the aftermath of an affair

exiled_red

Rather than just blocking her on facebook, changing your number etc. I think that I would say/message her to say that, while your chats and shared experiences have been helpful now you feel that it time to move on and while you realise that this isn't her fault but your contact with her is reminding you of the guy you want to forget and move on from, so you think that it is best if you don't contact one another again. If she is reasonable she should respect your request, if not then go down the route of blocking her on facebook, changing your number etc. but I think I would try to do things amicably first rather than just breaking off contact without giving an explanation.

It could be that the blocking and lack of contact has been her trying to do something similar, but she keeps giving in, obviously there could be a host of other reasons but I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.

-taff

Post #3

She's trying to find out if you're still seeing him, whether it's becasue she is [jealous/insecure] or she isn't [jealous/insecure]

Don't bother with the effort.

fairy_lights

Having both had an affair with the same man seems like a pretty unhealthy basis for a friendship to be honest.
It sounds like she's still hung up on your joint-lover and sooner or later things are going to explode.

Jobo88

.Gigolo_Aunt wrote: »

So you decided to spark up a friendship with the other mistress of this married man? More fool you.

I think that's a bit harsh, and indeed she was the one who suggested that we could be friends, and has also been the one who has persisted with the contact even after I tried to block her. I gave her a second chance recently because she seemed so persistent. Also, he's not married, she is.

Thanks everyone for your replies. most of you seem to be echoing what one of my friends (who's a counsellor with a pshychology degree) seems to think. I am too soft, too my detriment sometimes, and find the idea of telling her I don't want to talk to her any more quite daunting. I'll do it if I can work myself up to it. I would echo the sentiment that I feel sorry for her husband and kids, who I'm sure has absolutely no idea about the whole thing.

I'm aware that it's not really the most healthy thing to have kept on trying to be friends with this woman, but who can honestly say what they would do in a similar situation if they haven't experienced it. I wouldn't say I'm proud of how I've sometimes acted since the start of this whole mess, and it's been a difficult year for me.

This thread has given me some perspective at least, so thank you all for that.

paddy's_mum

Exiled red in post 23 gives you the precise wording you need to end this unproductive 'friendship' with the least hurt and upset for all concerned. I'd bet your counsellor friend would, or indeed has, suggested something very similar to you.

Because it is non-aggressive and speaks only of your needs and feelings, it should be very straightforward to bring this potentially poisonous situation to an end.

Write it if you feel unable to speak to her face to face but once you have said it, don't be pressured (by tears or intimidation or pleading) into resuming contact.

baby_lemonade

Does this ever work the other way? Would two blokes get together and become chummy when the only thing they appear to have in common is that they both screwed the same woman?

(Don't get me banned, just thinking out loud!)

Jobo88

Baby_lemonade - that's a good question. its probably unlikely, they'd just do the sensible thing and forget about each other I reckon! what I should have done at the start!

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I honestly don't understand all this guff about blocking/unblocking on Facebook- isn't this what teenagers do? Facebook isn't some sort of moral barometer of a relationship (I know a married couple who aren't "friends" with each other on FB).

If you genuinely enjoy this person's company and have things in common (other than being used by a bar steward), then meet them as regularly as suits. If not then don't bother.

warby68

I wouldn't analyse it any further - make the break and move on.

It was an unhealthy basis for a friendship and she is also a cheat (no better than him really) so, unless you have that in common too, it seems odd that you would want to bother with her at all.

I get it that emotions and strange, hard to believe, situations can make us do odd things, but you seem ready to move on and that really seems the best plan.

hazyjo

I've been in touch with two exes - both on extremely supportive friendly terms. But they weren't 'friendships'.


She's definitely either still involved with him and doesn't trust him an inch and is checking whether you have heard from him or seen him, or she's just an obsessive scorned ex. Neither scenario results in a healthy friendship.


Are you that short of friends that you value her friendship that much? I bet she's blocked you after she's yelled something at him in an argument and he's made her promise to block you.


Just move on, block her known numbers and forget about her. You may find that rude or out of character, but she's done it to you, so you can only presume she treats others in the way she expects to be treated.


Jx