Moving in with Mother

Detroit

suki1964 wrote: »

My parents moved in with us and tbh, worst thing we have ever done

Dad has since died. Mum is still with us. And she's lonely

We have our own lives, our own friends, our own hobbies. I don't particularly want to bring my mother along to join in our social lives

Then there's the fact you no longer can have a private life

An example, me and he had a domestic last night. Next thing I'm hearing of mother is " well what am I going to get to eat? Sooner I'm dead the better"

Just don't do it

You may love and worship the ground she walks on right now. Give it a few years......

I think people who assume that these arrangements benefit the adult child and take advantage of the parent, fail to understand the sacrifices made.

Any financial benefit to the younger generation can be insignificant compared to what can be given up, and I agree it should be carefully considered from the OPs perspective.

As someone else said, Age UK do indeed have information on this on their website, which is worth a read.

I admire you for it Suki, and the OP too.

suki1964

Detroit wrote: »

I think people who assume that these arrangements benefit the adult child and take advantage of the parent, fail to understand the sacrifices made.

Any financial benefit to the younger generation can be insignificant compared to what can be given up, and I agree it should be carefully considered from the OPs perspective.

As someone else said, Age UK do indeed have information on this on their website, which is worth a read.

I admire you for it Suki, and the OP too.

Don't admire me

I was guilt tripped into it. Last of the family still in the uk and we decided to move 500 miles. She begged and pleaded. I said I was only a couple of hours flight away, no good. I suggested and found a smaller house in the same village , no good.


One thing is that she also reckonises she's made the mistake. Yes it was all very well when step dad was alive as he need 24/7 care and I took a lot of that burden. Yes it was all good when she had a stroke and cancer, I was there. But she's fit and able now and we clash

The complete lack of privacy is the hardest thing. We are just in our 50's and have lived like this for 11 years. No we haven't christened every room in the house. Indeed we book nights away. And rows, we have them in car parks, it's more private

then of course there's being treated as the child to contend with. At my age I still don't know how to hang out washing and DH doesn't have a clue about anything. She always knows best, we are always wrong. It's a very toxic atmosphere

So don't admire me at all because I'm in a situation I never wanted but didn't have the balls to stop So I make the best of it and try to stop myself from strangling her . It's no wonder my dog is old before his time, I walked the legs off him to get out and calm down

mozza78

suki1964 wrote: »

Don't admire me

I was guilt tripped into it. Last of the family still in the uk and we decided to move 500 miles. She begged and pleaded. I said I was only a couple of hours flight away, no good. I suggested and found a smaller house in the same village , no good.


One thing is that she also reckonises she's made the mistake. Yes it was all very well when step dad was alive as he need 24/7 care and I took a lot of that burden. Yes it was all good when she had a stroke and cancer, I was there. But she's fit and able now and we clash

The complete lack of privacy is the hardest thing. We are just in our 50's and have lived like this for 11 years. No we haven't christened every room in the house. Indeed we book nights away. And rows, we have them in car parks, it's more private

then of course there's being treated as the child to contend with. At my age I still don't know how to hang out washing and DH doesn't have a clue about anything. She always knows best, we are always wrong. It's a very toxic atmosphere

So don't admire me at all because I'm in a situation I never wanted but didn't have the balls to stop So I make the best of it and try to stop myself from strangling her . It's no wonder my dog is old before his time, I walked the legs off him to get out and calm down

Refreshingly honest opinion. I fear I may end up in your situation.. My father looks after my mum but neither in the best health with my mum being blind. Both my sisters have their own families to contend with so I can envisage a situation where if my father dies I have to move back to the UK and look after mum. As much as I love her I know that living with her will not be easy in the slightest.

Mossfarr

Oh Suki1964 you've cheered me up no end!
I am in exactly the same situation and its good to hear that someone else knows how it feels. Nobody will ever understand how difficult it can be until they actually live it.
We got into this situation after my Mum & Dad divorced, basically Mum went to pieces and couldn't afford to keep her beloved house so we agreed to sell our house and move in with her. It worked ok at first but we've retired now and Mum is in poor health and its a nightmare. It was also very tough on our two children, we found that we would discipline them and then Mum would wade in and have a go as well. Or she would do the opposite and completely undermine anything we tried to do.
I'm with you on the advice given - DON'T DO IT.

OP - Move house to live closer by all means but do not give up your own home. Your Mum is responsible for her own life. You need to stand back, be there to give support, but let her sort out her own life

(One other situation you may not have considered - what if Mum meets someone and decides to remarry? How will this affect your family? Will you be happy if another 'husband' moves in)?

csgohan4

Detroit wrote: »

The suggestion would help mom if she doesn't want to live alone and wants to live with the OP.
Many lonely elderly people would love to live with their children.
If OPs mom isn't one of them, presumably the idea wouldn't be mooted in the first place. They're not going to force her surely.

Other advantages to mom include no more worries about bills, house maintenance or fear of having an accident with no one around.

Possibly also meals cooked, and laundry and housework done, which may be especially important as she gets frailer, when so many older people don't eat properly and struggle with chores.


Living with adult children is a natural way of life in many cultures, and works to the advantage of both parties.

I really don't understand the cynicism around the OPs post.

