Advice please... Very pushy woman at the Church my wife goes to. (Very long post.)

Gloomendoom

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I'm glad to be an atheist and live in a busy city where I can say "thanks but no thanks" without all sorts of dire social consequences.

I can't really see why being an atheist is relevant. The OP's other half could have had exactly the same problems if she'd been attending an atheist discussion group or the village egg pickling society.

I live in a small village and attend church. I have been invited to join in various church or village related groups and activities. Some invitations I accept, and some I refuse. When I refuse, I make it absolutely clear that I am doing so. As far as I am aware, there have been no dire social consequences.

suki1964

Peter333 wrote: »

Hi SDW I understand that, and I understand that people sometimes have lots to deal with and cannot deal with other things (this is my wife's issue right now) And this is absolutely fine of course.

Perhaps I should have been more clear. This man has not just suddenly got busy doing other things, he is not even a believer, and he has no interest in God or Jesus Christ, he was pretending he was interested to try and 'fit in.'

As I said earlier, he decided to get involved in the Church to try and 'fit in' in the village, and then realised after a while that he didn't need to do this, and that most people in the village, including his direct neighbours, didn't go to Church, so he just stopped. Leaving his wife rather embarrassed.

He had blabbed this to several people at the pub, and let it slip that he wasn't really interested in the Church, and that it was best to just 'rip the band aid off.' (In other words, just quit 100% and never go back.)

Personally I think that was pretty bad, faking an interest in a faith to just try and fit in; a bit like people pretending to be interested in Christianity, to get their kids in the school.

Thanks once again to all the people who have responded, and the last lot of replies since I logged in last night have been very helpful.

You have all helped so much. As I said, my wife is going to have a word with the woman later on.

I have to be honest here and say, if we didn't have such a great local pub, I too would have ended up at a church even though I'm a non believer

End of the day, if you want to meet and befriend people , you go to where they go. Most here are church goers, some are pub goers, some do both. I stick to the pub and just do the church and chapel for funerals

duchy

It sounds like you are trying to conform as incommers just as much as your man in the pub is. Really most people aren't that invested what others do , if they don't want to attend services or Mondays basket weaving class and are clear they don't then that's the end of it. It's people like man in the pub and your wife who feel they have to lie to meet some kind of social obligation who muddy the waters.

TBagpuss

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I'm glad to be an atheist and live in a busy city where I can say "thanks but no thanks" without all sorts of dire social consequences.

I live in a small rural village and can say that with no dire (or even mild) social consequences.

CRANKY40

Rather than phoning the organising lady, your wife could drop her another note. She could thank her for her concern and say as she's not stressed just very busy and thank you for her kind offer but due to being busy she won't commit to attending any groups even on an "if you can make it" basis any time in the future.

I appreciate that some people find other people hard to deal with. I have a mum from my son's school who I don't particularly like (I find conversation with her hard) but she keeps asking me to go for coffee. My son has another 4 years of school with her son (he doesn't like the son either) so like the lady who still wants to go to church I don't want to rock the boat too much. If pressed I usually list a few of the things I have to do in the following 2 weeks, like decorating, helping another friend who is poorly (all genuine, I never lie to her). "No thanks, sorry, I'm busy just now" will never be enough for some people.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I can't really see why being an atheist is relevant. The OP's other half could have had exactly the same problems if she'd been attending an atheist discussion group or the village egg pickling society.

I live in a small village and attend church. I have been invited to join in various church or village related groups and activities. Some invitations I accept, and some I refuse. When I refuse, I make it absolutely clear that I am doing so. As far as I am aware, there have been no dire social consequences.

I disagree here; if people drop out of a hobby group, it's generally assumed it's because they're busy or have lost interest in that particular topic. Leaving a religious group is different due to a) the "losing faith" aspect and b) the duty of most religions to actively recruit and convert. Obviously there are varying levels of extremism for this, but I would expect someone reducing their commitment to a religious group to have to "justify" it more than someone who decided they'd really had enough of pickled eggs/model trains/flower arranging.

AylesburyDuck

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I disagree here; if people drop out of a hobby group, it's generally assumed it's because they're busy or have lost interest in that particular topic. Leaving a religious group is different due to a) the "losing faith" aspect and b) the duty of most religions to actively recruit and convert. Obviously there are varying levels of extremism for this, but I would expect someone reducing their commitment to a religious group to have to "justify" it more than someone who decided they'd really had enough of pickled eggs/model trains/flower arranging.

Agreed,
And even worse in a clostrophobic village atmosphere where the line "i'm just not that into you" may go down like a fart in a spacesuit and the person turned into a social outcast.:( Because thats normally the way from what i've seen in the past.
Hopefully the more time she can bleed for herself away from the group with excusing herself the easier the transition will go, it may even give the time/opportunity for a real reason to appear to solve the problem.
I feel for her i truely do.

System

Surely she only needs to say that she's sorry she is going to have to withdraw from the group as she isn't able to give it the time and commitment that is required.

Nicki

She could say to pushy woman that she's thought and prayed about her decision for some time but at the moment the group isn't meeting her spiritual needs. That she will still be attending church but feels the need to address her other bible study needs in personal study for the foreseeable future?

Newly_retired

I live in a small town so I know it is not the same, but if I try a group and don't like it, I don't go again. If it is ok, I go occasionally, when the programme /speaker suits me. No need to explain or make excuses.
If it is a short series, I might persevere, even if there are people I don't feel comfortable with, as it is not for ever. If I enjoy it, I join, and am glad to have found a niche.
Churches are glad to welcome newcomers, and want to encourage them to continue. I can understand the leader persevering, and am sorry your wife finds this pushy. Your wife has not handled it well so far. If the problem is actually with the attitudes of some people in the group, then it is worth saying so, as they ought to be concerned if they are putting someone off.