Being the only 'OldStyler' in your friendship group.

WantToBeSE

Is there anyone else who is the only oldstyler in your friendship group?

Many of my friends have double the income that i do, since they are married/with long term partners and i am a single pringle.

To get together they all go to Starbucks/Costa, clothes shopping etc.

I don't do any of that, as i am concentrating on clearing my debt and increasing my savings.

It can make me feel a bit like the 'poor relative' sometimes, and also it can make me feel left out.

How do you manage it?

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hoglet121

I'm the only old styler amongst my friendship group, and in my case I know I'm the only one of us that has savings too - the 2 things are linked!

First of all, I'd say that just because they have a higher income, if they're spending lots in Costa and clothes shopping, there's a good chance their finances aren't all that great either.

Suggest meeting up for coffee at each others' houses rather than going out to Costa, or tag along for the shopping but don't buy anything, leave your cards at home if you'll be tempted. Instead of resturants how about pot luck dinners?

I know it's easy to feel left out but keep thinking about the bigger picture of getting yourself out of debt and having savings. It's easy to think that everyone else has it all, but so often that's not the case, so just concentrate on doing what you're doing.

Hoglet x

Hard_Up_Hester

I don't have a friendship group, but I am the only oldstyler at work, people are used to me now and just leave me out of everything. An email went round last week about the Christmas Do, £64 for a meal out, funnily enough I refused to join them.

PasturesNew

It's nigh on impossible to be 'friends' in all aspects with anybody that's in a working couple because if you both earn the same .... they've still got 5-10x your disposable income as the 2nd income is mostly all disposable.

They'll never "get it" that they have more and won't understand that you have so MUCH less.

It is tough ... but the less you go out the better off you are (or the less in trouble you are) ... so it's a win really

[Deleted User]

Thankfully my friends are as financially poor as me so we are all fairly similar with our thrift

ariarnia

See, now we're fairly well off as a couple

I understand why people do, but I don't equate old style with cheap (if nothing else, the cost of fabric compared to the cost of just buying the clothes :eek: we shall never tell OH!)

I'm old style A - because I prefer simple, home made and decent quality and B - because I've always done things that way (from when I didn't have any money)

If anything being old style lets me enjoy a much greater quality of life than I otherwise could because I'm a lot more personally satisfied with my life/feel invested in it.

I still meet friends out for coffee or diner and a show - but I enjoy those things as a change of pace from what I do everyday, and I enjoy them just as much as a playdate at a friends house (with or with out the sproglets)

And yes, I get funny looks for my packed lunches, but I've also converted a few people to it being okay to bring in leftovers from the night before :cool:

Larumbelle

I suppose it depends. None of my group of friends are particularly OS, but they are happy to accept that I have less money to spend / different financial priorities (not all of them know that I 'need' to be OS now - in the past, it has been a lifestyle choice). Most of the time we hang out at someone's home, but it helps that we are unified by a common hobby that can be as cheap or as expensive as you want to make it. It's not a big deal that I am at the non-spending end of the spectrum (but the compulsive upgraders of the group do tend to offer me their cast-offs in a no-big-deal kind of way, which are always gratefully accepted!)

That doesn't mean that they never go off and do 'costly' things without me, but they do still always invite me, they don't make a fuss if I choose not to come along, and such outings aren't the be-all and end-all of our social lives.

It did used to be different. I was the only OSer in a group of spendthrifts. It's not that there was any animosity, many of them privately asked for help and advice, but there was always an undercurrent of me being the poor relation, even though I was proud of my thriftiness rather than ashamed of it, and I definitely felt like the odd one out. Over time I tended to shed most of those friends, not because I was OS and they weren't, but because lots of other aspects of our lives and values fell out of sync with one another's. But the true friends are still friends now, because we adapted our friendship to something we were both happy with (coffee at mine, meals out at low-cost places unless it is a very special occasion, movie nights in rather than at the cinema, etc)

I suppose my gut feeling is that if a friendship is true, it will survive. If it doesn't, it was never supposed to. We all change as people as we go through life, and friendships either evolve and continue, or they peter out as we naturally gravitate to those closer to who we become. That stands true for all of the values we consider important, not just financial ones.

suki1964

I don't do " friends" so I'm ok with my lifestyle

I have lots of people I know and some of us are the same wavelength , sort of. I think living in the country we are generally more resourceful full stop

lessonlearned

[QUOTE=Larumbelle;71358339

I suppose my gut feeling is that if a friendship is true, it will survive. If it doesn't, it was never supposed to. We all change as people as we go through life, and friendships either evolve and continue, or they peter out as we naturally gravitate to those closer to who we become. That stands true for all of the values we consider important, not just financial ones.[/QUOTE]

This.......

Whilst we tend to hang out with people who are similar to ourselves I don't think that friendship boils down to money.

I have friends who are millionaires and friends who are as poor as church mice. It makes no difference to me and it makes no difference to them.

Friendship, true friendship, is based more on having similar values and on the regard and respect you have for one another. It's not about "keeping up". I think your real problem is that you dont seem very confident. You mustn't measure yourself against your free spending friends. Money doesn't make them "better" than you. They might not be any happier either.

THere is no reason why you can't meet up for a costa coffee now and then. And if you don't want to go shopping then dont go.

Have you looked on your council website for free or cheap things to do. Maybe you might find something that your friends might be interested in doing with you that is relatively low cost.

And of course for meals out, treats and outings etc then maybe you could look at groupon vouchers or club card points etc, cinema or theatre deals etc.

An evening at the cinema with your friends watching a girlie film and then a light bite is much cheaper than a shopping trip and probably more fun.

Slowly57

Gawd - there's enough shaming in the tabloid press and on the telly in regard to earning/spending. I don't feel the need to justify what I earn/spend and neither should anyone else - not my business!

fuddle

I don't go around saying I'm Old Style/frugal or the like but people here know I like to cook decent meals myself, bake, grow my own, crochet and make do and mend. It's just seen as my hobby and/or my personality plus it's my job as being home maker.

What I would say is that if I don't have the desire, inclination or the money to do x, y, z then I just say. If folk don't want to be my friend then that's their issue. I've seen many 'friends' disappear into the ether over the years. A friend who needs you to fit in with their ideals is no friend at all really. Just what I've learned.

Old Style doesn't have to be a label that's different. I see it as living within my means with what I can get and have got. I see it as making the best of situations using whatever idea or skill I can muster to produce a positive. OS for me isn't being tight or cheap. It's about being a bit clever. I don't advertise that side of me but equally knowing I have that canny side gives me the strength to just not be bothered about fitting in... and the conversational skills that help me build acquaintances with like minded people.