AFF8879 wrote: »

100% agree with Detroit. I think it's a shame the first posters were so cynical. 99.9% of mothers I know love nothing more than being around / fussing after their kids - and if there's grandkids / possibility of grandkids and being around them every day - that takes care of the extra 0.01% :-p

kimplus8 wrote: »

I think it's wonderful that you want to have your mum living with you, we are so far removed from families staying together and offspring looking after the older generation when they need it. Is the place your looking at a huge home or a home with separate annex for your mum?
In terms of inheritance I think there may be some tax implications if the sale of the property is seen as being gifted to you for a bigger home, but I'm not totally clued up on this, I'm sure someone with more insight will be along.
K+8

It is all easy saying it's great for mother to live with you and spouting most mothers would want to live with their children.


Clearly you do not know what happens behind closed doors.


Theory and practice are very different, as some of the posters here have alluded to. Lack of privacy, being treated like a child, guilt tripped in involving them in their social lives and did I mention privacy.


You mother becomes disabled from a stroke and you both work full time with x kids. Who's going to look after her? She is above the threshold to have free carers/ Residential home from the council. Are you going to pay for it since you coerced her into selling her home and she is now under deprivation of assets.


Or what about the interfering mother who keeps spoiling your children and driving your wife up the wall with wanting to raise the kids your own way and not being spoilt brats.


What about that romantic trip you promised your wife/husband on your anniversary, oh wait you need to bring your mother on a 14 hour flight to Maldives and pay another couple of thousand and look after her during the trip because her mobility is limited and she needs help when going to toilet


Or your poor wife/husband who has not to not only look after the kids but also their mother in law who needs a bath and her behind wiped everytime she goes for a toilet well.


She/he ends up leaving you for your neighbour because of the stress because you bury your head at work and come home late

There's a difference being cynical and reality


Back to OP, what does your mother say or want? Can you work around her. I would not recommend staying with your mother, not because of the current issues but future ones.

Mossfarr

csgohon4,
Well put - I with everything you've posted, you obviously have personal experience.
OP, There are so many other ongoing daily struggles I'm sure those of us who have experience of this situation could go on all day but I'm sure that by now you've got the message!
Put your wife and children first.

csgohan4

Mossfarr wrote: »

csgohon4,
Well put - I with everything you've posted, you obviously have personal experience.
OP, There are so many other ongoing daily struggles I'm sure those of us who have experience of this situation could go on all day but I'm sure that by now you've got the message!
Put your wife and children first.

Not all from personal experience, but more from a pragmatist's point of view and potential pitfalls.


There's always two sides of the story and yes mother would be delighted to look after the kids and be part of the bigger family, but the novelty wears off for the hosting family when they want to do things they otherwise could when alone.


Compromise is the best here, live closer or sheltered accommodation. Don't forget Life line in case anything happens in future.

teddysmum

There are the children to consider, too


I loved one of my grandmothers, who was blind, but dreaded her annual extended stay at Christmas.


She used to change from a thoughtful independent person into a moaning demanding misery, who demanded that she always be put first and took away the independence of my sister and I , as she shared our room and grumbled if we dared to talk when in bed and frequently asked what we were talking about.


When back home, she went back to being lovely granny...until the next visit.


When her old house was demolished and she was given a new council bungalow, I moved in with her to help her find her bearings, but again, she changed to a demanding person and I couldn't bear to stay long.

exiled_red

I am finding this thread fascinating I am imagining that this is something that will probably become my future in a few years time. The illnesses and death of some family members and friends close to my parents age has made me start to think about this situation for myself.

Firstly if I were in the OP's position and given the options the OP presented I think that I would look to rent your mom's house out and use her savings as money to put towards a joint home. This gives her security of a home that she could return to if one of the scenarios described by the others above occurs, it would provide her with a regular steady income which could be used to pay for home care visits later if her health deteriorates and she can stay living with you but you need extra help. From your point of view if she is happy to put most of her savings in then you will only owe a similar amount of money to the bank as you do on your current property but would have a lower loan to value, and still have the option to sell your mom's house at a later date. From a financial / legal point of view I imagine that it would make sense to draw up some kind of agreement determining who owns what and what the rights and responsibilities are, of the various parties. In this way I guess it would be like buying a house with a friend or business partner, which may seem unnecessary but all this could have implications for you all if your mom at some point needs care that you can't provide.

Secondly (without wanting to hijack the thread) I have seen a number of people sharing their experiences of parents living with them and I was wondering if I could ask what they would do differently based on what they know now, or if they could offer any advice from my likely situation:

I am an only child with elderly parents who are fine for now but in a few years time might need help, it may be something as simple as not being able to climb the stairs or may be more serious. I live 200 miles away so based on suggestions above the options as I see them are 1) they go into care, 2) they live near me, 3) they live with me.

My grandmother had to go into care so the first is a scenario we'd all like to avoid if possible. The 2nd option is complicated, given the difference in property prices where I live and where they live there is no way they could sell their house and buy something near to me (my small 2 bedroom flat cost twice what they would get if they sold their 3 bedroom house). Which leaves option 3, the flat we live in would in no way be big enough and while my wife and I want to move to a house in the area (in the next few years) and could afford something big enough for ourselves and the kids we'd like to have in that time, something big enough to accomodate my parents as well would almost certainly require some financial contribution from them and place different requirements on a house search. A house with a 'granny flat' seems like the ideal situation given the likely circumstances to me, but as I say this situation is hopefully a few years away but it is something I would prefer to be prepared for so any advice anyone could offer would be most welcome.

Mojisola

Mossfarr wrote: »

One other situation you may not have considered - what if Mum meets someone and decides to remarry? How will this affect your family? Will you be happy if another 'husband' moves in?

And what about if the adult child dies and the widow/widower gets a new partner?

Parent of the deceased is now living in a house with two unrelated people and unable to move because their money was handed over to buy the house.