Issue with ex denying access to children

Faelia

Hi everyone

Just hoping for a bit of advice that I can pass on to my friend at work who is having a hard time with his ex denying him access to their children.
He moved out early this year and usually has the children to stay over every other weekend but his ex has started to cause real heartache for him every few days saying that he's lost his kids and that he'll never see them again for things like going for drinks with the team or going out for dinner; she thinks that because he's not spending all of his money on their children, that he doesn't care and that he's a bad father. He loves his kids and he gives her as much as he can afford but it's really getting him down when she starts denying him access to seeing them for no good reasons at all.
She seems to me as though she's a bit unhinged and very poisonous; she has no problem with using extremely foul language in front of their children (as young as 5) and telling them lies to try to turn them against him. He really is a lovely guy and I hate to see her being able to control him like this. All he wants is to be able to see his children and for things to be amicable, not have to worry that she's going to fly off the handle and start an argument out of nothing and deny him access.

What can he do? He has got some information about family mediation but he said that she's unlikely to turn up for that, so is the next step a court order? He's concerned about how he will pay for everything but his priority is obviously his children.

Can anyone offer any further advice? Thank you!

paddy's_mum

Faelia wrote: »

for things like going for drinks with the team or going out for dinner

These two comments raise questions in my mind immediately - they perhaps need further explanation.

To be honest, I would not have been impressed if my ex-husband took our young children out for drinks with an entire team of (presumably) blokes with the potential for boozy rowdiness and if he is going out for dinner, it begs the question 'who with'? Out with the children is one thing but if he's taking them out with, say, a new girlfriend without the knowledge or agreement of their mother, that's a whole different scenario.

If he is going out for dinner while he has the children, who is minding them?

He may be a lovely chap to you but if he is plucking Mummy's worry strings, he may be provoking the very behaviour that he's complaining to you about.

sheramber

On the other hand he could be going out on the weekend he doesn't have the kids.

Especially, if she thinks he is not spending all his money on the kids. If he was taking the kids out he would be spending money on them.

seven-day-weekend

I took it to mean he went drinking when he did NOT have the children.

duchy

Is what he is paying the correct amount not less than his legal obligation ? (He might think he is been generous but there's a legal calculation ....he sounds very "social" so possibly what he thinks is reasonable may not be as supporting your kids is supposed to be a higher priority than drinks with the boys)

Yes he could get a court order if she won't allow access however with regards to her slagging him off to the children that will stop when she wants it to or she forgives him (presumably she has reasons to be angry ).

theoretica

Would she be able to afford to go out for a meal/drinks on nights he has the kids, if she wanted to? If she couldn't afford such things - through necessity rather than budgeting choices - I can see she might resent him having them.

That is no excuse for using the kids as a weapon for her resentment or taking it out on them. Would they be better off with him as the resident parent?

onomatopoeia99

duchy wrote: »

Yes he could get a court order if she won't allow access however with regards to her slagging him off to the children that will stop when she wants it to or she forgives him (presumably she has reasons to be angry ).

Any parent that runs down the other parent to their children, no matter how angry they are, is a sorry excuse for a parent and for an adult. They need to rise above it and stop using the children as weapons.

Caroline_a

There's always 2 sides to every story. OP, you only have your friend's side. His wife's side might be very different! Personally I would keep out of it - if he wants advice, direct him to Wikivorce.

Otherwise you are giving him third hand, amateur (yes, we are all amateurs here!!) advice that may be totally incorrect in his particular situation. I'm always wary of people asking advice for 'my friend' - there's often a hidden agenda.

FBaby

She seems to me as though she's a bit unhinged and very poisonous;

Of course you would, you only get to hear his side of the story.

He loves his kids and he gives her as much as he can afford

she has no problem with using extremely foul language in front of their children (as young as 5) and telling them lies to try to turn them against him.

How do you know besides that's what he told you?

He really is a lovely guy and I hate to see her being able to control him like this

You seem very emotionally involved. Is he just a friend?

The best advice anyone can give you here is butt out of it. Listen to him if you want to but don't get involved, you don't have the details of the actual situation.

seven-day-weekend

duchy wrote: »

Is what he is paying the correct amount not less than his legal obligation ? (He might think he is been generous but there's a legal calculation ....he sounds very "social" so possibly what he thinks is reasonable may not be as supporting your kids is supposed to be a higher priority than drinks with the boys)

Yes he could get a court order if she won't allow access however with regards to her slagging him off to the children that will stop when she wants it to or she forgives him (presumably she has reasons to be angry ).

But no reason to slag the children's father off in front of them. Even if he is a 'rotter', he is still their father.

Caroline_a

FBaby wrote: »

The best advice anyone can give you here is butt out of it. Listen to him if you want to but don't get involved, you don't have the details of the actual situation.

Great advice. My ex, who could be the most plausible chap in the world, told the court that I was always out clubbing and that I used to leave my daughter alone all the time. Total lies. Luckily both the court welfare officer and the judge saw through his lies. I did, however, wonder what he used to tell his family and friends... but the people who mattered to me knew the truth!