Advice please... Very pushy woman at the Church my wife goes to. (Very long post.)

Peter333

Back later. Off for dinner now!

Thanks again everyone. See ya later.

TeamPlum

Coild she ask for divine intervention?

WestonDave

I'm afraid she's (your wife) has dug herself a bit of a hole here. The group leader might be a bit pushy, but will be expected by the church to use the group as a means of getting people involved - particularly those that are sort of on the fringe - those that only come every other week etc. She would be expected to show concern if people look like drifting away or seem to be struggling in life, so whilst her specific approach might well come across as being pushy she's not really doing much wrong.


However instead of being honest and saying that one or two people in the group seem to be making her feel belittled etc by going on about their great lives, and that as a result she's come to dislike attending, she's made some excuse about being busy etc. So not only is the leader now triggered to try to resolve that to avoid her further drifting away from the church, but also doesn't know that there is a perceived problem in the group that if perhaps clamped down on a bit might make it more welcoming to others that are equally just tolerating it.


Probably the face saving way out of this is to have a brief chat with the leader next time she sees her in church, and confirm that at present she is very busy and just wants to confine her church activity to Sunday mornings, that she is generally fine in life and not struggling along in some kind of crisis, but point out that the group had become quite a low priority in her life because she felt that the approach some in the group took to life (overt materialism etc) was at odds with her own and was making her feel uncomfortable. She could then say that when time permits she may return to see whether she felt differently but that if things hadn't changed then it would remain something that she didn't feel she particularly wanted to choose to use her time for.

Person_one

Peter333 wrote: »

:rotfl::T

Very funny!

All I wanna know really, (despite all the whingeing from me and the varying advice from others) is what should my wife do?

My advice to your wife.

Ring her, say thanks for the offer of a chat and for her concern which you appreciate. Tell her everything is fine, nothing to worry about but you haven't been enjoying the group quite as much as you hoped you would anyway so will probably not be back even when things are less busy. Then say you will see her in Church next time you're there and have a lovely day. Goodbye.

Happy_One

Sorry but I think this is a big mountain being built out of a little molehill Perhaps I'm a much older and more assertive person than your wife Peter but I would have just said 'thanks but no thanks' just not interested in attending the meeting as it's not my sort of thing and no thank you but I'm not able to come for coffee One doesn't have to be rude but neither do we always have to fit in with other people's plans for us.

iammumtoone

What others have pointed out that this is a church group is a very valid point. A church group will be and should be (if there is concern about a members well being) more difficult to leave than say an evening class.

Of course your wife should just be able to attend the church without getting involved with the groups but I am sure even she would agree that any member of the church who was showing anxiety and stress so much to the point they have to leave a group due to it, that person should be looked after and someone should be checking that they are ok and not just leaving them to suffer alone.

Myself and my son attend a church group, once we missed a few sessions in a row due to being busy. I had a note from one of the leaders posted through my door asking if we were ok as they hadn't seen us for a while with her telephone number to ring if I needed to. I didn't think she was being pushy I thought it was a lovely caring gesture, something that wouldn't have happen with his swimming class leader for example. I did ring to explain we had just been busy on those days and she was fine and just said she hoped see would see us soon. I also get notes posted through and the odd knock on the door :eek: Inviting us to other activities they think we might be interested in, sometimes we go, sometimes not, I don't feel any pressure, its just part of being involved with a church group, its what they do.

ognum

I honestly think this is a bit sad, so many people come on here saying no one cares about them, no one is interested in their welfare etc, etc.

She may be a pushy woman but she has bothered to reach out to check your wife is ok.

Robisere

I live in a small village with a thriving Church and Community. I am not a Christian and the only time I attend church is when one of my friends passes away, which is what I will be doing in 6 days time. An old mate of many years finally lost his battle with cancer.

I am lucky, in that everyone here understands that my wife and I have different beliefs which do not include worshipping a deity. However, I do understand what happens in a village if certain people who see themselves as self-appointed 'caring citizens', take umbrage at someone who does not wish to join their circle, or decides to leave it. There are just two in our village and everyone else tries to avoid the wife, who is the dead ringer for "Mrs. Bucket". Any conversation with herself and/or OH, is studded with their holidays (to the most exotic destinations) their material possessions, their fantastic home and its latest Makeover, and their work for the church. They always try to grab people for whatever charitable impulse is flavour of the month with them, but they have never been known to carry through these episodes. I have actually witnessed our lovely lady vicar, wince visibly as they approach her.

The problem that can arise, is that people like that in small communities, have been known to attempt to slight the names and reputations of those that they feel has disrespected them or their beliefs and opinions. This is the sort of thing that just rolls off my back and I would laugh at it, but OP I think that is the root of your wife's anxiety here. Ask her this: did she know this woman well, before she began going to church? Or joining the Group? If not, why be afraid of telling her no? Ask other friends in the village (diplomatically) for their opinion, you may get a pleasant surprise.

You could of course ignore her, by not answering letters or phone messages. But another way is to simply say that "The Group is not for me, I'm sorry, but I still like to attend church. - (Pause) - on my own, in my personal form of worship. But thanks for your concern, it is appreciated."

Lbuk

It seems to me to be one of those situations where inaction would have been the best action.

Your wife doesn't want to socialise and knew this (probably very well meaning) women would try to maintain contact.

Your wife should have just stopped going without trying to justify herself with lies. No one would be offended if she was still polite in passing.

To be honest reading through your replies you seem rather irate about the whole situation. A bit too irate. Mind your own business and let your wife figure things out for herself more and perhaps she'll gain some confidence in dealing with them in future.

surveyqueenuk

ognum wrote: »

I honestly think this is a bit sad, so many people come on here saying no one cares about them, no one is interested in their welfare etc, etc.

She may be a pushy woman but she has bothered to reach out to check your wife is ok.

Well, exactly. Regardless of what this woman is like, she is still a Christian and surely this would be the Christian thing to do.