Issue with ex denying access to children

Faelia

Only had chance to have a quick flick through the replies to this thread so far. Thank you for any advice offered.

To clear up a few points:

I meant he sometimes comes out for team drinks or meals after work without the children.
We don't all go out every often, it's usually on or after payday and we buy rounds in a local Wetherspoons, so it's usually around £10-15 each, and no extravagant meals, it has mostly been a Chinese buffet for around £13 a person. As someone says, he has to still have a life.
He has told me that he pays her more than the amount he is expected to pay her for maintenance, and I have no reason to believe that he'd lie about it.
Some people may be concerned that I'm asking about a "friend", but it would be irrelevant whether it was anything different. I suggested seeking advice on here but he doesn't have a lot of time at his disposal now that he has just started working another job as well. Maybe he doesn't think it'll be of any use so I thought I'd see if I could find out anything that would help. I'm not really trying to involve myself but just being armed with some advice of websites or services he might be able to use would be helpful.
I may appear "emotionally involved" but as I said, he's a friend, and when he has to leave the office because he's getting upset, then how am I supposed to react? Just think "ah well, he'll get over it.."? As with any friendship, I try to do my best to help whenever I can. Another friend is suffering with depression at the moment and I'm trying to help them find a counselling service, this is just a more complex issue, and I thought some MSE users might have had similar experiences.
I have seen messages from her saying horrendous things to him after she'd seen a Facebook status of someone in the team tagging him in a drinks after work status. She may just be bitter that he left after the relationship didn't work out and resents that he is trying to move on with his life and have a good time, even once a month. It's certainly no reason to use the kids as a weapon against him.
I know I only really have his side of the story but I don't believe that he's doing wrong in this situation; he's very open and honest about it all.

Sorry if I missed any points.

seven-day-weekend

missbiggles1 wrote: »

"What you can afford" has to take into account other expenses, including having a life.

Absolutely. Why shouldn't he have a modest social life? As long a he is giving at least what the law says he must, why is it a problem? If they were still living together he would have pocket money, why should this be any different because they no longer do so?

Sambella

Taking your post as you intend ��

If he is paying what he is supposed to pay he doesn't not have to go above and beyond that certainly he should not succumb to any threats. If he wishes to pay above and beyond what he is supposed to that's up to him. Kudos to him if he does.

The courts will give him access if he hasn't done anything wrong.

He iIS entitled to a life after a break up whilst meeting his responsibilities to his children.

Break ups/ child maintenance are an emotive subject that brings about strong reactions.

Your place as a friend is to simply inform him that the courts are there to prevent him losing access to his kids and this is what he must use if it happens. You need not go any further.

Above all else look after YOU. You cannot solve everyone's problems just point them in the right direction and listen but don't judge. Perhaps it's the pain of the break up causing the current drama and things may well settle. It's best for the children that things do settle.

duchy

So he's a lovely guy .......who married a woman and had more than one child with her .......and then left her and the kids.

If she's the monster he claims how come he had multiple children with her before he noticed ? Is it possible that either she's not a monster or she has very good reason to be angry with him. Was he unfaithful for example.

You sound awfully young and a bit smitten and I'd suggest you consider that there are usually three sides to every marriage break up, his side, her side and the truth. Don't take everything he says as gospel.

For example you've seen awful messages from her on Facebook, would you view them as so awful if you knew he'd not paid her child support and she didn't have money to feed the children? How angry would you be for his kids that he was !!!!ing it up in 'spoons in that situation? You claim he's open and honest .....you actually have no idea if he's spinning you a pack of lies or is telling the truth. How likely is it that he deliberately chose to marry someone horrible and went on to have children with her ? People don't change that dramatically. You'll probably notice that other people with more life experience are not invested in his problems the way you are .....either they know there are always two sides .....or they know him better and have an idea of the other side.

Tell him to get an appointment with a solicitor (surely if he was that bothered about seeing his kids he'd have already done this though .....it's a bit obvious)

You don't have to involve yourself in every problem a work acquaintance has ......and it can often backfire on you. Be very sure these are real friends rather than just people you know through work who like having someone non judgemental who believes every word they say to talk to. Why are they using you for this rather than speaking to longtime friends or family ? Don't believe everything you are told .

FBaby

There's nothing wrong in helping your friend and supporting him emotionally. However, your first post came across as quite critical of her and if that's how you feel knowing so little about the situation, how much can you help with advice.

The best position to advice it to try to remain as neutral as possible otherwise, what can you say? Yes, she's a b***, yes you should reduce maintenance, yes you should fight her in court etc... when what he really needs to do as much as possible is to try to improve communication with her so they can at least come up with compromises and less animosity.

The more you validate his feelings of hatred/frustration towards her, the less likely he is to consider the above and that will result in him feeling even worse and more concerning, his kids being affected by it all.

paddy's_mum

duchy wrote: »

there are usually three sides to every marriage break up, his side, her side and the truth

Precisely!

Gavin83

duchy wrote: »

So he's a lovely guy .......who married a woman and had more than one child with her .......and then left her and the kids.

If she's the monster he claims how come he had multiple children with her before he noticed ? Is it possible that either she's not a monster or she has very good reason to be angry with him. Was he unfaithful for example.

You sound awfully young and a bit smitten and I'd suggest you consider that there are usually three sides to every marriage break up, his side, her side and the truth. Don't take everything he says as gospel.

For example you've seen awful messages from her on Facebook, would you view them as so awful if you knew he'd not paid her child support and she didn't have money to feed the children? How angry would you be for his kids that he was !!!!ing it up in 'spoons in that situation? You claim he's open and honest .....you actually have no idea if he's spinning you a pack of lies or is telling the truth. How likely is it that he deliberately chose to marry someone horrible and went on to have children with her ? People don't change that dramatically. You'll probably notice that other people with more life experience are not invested in his problems the way you are .....either they know there are always two sides .....or they know him better and have an idea of the other side.

Tell him to get an appointment with a solicitor (surely if he was that bothered about seeing his kids he'd have already done this though .....it's a bit obvious)

You don't have to involve yourself in every problem a work acquaintance has ......and it can often backfire on you. Be very sure these are real friends rather than just people you know through work who like having someone non judgemental who believes every word they say to talk to. Why are they using you for this rather than speaking to longtime friends or family ? Don't believe everything you are told .

Why are you so quick to dismiss what the OP said as false? What you said above is a possibility but it's also a possibility that what the OP said is also 100% the truth.

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

So he's a lovely guy .......who married a woman and had more than one child with her .......and then left her and the kids.

If she's the monster he claims how come he had multiple children with her before he noticed ? Is it possible that either she's not a monster or she has very good reason to be angry with him. Was he unfaithful for example.

It always amazes me how many previously ordinary women seem to suddenly become crazy evil psychopaths and neglectful cruel mothers in their ex's eyes shortly after they decide they don't want to sleep with them anymore. :cool:

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

It always amazes me how many previously ordinary women seem to suddenly become crazy evil psychopaths and neglectful cruel mothers in their ex's eyes shortly after they decide they don't want to sleep with them anymore. :cool:

Some do though. I know a guy whose first wife still expected him to maintain the house and garden even after she had re-married and moved someone else in. And told the children lies about him (the marriage broke up because she had three affairs and he finally had enough and left her. She told them he'd ''abandoned ' them. He, being a decent person, did not tell them about her behaviour).

I hasten to add he always supported his children financially over and above what the law required.

theoretica

Sounds like a small, practical, way of supporting him would be remembering never to tag him in facebook photos.