the aftermath of an affair

Bufger

This sounds like the kind of story you hear where the ending is a murder report on the news.

I'd clearly state your intention to this individual.

-You were interested in friendship but she isnt reliable
-You're not totally clear on her intentions for the friendship or questions
-You want to move on.
-You're cutting contact but wish her the best for the future

no open doors, no miscommunication or misunderstanding.

System

Yep - I think she still thinks your involved with him and despite what she says, I think it's been over between her and him for a long time as well. I believe she probably can't let go and you are the last remaining contact with the old life.

barbiedoll

Re: the Facebook thing...she adds you as a "friend" so that she can see what you're up to and if you're involved in any way, with him.
Then she panics and wonders if you/he can see that she's been stalking you, so she blocks you.
Then she can't stand not knowing what you're up to so she adds you again...this would also explain her walking past your house etc. She is clearly still obsessed with this man.

You've got to feel sorry for her really, it must be awful for her, and her husband (and kids?) but you should back off and leave her to it.
There is no basis for a meaningful friendship here, not that she wants one anyway.

Steer well clear, change your number and if you see her hanging around your home, man up and tell her to clear off. This will never end well.

Kim_kim

swingaloo wrote: »

I wonder if she is back with him but obviously cant trust him so she keeps contacting you as she suspects he is seeing you again.

That's exactly what I think it is too.

Pollycat

barbiedoll wrote: »

Re: the Facebook thing...she adds you as a "friend" so that she can see what you're up to and if you're involved in any way, with him.
Then she panics and wonders if you/he can see that she's been stalking you, so she blocks you.
Then she can't stand not knowing what you're up to so she adds you again...this would also explain her walking past your house etc. She is clearly still obsessed with this man.

I think this ^^^^ might be what is going through her mind.

barbiedoll wrote: »

You've got to feel sorry for her really, it must be awful for her, and her husband (and kids?) but you should back off and leave her to it.
There is no basis for a meaningful friendship here, not that she wants one anyway.

I don't think anyone has 'got to feel sorry' for this woman.
Married and having an affair?
No sympathy from me coming her way.
If the situation is awful for her, it's of her own making.
I wonder if she actually knew the guy she was sleeping with was seeing someone else?

Now her husband (and any kids) - they do get my sympathy.

ifstar

Sounds like she is still with the guy and wants to keep checking up to make sure he isn't also with you. Don't really see what you will every get out this friendship other than the common link of you both being with the same guy. Block and move on.

Jobo88

Thanks everyone for your replies. it was actually me that added her on facebook after she said she wanted to be friends. She didn't know that I was seeing this guy at the same time she was. I had my suspicions, which resulted in me asking her what was going on, as I suspected he was taking the p*** out of the pair of us. Whilst the truth didn't come as a massive shock to me, it seemed as if it did to her.

rdone

Totally agree with post #34 apart from the fact that I don't feel sorry for her, only her family and everyone else she's hurt by her selfish actions.

You need to move on and do what's best for you.

TBagpuss

I' do what exiled red suggests.

Send her a message making cllear that you don'r want to remain in contact becasue it is a reminder of a painful relationship and you have moved on. Given that there is a strong possibility that she is still invovled with or hung up on the man concerned and that she may be 'checking up' I would specifcally include somethign to make clear that you are not invovled with him in anyway.

e.g.

"When I first found out how [name] was behaving and ended my relationship with him, it was helpful to be ableto talke with you as you hd had the same ecxperience,but now, 6 motnhs [or whatever] after the relationship ended and havign cut him out of my life permananently, I feel that it's just a reminder of him, and I don't want any reminders or connections to him."

That way, you are making clear to her that it is ot a personal rejection of her, and you are also reinforcing that you are no loner seeing the bloke and have no intereest in him.

GenericUsername

I think the best thing you can do is to walk away from this woman. The only thing that you seem to be getting from the 'friendship' is confusion, and that's not something you need in life.

It sounds to me like her friendship with you exists because of some ulterior motive. Seems like she has trust issues and is trying to find out if what you're saying to her is true by maintaining communication on her terms.

I think you have given her enough of a chance and for your own sake I would leave it alone. It is a mistake to continue. Remember, when you make a mistake more than once, it becomes a choice.

A fresh start without this toxic situation will definitely make you feel better.