Natural Burial

melanzana

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Did your BIL not want what she wanted or did he just not care?

I'm not sure what I would've done if my husband had wanted something I wouldn't have liked - talked him out of it, I'd expect.

We were not next of kin.

Up to the time of the funeral we were all very close. I suppose grief can do things to people.

My main point was, that no matter what your wishes, you can just hope that they will be observed!

missbiggles1

melanzana wrote: »

Thanks.

I hope I wasn't wallowing there, but sometimes you can't help yourself!

Anyway, sister is in our hearts, and will be as long as we have life ourselves. That is the main thing.

And yes, she was happy to put her wishes to paper.

Thank you for commenting. It was very painful for us, but as I said, she is in our hearts, no matter where she is.

Remember, and I mean this in all sympathy, her remains aren't her.:)

melanzana

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Remember, and I mean this in all sympathy, her remains aren't her.:)

Yes we know that.

But in all fairness, wouldn't anyone be a bit unhappy that her wishes were not fulfilled? So easy to do, so sad not to.

It wasn't as if she wanted her ashes to be scattered in Patagonia or Macchu Picchu lol.

seven-day-weekend

melanzana wrote: »

Yes we know that.

But in all fairness, wouldn't anyone be a bit unhappy that her wishes were not fulfilled? So easy to do, so sad not to.

It wasn't as if she wanted her ashes to be scattered in Patagonia or Macchu Picchu lol.

It is sad.

But maybe whatever he did was the only way he could cope.

Grief is a very personal thing.

missbiggles1

melanzana wrote: »

Yes we know that.

But in all fairness, wouldn't anyone be a bit unhappy that her wishes were not fulfilled? So easy to do, so sad not to.

It wasn't as if she wanted her ashes to be scattered in Patagonia or Macchu Picchu lol.

But does he want to keep them rather than scattering them or, as I said before, can't he be bothered?

As somebody who still has her husband's ashes, it seems to me the the situations are quite different.

(This is one time I'm not just arguing, by the way.:))

melanzana

missbiggles1 wrote: »

But does he want to keep them rather than scattering them or, as I said before, can't he be bothered?

As somebody who still has her husband's ashes, it seems to me the the situations are quite different.

(This is one time I'm not just arguing, by the way.:))

I don't know if he doesn't want to let them go, or if he is in some way asserting his independence from her family. He has a large family but doesn't speak to any of them (or vice versa!), whereas we are a close family, with the usual caveats of course!

I dunno.

It is what it is now. So we must move on. With difficulty.

Anyway, as I said, wishes are fine, but observing them may not be what you hoped, in some cases.

mumps

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I can see this way of doing things too; however, we don't want to leave our son to organise it, organisation has never been his strong point and we don't want to make him anxious at such a sad (hopefully!) time.

I know your son has problems with some things so I suppose you need to factor that in. Personally I have arranged 3 funerals and the undertakers were great and I didn't feel it was difficult to do. It actually gave me comfort to be doing this last thing for them. Choosing hymns was probably the hardest thing to do. As my kids are all heathens maybe I should just leave some suggestions for the hymns?

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I found great comfort in arranging my husband's funeral so I'm glad he left that for me to do. I agree with Mumps that funerals are for those who are left.

I'm glad my husband went first, he'd never have coped without me.:)

Yes I found it comforting. It was that last loving thing and was important to me. However, my husband says he wants to go on the dustcart to the local tip and I fear I will have to let him down on that one. Silly as it is I think I will feel bad about that and that is the sort of pressure I think people can feel if the deceased has left instructions for something they can't manage.

Are funerals going to end up like weddings? All being a Hollywood style production.

BarryBlue

Funerals can be whatever you want them to be. My wife's father died three months ago and had expressed no wishes for a funeral beyond being cremated. He wouldn't have cared less what they did with him, and had no religious interest or belief whatsoever.

We arranged a Humanist funeral which was absolutely excellent. I had met the celebrant before and he was happy to do it. Those attending, even the church types, agreed that it was the most moving and personal one they had ever attended. The celebrant had made a real effort to speak to as many family members as he could for personal memories. His attitude was that it was FIL's day, and it wasn't going to be shared with anyone imaginary. We chose what we regarded as appropriate music and it was perfect for him.

We regard burial as a waste of space, in the literal sense. For cremation, you may as well have the cheapest coffin, and those wicker or cardboard ones are far more expensive than standard chipboard ones. My wife still has the ashes and we have no idea what we will do with them as yet.

lessonlearned

mumps wrote: »

Yes I found it comforting. It was that last loving thing and was important to me. However, my husband says he wants to go on the dustcart to the local tip and I fear I will have to let him down on that one. Silly as it is I think I will feel bad about that and that is the sort of pressure I think people can feel if the deceased has left instructions for something they can't manage.

Are funerals going to end up like weddings? All being a Hollywood style production.

Your last sentence is interesting.

Funerals, just like christenings and weddings, whether religious or not, are indeed a form of "theatre".

And yes, they do need "producing"...... it can feel like you are planning a military campaign......especially when there are lot of older family members who want to attend and have their own health needs. In mums case we also had the Belgian contingent to house and feed for the duration. It took some organising.

My father tried to go against my mother's wishes. My sister and I stood firm and made sure that her wishes were respected.

He wanted a full catholic funeral and mass, followed by a burial. My mother said under no circumstances did she want to be buried and she was emphatic she wanted "no priests thank you very much"

We compromised. She had the "Last Rites" to appease my dad, although I felt uneasy because I knew she wouldn't have wanted it. I felt it was very wrong to go against her wishes, especially as she was still alive. I think my father was really out of order on that one but my sister and I gave in.

However, we did hold our ground about the funeral and we gave her a humanist funeral. The female celebrant was lovely, my mum would have liked her.

We set up a screen and showed a montage of photos and movie clips of her life set to one of her favourite pieces of music. I had done this for my husband and my sister said did I mind if we did this for mum too.

My father complained afterwards that is was "too show bizzy". And yet everyone else said both my husband's and my mums funerals were perfect because they reflected the person. They had all enjoyed seeing their lives unfold on the screen, especially the nursing home staff who had only known them when they were sick and frail.

Both my husband and my mother were outgoing and gregarious, real party animals - so it seemed right to celebrate their lives with stories, music they loved and in mums case, lots of flowers.

I knew that both my husband and my mother would have wanted the whole "gathering of the clans, drink to their health and let's remember the good times" so that's what we gave them.

We know that dad wants a simple no fuss funeral so that's what we will give him. Whether or not he still wants the whole Catholic Mass we have yet to discuss.

It's ironic though - although dad doesn't see the irony - but in its way the whole Catholic thing is just as "showy". However, if that's what he wants then that's what we will give him.

My father had a distinguished military career - he was quite the war hero and I would like to incorporate that into his funeral. He still fund raises for SSAFA so I will contact them when the time comes and see if one of their people wants to make an address.

Barry Blue - I was astonished to find that eco friendly coffins were susbstantially more expensive than the budget range of more mainstream coffins.

Just edited to add......in case this might be of help.

SSAFA can be a great help both to old soldiers who are still alive and experiencing distress and also their widows.

I have known a couple of cases where they have stepped in to help old soldiers who have died destitute and with no family. In one case in particular rather than seeing an old war hero have a paupers burial they provided a simple dignified ceremony attended by a couple of their people.

As I said my dad still fund raises for them and I have met a couple of their people. One of their representatives attended mums funeral.