overthinking or pregnancy hormones?!

newcook

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Something else I obviously have little knowledge of - wedding etiquette - I've seen plenty of wedding outfits and pretty summer dresses that are cream, and my brother & bride bought me a white outfit for their wedding (I wasn't a bridesmaid, her sisters were), so I presume that they didn't, either, as they apparently bought me a Narcissist Costume for the day. Either that, or it might have had more to do with my entire wardrobe consisting of black, red or dark green/purple and they wanted me to have one pretty dress for special occasions.

Ive always been told its bad taste to wear white or cream to a wedding unless the bride and groom request it (as they did in your case)

there are plenty of lovely summer outfits that are cream or white - she'd originally planned to wear a beautiful purple dress but changed her mind after seeing the white one even though her mother told her it would be great for any even other than a wedding as it was too much like a wedding suit!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Maybe she misses you/is lonely - you've moved out, got pregnant almost immediately (if you didn't move out in the first place because you were pregnant), her boyfriend's gone - is she living alone for the first time in years? There's a cure for that, though - show her your comments about her on this thread.

we'd decided last year that we wouldnt be renewing our tenancy this year - I fell pregnant after moving in with OH.
she's lived alone before but she used to boss me about a lot so think she may miss having someone to do this to - one of the reasons why her boyfriend split up with her after only being together a few weeks as he didnt like being told what to do all the time.

*Robin*

newcook wrote: »

she's never wanted children and has even spoke about being sterilised so I dont think its that.

Strictly speaking, Godparents are appointed to care for the child's spiritual welfare. Today in the UK perhaps that aspect isn't as important as it would be in a more religious country (when nominated for the role in Spain, I found myself at the Priest's house attending 'classes' with the other prospective Godparents - it was clear that he had the final word as to whether we'd make the grade or not! ..But that was in a small, very traditional Catholic community).

DH and I chose Godparents based on a "worst case" scenario: If we both happened to die before the child reached his/her majority, who would be the best persons to take over our roles as parents?
Our choices were never put to the test (luckily!). But thinking along those lines, what you've written about your mate suggests she would not be a suitable candidate.

Mojisola

newcook wrote: »

she's lived alone before but she used to boss me about a lot so think she may miss having someone to do this to - one of the reasons why her boyfriend split up with her after only being together a few weeks as he didnt like being told what to do all the time.

Why would you want to involve someone like this is your and your child's life?

She might not know much about raising children but, if you make her your child's Godmother, she'll feel she has the right to tell you that you're doing things wrong all the time!

Detroit

newcook wrote: »

wow! Ive never expected her to treat me like a princess! just a general 'hows things going' would suffice - much like when I ask her how her parents are etc
even if I had suffered with the things you listed I wouldn't go into detail, just a 'yep, its all great!' as I know its not interesting to anyone.

the more I think of it, she's definitely got narcissistic tendencies - I just remembered she wore a cream dress to her brothers wedding the other year and a few people had commented that she looked as if she was getting married!

Here we go again! Is it not possible to discuss behaviour without attaching some pop psychology label to it?

Being unpleasant is 'emotional abuse', being mean with money or over spending is 'financial abuse' being self centred is having a 'narcissistic personality'.

Not aimed at you in particular OP, just a personal irritation that it seems necessary to define behaviour we find challenging in these dramatic terms, and attach these labels to people.

With regards to your friend, I think you are being unreasonable. Not because it's unreasonable to expect a friend to be interested in you, but because youre expecting her to completely change her personality.
She's never been interested in you. Why would she start now, just because you're pregnant?

To be honest, pregnancy is not much of a spectator sport.

The people who show an interest are doing so to be nice and supportive. Your friend doesn't sound like she's either at the best of times; and at the end of a relationship when her friend is drifting away from her into motherhood and a settled relationship of her own, its not likely to be the best of times.

I'm not defending her behaviour. She doesn't appear to have the qualities I would want in a friend.

However, as you've been friends 15 years, I'm assuming she has other strengths.
If these outweigh her faults, great. If they don't, end the friendship. What there is no point in doing is expecting her to be something she's not and never has been.

iammumtoone

I actually feel a bit sorry for your friend. You have been friends with her for 15 years and it sounds like she has always been like that, if you don't like how she is, then don't be friends with her or at least tell her that you have an issue with how she behaves giving her chance to put it right, from her point of view, how is she suppose to know she is upsetting you if you don't tell her.

