overthinking or pregnancy hormones?!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I wouldn't ask somebody how their pregnancy was going for a number of reasons.

Firstly, a large part of it consists of piles, heartburn, backache, itchy stretchmarks, puking, kicks that make you feel like your pelvic floor is being used as a trampoline and trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, which isn't interesting to anybody but the parents-to-be.

At 20 weeks, I'm guessing that the scan has either just been performed or is due in the next week or so; seeing as, despite a lot of people's assumption that it's only done to find out the baby's sex, it's a serious medical investigation that can reveal terrible news - so it's not appropriate to effectively ask 'so, is it healthy or not?'. And if somebody has found out the sex, they generally tell you - if they don't, then they either don't know or don't want you to know.

Thirdly, whilst it feels like the Most Important Thing In The World to the parents (because it is to them), it's not for anybody else. Quite a few people have done it before.


Yes, there's a baby inside. Cool. Congratulations. To be honest, though, I'm going to be more interested (after the initial newborn 'oh, s/he's beautiful') once the kid is old enough to start arguing back.


There's also the consideration that, like many people who haven't had a baby themselves or been around lots of pregnant women, that she has no idea, experience or knowledge about the things you expect her to know about and ask you about. When I had my children, I'd never even seen a newborn baby before the eldest was handed to me; there was no way I would have known before pregnancy that people can have moodswings (although I didn't, I was more concerned with emergency admissions, keeping my job and finding somewhere to live with the first and making it home after the school run before I chucked up on the pavement with the second) - all I'd seen on TV was stuff about them all wanting to paint walls and eat weird pizza flavours before dramatically giving birth easily, safely and with zero blood, complications or infection in burning buildings, cars or various other disaster areas, all whilst dumped flat on their backs. I didn't know that there were physical or emotional issues or that if I didn't psychically know about them that I'd be in trouble for not knowing to ask about them.



In addition to those points, there's also the thought at your age that your friend could be thinking she's never going to have a chance to do it herself. So it could be distressing for her.

There's also the point that, going by your post, you've moved out just a short time ago and you're already pregnant. Now, you might have been seriously dating for ten years whilst not living together, but on the face of it, that sounds fast. If somebody is not sure whether their friend is going to be hurt but doesn't want to upset them, it can be an attempt to not bring the subject up to try and keep the conversation going in a different direction.

She could be the best person in the world once the baby's born, when the baby is a stroppy toddler, a whirlwind of eight year old activity or the one person the LO trusts when they are an angst-ridden 15 year old.

Or not - just don't make long reaching decisions just because she hasn't made you feel like a princess over the two months since you've told her you're pregnant, just at the time when she's had a relationship end.

enginesuck

Are you religious ?


if not I wouldn't bother having a Christening or Godparents !

Dird

She's 35, her clock is almost over and her latest romance ended in failure.
Thinking/asking about your child might make her feel depressed so she avoids it

Kaye1

Do you want her as a role model to your child?

newcook

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I wouldn't ask somebody how their pregnancy was going for a number of reasons.

Firstly, a large part of it consists of piles, heartburn, backache, itchy stretchmarks, puking, kicks that make you feel like your pelvic floor is being used as a trampoline and trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, which isn't interesting to anybody but the parents-to-be.

wow! Ive never expected her to treat me like a princess! just a general 'hows things going' would suffice - much like when I ask her how her parents are etc
even if I had suffered with the things you listed I wouldn't go into detail, just a 'yep, its all great!' as I know its not interesting to anyone.

the more I think of it, she's definitely got narcissistic tendencies - I just remembered she wore a cream dress to her brothers wedding the other year and a few people had commented that she looked as if she was getting married!

newcook

Dird wrote: »

She's 35, her clock is almost over and her latest romance ended in failure.
Thinking/asking about your child might make her feel depressed so she avoids it

she's never wanted children and has even spoke about being sterilised so I dont think its that.

