what to tell my son re assessment?

iammumtoone

This might not be the correct board but I try to stay away from the families board!.

My nine year old has an assessment coming up at the hospital. I am not sure what they are assessing him for, think it is just an initial consultation? and he may need further appointments, if they decide further assessment necessary? Is that how it works?

He has some issues which a child of his age shouldn't but apart from that he is very bright, unfortunately that doesn't shown up in his school work (part of the issue).

I need advise of what to tell him he needs to go to the hospital for? he is not going to understand/like it, his self esteem is already really low (he calls himself stupid all the time, he really isn't, but due to his school work and actions he is at the lower end of his class). He will hate it if he thinks he needs to speak to someone regarding this. Getting him to the doctors for the referral was bad enough, he now won't to go to the doctors again, last time he wouldn't go in, had a massive tantrum outside the door previous to that he was always fine about going.

I also have a problem that I do not want to talk to the doctor about the problems he has in front of him, he is not going to like me telling her that he can't dress himself, has toileting problems etc. But on the other hand he wont like being asked to leave the room as will know full well I will be taking about him! Any suggestions how to handle this?

Finally I want some advise on which aspects of his behaviour to mention to them. He needs help, I know he does, I know he is not like the average nine year old. I am torn between telling them the whole story including the tantrums or just concentrating on the other issues which are unrelated to behaviour. I have been here before, we have been referred previously (he was too young to fully understand what was happening then so it was easier) they put the problem down to bad parenting and the fact me and his father split up (school supported this as he is good as gold at school, still is, its only at home he displays the behavioual issues) I was sent on a course for parenting.

I do not want the same thing to happen, I know something is not right, so would it be best if I left the out the aspects that could be down to parenting. I do reconise that some of the issues could be this but there are others as well, and I don't want everything put down to parenting again, meaning he doesn't get help.

I have only got one chance at this meeting I want it to go right for him. I do not want to be fobbed off again.

Sorry for the essay, I am really worried about this, last time I cried for weeks after being made to feel a right failure as a parent and blamed myself for his issues due me splitting with his father (who was abusive).

Thanks for reading if you have got this far.

elsien

What does he think the reason for the referral is at the moment - as in, when he went to the GP, what did you discuss then, and was he present?

iammumtoone

elsien wrote: »

What does he think the reason for the referral is at the moment - as in, when he went to the GP, what did you discuss then, and was he present?

He doesn't know about the referral yet, I haven't told him anything. The GP didn't mention a referral in front of him, just asked me to bring in some information and referral was done after that via a phone appointment.

The first time I went to the doctors on my own, she then asked to see him. I asked her the question I have here "what do I tell him he is coming for" her reply was, tell him its just so she could meet him, so that is what I did.

He hated it, bless him. She had him sat next to him and me in a far corner of the room. He was so nervous, he fiddles consistently and never sits still anyway (even when he is relaxed) so this was five times worse. I have never seen him like that

She asked him some questions which he didn't like I could tell he thought that he was being "tested/quizzed". He didn't mention it after we left, I didn't say anything either (maybe a mistake, but I know my son and if I brought it up I knew it would cause a tantrum about what I put him through - everything is always my fault!). Like I said I can't even get him through the doctors surgery doors anymore now. Luckily the issue we had to go about we were able to see a pharmacist in the end.

iammumtoone

Thanks elsien you have given me an idea. Perhaps I will start the conversation saying remember when we went to meet the doctor and she asked you some questions? She has asked another doctor to speak to us and we will be going to she her on xxxx.

The other issue I have is I am unable to get the day off work, they will give me the time off for the appointment but I will have to go back straight after I know how upset/confused he will be afterwards and it is going to be awful me having to drop him straight off after at the childcare providers, as he hates it there at the best of times

Savvy_Sue

As for what you tell the doctor but don't want to talk about outright in front of your child, I'd write it all down, and see if you can send the letter in beforehand, but take a copy with you. First point: my son does not like me talking about him, and there are some things you need to know which knock his confidence.

