to was a cold, miserable dump but it would never have occurred to me to go back to my parents house.

OP, do you actually like your new place? Did you want to move out? Have you got friends/hobbies nearby?

If you've only recently moved, it's probably just going to take a bit of time. It's a big change after all.

TBagpuss

I think it's not unusual - buying your own home is a big step and there are lots of things which take a bit of adjustment, and it does take time to settle in and to start to feel that the new house is your home, especially ifthis is the first time that you've lived away from your family.

Some of it may be a comfort thing - buying a house, and owning a house and being responsible for it are big, scary things. Living with family , even when you are pulling your weight and not being 'looked after' is not - as ultimately the big things are someone elese's responsibility.

I think one way of coping is to recongnise that it takes time to settle in - don't panic about the fact the new house doesn't feel like home just yet.
You may find that t starts tofeel more like home as you start to personalise it, and you might consider whether you want to ask your parents about moving things from their house to yours - I know when I bought my first house I had a few things (bed and desk from my bedroom at home, for instance) which meant that it felt more familiar from day one. (And meant less furniture to buy!)

Also, it might help to resist popping back 'home' too often - invite your family to come round for a meal at yours rather than picking food up from 'home'; staret to build a hom in your new house rather than thinking of the old place as home and the new house as somewhere you sleep.

I don't think the feeling completely goes away. My parents' house still feels like home to me in a lot of ways, even though I never actually lived there as they moved house when they retired, well after I left home. But my own house also feels like home.

I found that taking posession of the houses I've had, in practical ways (redecorating, putting pictures up, etc) helps turn it from 'the house' to 'my place', and hosting family and friends is good too, as you start to build up memories of good times in your house.

I think that if your family live close this can be harder, as it may feel easier to slip into the habit of going 'home', rather than encouraging people to visit you: maybe invite your parents / family for a housewarming party where you can cook them a meal and show off the house?

My first house was 4 hours away from my family home but the second one I had was fiarly close, and I had had to move back in with my parents for a while in between while I sold the old house. It did take me longer to settle in the second house, and I think part of it was becuase it was so easy to go 'home' for a meal, and when other family members visited it was easier for them to stay at home than with me. I did make an efort to invite my paretns , and other relatives, for meals and such and it did make a difference.

Pixie5740

Notnow wrote: »

I'm just wondering how you coped with not living at home anymore?

I couldn't wait to get out the family home. I love my parents but they are prudes so my sex life improved dramatically when I got my own space.

cloo

I agree with TBagpuss - get people over, enjoy being a host and sharing your home with people, and that will help it feel more like yours.


Moving home is a funny thing... about 10 years ago my parents moved out of my childhood home, where they'd been for 25 years, and I wondered if I would feel sad about it. But actually, their new home just feels like the same place that I grew up in.

AdrianC

Notnow wrote: »

I'm just wondering how you coped with not living at home anymore?

But you do still live at home.

It's just that you aren't sharing your parents' home now. You're living in YOUR home.

And, yes, I do mean "home", not just house.

I still go back to my family to pick up food because the shop I have deliveries from doesn't deliver to where I live.

OK, that's a bit... weird. There are other shops, y'know. You could even go TO the shop instead of have them deliver...