the aftermath of an affair

Jobo88

Hi Everyone

Bear with me as this is going to be a long one.

Earlier this year I was involved with a man who turned out to be awful. Lied, Cheated and used any means possible to get what he wanted. Long story short he was involved with me and was also having some kind of affair with another woman, who happens to be married. I suspect we weren’t the only two involved with him, either. The relationship ended in May after I spoke to the other woman, and we both realised what had been going on. Briefly after that it seemed as though she and I could possibly be friends, but over the last few months her behaviour has been a bit confusing.

At first she seemed very eager to keep in touch, and we would touch base to check up on each other (the ending of his relationship with us both was quite traumatic, and ended up with me ringing the police about him) and make sure we were both doing alright.

Shortly after this she blocked my phone number and blocked me on Facebook. I spoke to my friends about this, and we agreed that it seemed like she was trying to protect herself (she’s married and me knowing about her relationship with my ex is obviously a risk to her marriage, although I have no intention of getting involved with that side of things whatsoever) which I could understand.

However, over the next few weeks she rang periodically, to ask how I was, and (I think this was her main motivation) to ask whether there had been any more trouble with my ex. During this period, a couple of people locally told me that she was still having an affair with him, but when I repeated this to her, she denied it (to be expected). Every time she rang she would encourage me to give her a text so that we could grab a coffee and catch up, but when I would text a couple of days later, she would either blow me off or ignore it. After a while I stopped making an effort, as I could obviously see the pattern emerging.

She continued to ring, although the frequency of her calls got less and less over time, and we would have a brief conversation, I would tell her nothing new had happened, we would discuss ‘him’ for a little while (he showed all the signs of narcissistic and anti-social personality disorder and I think talking through things with me helped her process what had happened to us – I have friends that helped me through) and then that would be it for a few weeks.

A month or two ago, she rang in the middle of the day (I work from home a couple of days a week – she works weekends) and asked what I was up to. I was getting sick of the pattern by this point so I told her I was busy and got off the phone as fast as I could. About 10 minutes later I looked out of the window and she was walking past my flat (it’s not on the way to anywhere and I’ve never seen her up there before). About 20 minutes later, she walked back past the other way. 15 minutes after this I got a text from her asking if I was back with my ex (I wasn’t). I replied as such and received no response.

After this happened I had enough and decided to block her phone number and block her on facebook. I saw her while walking to the shop one evening and we had an awkward exchange then I went home. I had been home about 20 minutes when my phone rang (apparently blocking someone won’t work if they ring from a withheld number) and asked if she could pop to mine for a chat. I had mentioned to her when I saw her that I didn’t have plans for that evening and so felt that I couldn’t get out of it (I know I’m too soft). She came up and we chatted for an hour or two, during which time she lied to her husband about where she was, and then she left.

A couple of weeks ago she rang, and seemed like she was trying to make a real effort to be friends and keep in touch. I discussed it with my friends and decided to give it one more go. For the past two weeks we’ve kept in touch and met up a couple of times, and it’s all seemed to be going pretty well (she’s nice to talk to and we’ve got things in common), but this evening she’s blocked my phone and facebook again. I’m at the stage now where I’m ready to block her on facebook myself, change my phone number and just avoid her as much as I can, as I’m not prepared to continue on with the situation.

I suppose what I’m after with this thread is just a fresh perspective. I know what I’m going to do, I’m going to cut contact and ignore, but I find her behaviour to be very confusing and just want to know what you all think? I know that many (including some of my friends) will probably think I shouldn’t have given her the second chance, but that’s not who I am as a person. I’m quite empathetic and in spite of the fact that she’s had some kind of affair with a man I was involved with (she didn’t know I was involved with him, and I also don’t know whether it was a physical affair or just emotional, although I suspect it was both) I can sympathise with her. Dealing with this man has been traumatic and emotional, and whilst I have had my friends and parents for support, she’s gone through it alone and in spite of myself I feel sorry for her, which is why I’ve tried my hardest to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry for the long rant. I’m just trying to process this all, and would like to know other’s thoughts on the whole thing.

baby_lemonade

To be frank, a friendship between two scorned women was never going to go far, was it.

JulieElizabeth

She sounds like a headcase. I think that she thinks you are still involved with the cheating man, and she is stalking you and making contact to confirm or deny this

Sever all ties pronto

Top_Girl

Unless you want him back, your common ground needs to go before you can move on.

Leave her to it.

consumers_revenge

She sounds like right pain in the a55.. Don't waste any further time.


You can copy this to their facebook page and I suggest you hang another in your window case they stalk by again.

Loz01

It all sounds a bit odd - whats the actual point of having a friendship, except for she wants to check up on the ex and make sure you're not going to tell her husband? I'd cut her off and let her crack on with her life and you get on with yours.

Jobo88

some of my friends are inclined to agree that she is in fact, a headcase. I've just found it confusing.

I don't want this man back. it's taking me a while to get to a stage where i'm ready to consider a relationship with someone else, but I know I don't want him back. I am going to sever all ties. it costs money to change your phone number, but worth it IMO.

swingaloo

I wonder if she is back with him but obviously cant trust him so she keeps contacting you as she suspects he is seeing you again.

Jobo88

Swingaloo - I've wondered this a few times. I know I shouldn't but it's easier said than done unfortunately. like I said in my original post, a couple of people mentioned to me that she was still seeing him after we found out about each other (which makes her mental in my opinion, when he saw us talking to each other he went mental, vandalised my car and my flat, and screamed a load of abuse at us both in the middle of the street in front of her kids) and that planted the seed of doubt.

fabforty

I think you are wasting time and energy trying to figure this out - you are not friends and sharing a cheating man is not really a basis for true friendship. Stop investing in this situation, it's unhealthy. Forget them both and move on. Changing your number shouldn't be expensive and will be worth it for the peace of mind. It all sounds a bit strange tbh.

duchy

If you are being harassed it won't cost to change your number. Certainly the telecoms company I work for you wouldn't charge you if you've already blocked your harasser and they are getting around it by withholding number ....assuming it's a residential and not a business line.

She doesn't want to be your friend ....she's just using you to see if you are back with him ....or see if he tries to get back with you.