Advice please... Very pushy woman at the Church my wife goes to. (Very long post.)

AylesburyDuck

Cant your wife just do exactly as stated and only come when she can?
The other woman doesnt know that "when she can" will translate as never and the longer she doesnt go the less the other women will have her in mind and "try to fix her".
As for coffee and a chat, maybe a polite return of phone call and a "i'm sorry, i cant, i have plans and am busy AT THE MOMENT " the woman doesnt need the ins and out of a gnats bum, but if pressed could lead with general stuff like family plans,decorating,waiting in for a delivery, giving the poodle a perm!
I get the impression (and this isnt an insult) that you both are over thinking the situation in the first instance, village life from what i have seen of it can be clostrophobic, and my god some people can have a beak a mile long (maybe this woman does), it's easy for people to end up in each others pockets.
Time and distance. Out of sight out of mind,
The more time she spends away the more distance she'll have, the less minds the women will have on her, it's probably the less stressful way to ease yourself out of (and im reading between lines here) busybody, suck the life out of you prying, bored housewife, village life.
Less said soonest mended, because god forbid they turn her into some form of a pet project to fix.:eek:

seven-day-weekend

Peter333 wrote: »

......

Then out of the blue, after about a year, HE stopped coming. Just stopped. The regulars that have been going for years, kept asking what was wrong and when he is coming back. The woman was just red faced and looked awkward, and said 'he is just struggling at the moment... Life has been stressful and he is just wanting some time out.'

Half a year later, he still doesn't go.

Upshot is, he was never a believer at all, and didnt give a stuff about Jesus. r......

Sorry to truncate your post, but I must comment on this.

I have been in that man's position. I have been very active in church, welcoming, giving out leaflets, preparing communion etc.

Then I stopped going, for about a year. It genuinely wasn't 'because I didn't give a stuff'. It WAS because I was struggling (with life, not with my faith). Our church is very big and very busy, and I wasn't able to handle that at that point in my life. And it IS awkward for the remaining partner to explain the other's absence without breaking their confidence.


Just so you know, it may not be that someone does not care, just that they are dealing with 'stuff'.

Peter333

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Sorry to truncate your post, but I must comment on this.

I have been in that man's position. I have been very active in church, welcoming, giving out leaflets etc.

Then I stopped going, for about a year. It genuinely wasn't 'because I didn't give a stuff'. It WAS because I was struggling (with life, not with my faith). Our church is very big and very busy, and I wasn't able to handle that at that point in my life. And it IS awkward for the remaining partner to explain the other's absence without breaking their confidence.

Just so you know, it may not be that someone does not care, just that they are dealing with 'stuff'.

Hi SDW I understand that, and I understand that people sometimes have lots to deal with and cannot deal with other things (this is my wife's issue right now) And this is absolutely fine of course.

Perhaps I should have been more clear. This man has not just suddenly got busy doing other things, he is not even a believer, and he has no interest in God or Jesus Christ, he was pretending he was interested to try and 'fit in.'

As I said earlier, he decided to get involved in the Church to try and 'fit in' in the village, and then realised after a while that he didn't need to do this, and that most people in the village, including his direct neighbours, didn't go to Church, so he just stopped. Leaving his wife rather embarrassed.

He had blabbed this to several people at the pub, and let it slip that he wasn't really interested in the Church, and that it was best to just 'rip the band aid off.' (In other words, just quit 100% and never go back.)

Personally I think that was pretty bad, faking an interest in a faith to just try and fit in; a bit like people pretending to be interested in Christianity, to get their kids in the school.

Thanks once again to all the people who have responded, and the last lot of replies since I logged in last night have been very helpful.

You have all helped so much. As I said, my wife is going to have a word with the woman later on.

Potternerd

I have a lot of sympathy with Mr and Mrs Peter. If you are someone who doesn't want confrontation and isn't assertive, this kind of constant finding solutions can seem very intrusive and overwhelming.
I don't think the "pushy woman" is being deliberately horrible, but if Mrs P is anything like me this kind of behaviour can drive you crazy. I would just ignore phone calls

seven-day-weekend

Potternerd wrote: »

I have a lot of sympathy with Mr and Mrs Peter. If you are someone who doesn't want confrontation and isn't assertive, this kind of constant finding solutions can seem very intrusive and overwhelming.
I don't think the "pushy woman" is being deliberately horrible, but if Mrs P is anything like me this kind of behaviour can drive you crazy. I would just ignore phone calls

I do know what you are saying, but in the end, just saying, 'I am only going to come to church, nothing else,' is easier because the people will STOP trying to 'fix it' and then it won't be intrusive.

