Moving in with Mother

Kynthia

I think some of it depends on the personalities involved as I had friends that couldn't live easily with their parents when they were in their 20s when others could happily so I'd imagine some of that would be the same when the parent is in their 70/80s. Having a parent that has their own life and interests, respects your privacy, and doesn't expect to share all aspects of your life such as meals, holidays, how you raise your children, etc, would be very different to living with a parent who does expect those things or was difficult before they moved in.

However people often change as they get much older. My grandmother went from a confident person who'd traveled to the other side of the world on her own in early retirement but later on became demanding and fretful for days over a trip to the next town for an appointment. So even if living together isn't too bad at first things can change as people get older.

Their aren't easy solutions. I know people that are very happy in retirement flats as they still have their own space and independence, but the place is manageable (no gardening or stairs to manage). However there is usually a common lounge where people go for company and sometimes activities are arranged, the building is full of people of a similar age so there's an increased chance of making friends, so people are less lonely. Plus it will cater for people's needs once they start to find things more difficult, with alarms and a part time warden, visits from hairdressers and other service providers where it may be difficult for some residents to get out to see them, possibly a minibus to the supermarket for the weekly shop, etc. These places can have high service charges and be difficult to sell so they aren't the simple option but definitely worth considering.

csgohan4

Kynthia wrote: »

I think some of it depends on the personalities involved as I had friends that couldn't live easily with their parents when they were in their 20s when others could happily so I'd imagine some of that would be the same when the parent is in their 70/80s. Having a parent that has their own life and interests, respects your privacy, and doesn't expect to share all aspects of your life such as meals, holidays, how you raise your children, etc, would be very different to living with a parent who does expect those things or was difficult before they moved in.

However people often change as they get much older. My grandmother went from a confident person who'd traveled to the other side of the world on her own in early retirement but later on became demanding and fretful for days over a trip to the next town for an appointment. So even if living together isn't too bad at first things can change as people get older.

Their aren't easy solutions. I know people that are very happy in retirement flats as they still have their own space and independence, but the place is manageable (no gardening or stairs to manage). However there is usually a common lounge where people go for company and sometimes activities are arranged, the building is full of people of a similar age so there's an increased chance of making friends, so people are less lonely. Plus it will cater for people's needs once they start to find things more difficult, with alarms and a part time warden, visits from hairdressers and other service providers where it may be difficult for some residents to get out to see them, possibly a minibus to the supermarket for the weekly shop, etc. These places can have high service charges and be difficult to sell so they aren't the simple option but definitely worth considering.

Not everyone will share their true private life with you. Who will wilfully mention that their mother is a pain in the butt at home and wish she moved out, how politically incorrect that would be.


Naturally they will say it's going well and they would do it again. Saving face comes to mind or fear of what others will say.

Detroit

csgohan4 wrote: »

It is all easy saying it's great for mother to live with you and spouting most mothers would want to live with their children.


Clearly you do not know what happens behind closed doors.


Theory and practice are very different, as some of the posters here have alluded to. Lack of privacy, being treated like a child, guilt tripped in involving them in their social lives and did I mention privacy.


You mother becomes disabled from a stroke and you both work full time with x kids. Who's going to look after her? She is above the threshold to have free carers/ Residential home from the council. Are you going to pay for it since you coerced her into selling her home and she is now under deprivation of assets.


Or what about the interfering mother who keeps spoiling your children and driving your wife up the wall with wanting to raise the kids your own way and not being spoilt brats.


What about that romantic trip you promised your wife/husband on your anniversary, oh wait you need to bring your mother on a 14 hour flight to Maldives and pay another couple of thousand and look after her during the trip because her mobility is limited and she needs help when going to toilet


Or your poor wife/husband who has not to not only look after the kids but also their mother in law who needs a bath and her behind wiped everytime she goes for a toilet well.


She/he ends up leaving you for your neighbour because of the stress because you bury your head at work and come home late

There's a difference being cynical and reality


Back to OP, what does your mother say or want? Can you work around her. I would not recommend staying with your mother, not because of the current issues but future ones.

You have no way of knowing the experience I or anyone else has of this situation, unless it is shared here. As I recall, I indicated nothing about my own circumstances.

My reference to cynicism was in response to the early posts suggesting that there was no advantage to the OPs mother, and implying that the OP would somehow profit from the arrangement at the expense of the mother.
I am of the opinion that this suggestion has numerous benefits to the MOTHER, which was the point at issue.

I in no way minimised the sacrifices required by the OP, in fact referred to them in my own post, which I note you chose to edit out when quoting me!

Clearly people have experience of arrangements of this nature that have been detrimental to the life of the adult child, and offer a useful perspective for the OP to consider.

However this does not negate my view that the arrangement can benefit the parent, or my challenge of the suggestion that the OP is taking advantage of the parent.

Quite the reverse in fact.

Kim_kim

Mojisola wrote: »

And what about if the adult child dies and the widow/widower gets a new partner?

Parent of the deceased is now living in a house with two unrelated people and unable to move because their money was handed over to buy the house.

Apart from this, divorce has to be considered.

It's best the mother has her name on the deeds to the new house, either a 50:50 split or equal thirds.

Mojisola

Kim_kim wrote: »

It's best the mother has her name on the deeds to the new house, either a 50:50 split or equal thirds.

There needs to be an 'escape plan' built into the agreement so that if things don't work out, the way to split things is arranged in advance.

Having a way can have the strange effect of making the whole arrangement easier to live with - it's often the feeling of being trapped that makes it harder to get through difficult patches.