Just one question: you say he's good as gold at school, BUT he can't dress himself - how does he cope with PE? At 9 the expectation would be that they don't need help ...

Better_Days

I agree that it would be a good idea to write a letter to the health professional prior to the appointment. I'd also include the whole story everything that concerns you, that you think your son struggles with, is not typical for his age, whether or not that you feel it is relevant.

Another option would be to ring up and explain the circumstances and ask for a telephone appointment, or a face to face appointment on your own, prior to the assessment with your son present.

Would it help to prepare your son for the appointment by taking him there beforehand to show him the building, reception, toilets etc so he knows what to expect?

Can you take a half day annual leave so you can be with your son after the assessment? Or does your employer have an HR dept where you can discuss whether or not some paid time off is available?

If your son behaves well at school is there a trusted teacher who could help you explain to your son about the assessment?

Difficult to advise more without knowing the type of assessment your son has been offered. I hope it goes well for you both.

iammumtoone

thank you, that is an excellent idea to write a letter, it will give me chance to put down what I want to say in my own time.

savvy sue - he is separated from the rest of the class when getting changed for PE he didn't tell me this (sure he is embarrassed about it) the school didn't think to tell me either. I only found out when the doctor asked me to get a letter from the teacher about his school work, it was mentioned in there. He can eventually undress/dress himself, he is very slow and gets confused about which order to put his clothes on. I know he often misses activities straight after PE as he hasn't finished getting changed, he also gets good points knocked off due to contently losing his PE kit. Its not fair really I don't think he can help any of this, no wonder his confidence is low.

Better Days - no unfortunately one person in the department is already off that day. It is a rule that only one person is allowed time off in any department - no exceptions. I took in the letter and am lucky they have allowed time off for the appointment.

warby68

Have you thought about changing the appointment date to one you can take off work?

I'm sure you would benefit from being able to give this undivided attention before, during and after and you might be able to arrange something that your son likes as part of the 'outing' and give him some distraction rather than laser focus on the bad thing.

Without knowing really what your son's issues are and what type of referral you are having it is difficult to advise. I had to take one of my sons ,at age 12 I think, for a general pediatric referral - there were 2 specific issues to be checked but the consultant treated the first appointment like a general review and covered all sorts as well as the issues of concern.

I know he was quite a bit older and the issues were purely physical but he was very anxious. I told him, truthfully, that I didn't know what format the appointment would take and that we would both have to go with the flow if they wanted to see us together or apart and that questions might be asked that he didn't like but it was their job. For the physical parts of the exam he was given full privacy and he was given the option to speak to consultant alone. Not sure what age that would apply from though.

In complex cases I am sure they are used to setting up communication protocols that do not aggravate the child. There must be plenty of medical things you simply would not mention in front of a young child but that need to be discussed with parents.

iammumtoone

warby68 wrote: »

Have you thought about changing the appointment date to one you can take off work?

I did think of this but you are only allowed two appointments before you are taken off out of the queue :eek: At least this one, although not ideal we can make. I am scared if I cancel this and the next one comes through were we can't go, thats it, we don't get another one! I will make sure when I collect him from the childminders we go out for tea and spend the evening together somewhere.

Thanks for the info that is really helpful. I think we are going for a general pediatric referral as well. After your first appointment did you have to return for a more specific appointment.

warby68

In our area, phoning to rearrange would not count as a cancellation - worth a try maybe.

No, we were sorted with the one appointment - I have since taken him for an ENT consult and I must say the hospital staff were excellent with children- very matter of fact and smiley and just getting on with it without any drama. My son was older but there were plenty of scared little ones there and also happy ones who knew the staff and clearly didn't mind coming back.

iammumtoone

warby68 wrote: »

In our area, phoning to rearrange would not count as a cancellation - worth a try maybe.
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The letter didn't read that way, but I will give them a call to check, thank you.