They won't give up if you just make excuses or ignore them, they will think you still need help and encouragement.

When I stopped going for a year (mentioned above), I told the pastor why. No-one else needed to know, but he did. Then I was able to just get on with the things I had to deal with without feeling under pressure all the time.

Peter333

Potternerd wrote: »

I have a lot of sympathy with Mr and Mrs Peter. If you are someone who doesn't want confrontation and isn't assertive, this kind of constant finding solutions can seem very intrusive and overwhelming.
I don't think the "pushy woman" is being deliberately horrible, but if Mrs P is anything like me this kind of behaviour can drive you crazy. I would just ignore phone calls

Thanks so much Potternerd! Glad you understand. And no it isn't easy for everyone to be straight and assertive and not give a dash what people think of them! Some people can do it, some people can't. It is a shame that this woman didn't take the hint. But as some people have said, some people just need to be told directly. It is hard though.

And as I said, my wife was tempted to just not return any messages, but she feels she has no choice, as the woman has left the ball in her court by saying 'ring me.'

But perhaps people are right, that her letter was slightly ambiguous. As I said though, whatever she had said, the result would have been the same; this woman ringing and questioning it, showing 'concern,' and wanting my wife to explain herself further.

No offence intended towards anyone, but this can be an issue sometimes with Church Groups; once you join, it's not easy to leave, as they don't like to lose people, and will often do their best to get people to not leave.

Some see this as being concerned and friendly, others may see this as intrusive pestering.

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Cant your wife just do exactly as stated and only come when she can?
The other woman doesnt know that "when she can" will translate as never and the longer she doesnt go the less the other women will have her in mind and "try to fix her".
As for coffee and a chat, maybe a polite return of phone call and a "i'm sorry, i cant, i have plans and am busy AT THE MOMENT " the woman doesnt need the ins and out of a gnats bum, but if pressed could lead with general stuff like family plans,decorating,waiting in for a delivery, giving the poodle a perm!
I get the impression (and this isnt an insult) that you both are over thinking the situation in the first instance, village life from what i have seen of it can be clostrophobic, and my god some people can have a beak a mile long (maybe this woman does), it's easy for people to end up in each others pockets.
Time and distance. Out of sight out of mind,
The more time she spends away the more distance she'll have, the less minds the women will have on her, it's probably the less stressful way to ease yourself out of (and im reading between lines here) busybody, suck the life out of you prying, bored housewife, village life.
Less said soonest mended, because god forbid they turn her into some form of a pet project to fix.:eek:

:T Thank you.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I do know what you are saying, but in the end, just saying, 'I am only going to come to church, nothing else,' is easier because the people will STOP trying to 'fix it' and then it won't be intrusive.

They won't give up if you just make excuses or ignore them, they will think you still need help and encouragement.

When I stopped going for a year (mentioned above), I told the pastor why. No-one else needed to know, but he did. Then I was able to just get on with the things I had to deal with without feeling under pressure all the time.

Thanks SDW.

Person_one

If it makes you feel any better, if the church woman had posted here about how there was a woman she was worried about because she seemed stressed and was too busy for all the church groups and rebuffed all her offers, we'd probably be gently telling her to back off and take the hint that the woman just didn't want to be involved.

The advice given is one sided by necessity because only the person on one side of the issue is on MSE to receive it!

Peter333

Person_one wrote: »

If it makes you feel any better, if the church woman had posted here about how there was a woman she was worried about because she seemed stressed and was too busy for all the church groups and rebuffed all her offers, we'd probably be gently telling her to back off and take the hint that the woman just didn't want to be involved.

The advice given is one sided by necessity because only the person on one side of the issue is on MSE to receive it!

LOL, you are probably right!

Thanks again everyone. Have to fly now, I have a dental appointment at 11. (groan...)

Catch you all later.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I'm glad to be an atheist and live in a busy city where I can say "thanks but no thanks" without all sorts of dire social consequences.

seven-day-weekend

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I'm glad to be an atheist and live in a busy city where I can say "thanks but no thanks" without all sorts of dire social consequences.

The problem is, she did NOT say thanks but no thanks. If she had, there probably would not have been a problem!