AylesburyDuck

newcook wrote: »

wow! Ive never expected her to treat me like a princess! just a general 'hows things going' would suffice - much like when I ask her how her parents are etc
even if I had suffered with the things you listed I wouldn't go into detail, just a 'yep, its all great!' as I know its not interesting to anyone.

the more I think of it, she's definitely got narcissistic tendencies - I just remembered she wore a cream dress to her brothers wedding the other year and a few people had commented that she looked as if she was getting married!

newcook wrote: »

she's never wanted children and has even spoke about being sterilised so I dont think its that.

Probably a wise choice given that narcissism and motherhood dont appear to blend well, it would red flag her being a godmother as well.
People change as they get older, friendships drift, your already having doubts about her so i doubt she'll be much of a loss.

Pollycat

I agree with those posters who say your friend shouldn't have asked to be godmother.
I think it's presumptuous.

I am godmother to my sister's 2 kids and my friend's eldest and I was delighted to be asked.

Not sure about her motives for not asking about you and the bump.
I've never had children myself but always took an active interest in my sister's and friend's progress and problems during their pregnancies.

You may find that you're no longer close now there is a big difference in your lives.

I'd put the issue of godparents on the back burner & see how you and your partner feel when that time comes.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

newcook wrote: »

the more I think of it, she's definitely got narcissistic tendencies - I just remembered she wore a cream dress to her brothers wedding the other year and a few people had commented that she looked as if she was getting married!

Something else I obviously have little knowledge of - wedding etiquette - I've seen plenty of wedding outfits and pretty summer dresses that are cream, and my brother & bride bought me a white outfit for their wedding (I wasn't a bridesmaid, her sisters were), so I presume that they didn't, either, as they apparently bought me a Narcissist Costume for the day. Either that, or it might have had more to do with my entire wardrobe consisting of black, red or dark green/purple and they wanted me to have one pretty dress for special occasions.


I know quite a few people who, although they had always said they didn't want children, when it actually came to the time where they realised the choice was being taken away from them, they either realised that they'd changed their minds, said they'd always wanted them but didn't want to admit it to themselves or anybody else or were sad that they'd never met the person who they would have been prepared to consider it with. Same goes for those who have had children - even if they knew it wouldn't have been the right decision to have any more, realising it was likely to be too late to do it again made some very sad.



Maybe she misses you/is lonely - you've moved out, got pregnant almost immediately (if you didn't move out in the first place because you were pregnant), her boyfriend's gone - is she living alone for the first time in years? There's a cure for that, though - show her your comments about her on this thread.

Lily-Rose_3

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I think you're getting upset by the wrong thing. It's her request/command to be godmother that you should be objecting to!

You are invited to be a godparent. It is an honour that is bestowed upon you in recognition of your sterling personal strengths and abilities not because you are one half of a longstanding friendship.

Her command is in the same league as those bridezillas who say they'd like £50 cash from each person who accepts the invitation to their forthcoming wedding in order to finance the exotic honeymoon.

Asking someone to be a godparent is a gift which is in your hands and I find it rude in the extreme that your friend is behaving like a greedy, ill-mannered child - virtually "Gimme..."!

I agree. Rude rude rude. I would definitely not be letting someone be Godparent to my child if they just invited themselves to be. Sounds like this friendship may have run its course... Well, it needs a long sabbatical anyway. Maybe 6 months.

newcook wrote: »

wow! Ive never expected her to treat me like a princess! just a general 'hows things going' would suffice - much like when I ask her how her parents are etc
even if I had suffered with the things you listed I wouldn't go into detail, just a 'yep, its all great!' as I know its not interesting to anyone.

the more I think of it, she's definitely got narcissistic tendencies - I just remembered she wore a cream dress to her brothers wedding the other year and a few people had commented that she looked as if she was getting married!

Yeah I agree. She could have at least asked you now and again how the pregnancy is going.

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

Probably a wise choice given that narcissism and motherhood dont appear to blend well, it would red flag her being a godmother as well.
People change as they get older, friendships drift, your already having doubts about her so i doubt she'll be much of a loss.

This. ^ :T