I can't remember asking any of my friends about their pregnancies at 20 weeks, I waited for them to bring up the subject, at this stage I never wanted to mention anything just in case there was bad news, once I had been told of the scan and seen the picture (again waiting for them to bring this up). I felt more comfortable asking how they were.

Its a bit rude asking to be a god mother but maybe this was just her way of putting across its something she would like. You say she is not interested in children so perhaps she was thinking that she wouldn't be on your list as you wouldn't think she would like to, so she was just informing you that she would be pleased to be asked IF you wanted to.

DigForVictory

Let the waggon roll.

You have things to do & by the time you get around to pondering whether or not to formally baptise your new arrival, she may have stepped up to the mark & been a sight more helpful. Do you know about admissions policies of primary schools where you currently live? (It's usually not essential study material at this stage, unless you wanted to be absolutely certain of a place at a specific Catholic school, at which point, your pal's position within the church *may* be useful.)

In addition to which, forgive me for mentioning this, there may have been an emergency baptism in the hospital making any formal declarations to God much less urgent & much more social.

Let it all roll. Give yourself time to get on with more pressing things, (how is the name game going?), and see what happens.

Best of luck!

enthusiasticsaver

I think it is a bit premature to start talking about christenings and godparents before baby even born. Are you religious and would you have one? Many don't these days or have something called a naming ceremony.

Personally I would not mention it again. If she brings it up again just say it is too early to think about. She may change once the baby is here and become the most doting surrogate aunty of all time. If she pays no attention once you have had your baby you can quite legitimately say you think someone who will be actively involved would be better. Your life will change considerably after your baby is here and you may find you do not see much of her anyway. I found that after having my children our circle of friends changed and when early nights, lower income and the hassle of babysitters meant I could not go out for nights out like I used to my single friends drifted away.

fierystormcloud

Dird wrote: »

She's 35, her clock is almost over and her latest romance ended in failure.
Thinking/asking about your child might make her feel depressed so she avoids it

But she wants to be the baby's Godparent. :huh:

If she is showing no interest in the baby, then why the desperation to be Godparent? Just to say she is?

enginesuck wrote: »

Are you religious ?

if not I wouldn't bother having a Christening or Godparents !

Why not? Millions of people who don't give a stuff about Church or Religion have their baby Christened in Church, and/or get married in Church. Massively hypocritical IMO, but plenty of people do it. :cool:

FBaby wrote: »

It sounds like she is just a very self-absorbed sort of person. If she doesn't like kids and not have much experience of pregnancy (clearly not herself), then it is no surprise she wouldn't be much concern with yours especially if you are not showing much yet.

Also, pregnancy is a massive major event for the person who is going through it, so I think it has a tendency to make you expect people to be more interested than they would be in regards to news about work, home, partners etc... and makes you notice more those people who tend to be more concerned about talking about themselves than others.

Personally, I can't cope with self-absorbed people and you might find when your baby is born that you prefer the company of other mums especially as time will be much more limited.

The Godmother statement might have been nothing more than her being polite, so would leave it and you can decide as time come close, but frankly, if you are not 100% sure, I wouldn't consider it.

Agree with much of this. Also, IMO this woman has no interest in the OP or her baby, or her pregnancy, she just want the 'prestige' of being Godparent, because it makes her feel important and special.

KiKi

I never ask my friends how their pregnancy is going. It's not that I don't care about them, but a) if I were pregnant I'd like people to remember that I'm still me, I'm not defined by being pregnant; b) many of my friends have said how people only ever ask them about their kids / baby / pregnancy and forget about them, and c) as a single person with no kids I don't want every conversation with my friends with kids to be about their children. It's boring.

But I completely agree with Detroit. She's always been like this, you've not told her / dealt with it, and now you're surprised that she's still self-centred.

Either have a conversation with her about it, and give her some honest feedback, and talk about how things can be better - or don't complain!

I also agree that her being self-centred doesn't make her a narcissist. I know there are some people on these boards who bring up narcissism every time someone who's 'selfish' is described but, really, they are not the same thing.

If you've suddenly realised what she's like and don't like it, then either speak to her in an effort to save the friendship, or end it. She doesn't sound like that great a friend, but I do think you're overreacting by expecting her to be something she's never been.

KiKi

GlasweJen

You basically want her to ask so you can say everythings ok, you don't want to discuss problems you're having (are you even having any?) and you don't have news because you've not had a scan? I think this makes you sound more narcissistic than your descriptions of your friend.