what to tell my son re assessment?

Rolandtheroadie

Please let any professional you meet know everything. It's just took us around 4 years to get a diagnosis, and now, hopefully, the extra support at school that may be needed.
It also lets us know what we need to educate ourselves about.

Again, the letters always mentioned removal if you didn't respond, but we called up to change appointments a couple of times.

[Deleted User]

I only have 2 things to add really, most kids who are difficult at home can be angels at school and with other people. And have you spoken to the head teacher about his ongoing problems at school?

iammumtoone

venison wrote: »

I only have 2 things to add really, most kids who are difficult at home can be angels at school and with other people. And have you spoken to the head teacher about his ongoing problems at school?

Yes I know, I think that is kids in general! but what it does mean, what I have been told by the school and medical professions is that if the behaviour is only shown in one setting (ie home) then there is nothing medically wrong, its parental This is why I think its best not to mention it and just stick to the issues where it can't be/unlikely to be parental. Otherwise I will be in the same situation as last time just sent on a course which while interesting hasn't really helped.

I haven't spoken to the head I get get referred to SENCO who again takes the view it is all parental (as no behaviour issues at school) . With other issues they just put it down to he needs more time, according to them he still needs to learn how to dress/un dress. I just hope the doctor doesn't see it that way. I can see me going on a course on how to teach my child to dress himself The fact he can't write properly, again they just put it down to needs more time, he is nine :mad:

I am so worried I suppose all these things can be put down as before to parenting. I must be a really bad Mum if I am unable to toilet train a child or teach a child how to dress? I mean how do others achieve this? Thats the other issue they site the fact he is an only child to substantiate that it might be me as I can't prove I am able to do these things with another child.

I really feel I want to cancel the appointment. From every angle ex MIL when he has an accident with her / father / school / previous appointments its all put down to my parenting skills. I don't think I can take hearing that again, all I can do, is do my best and muddle along. I know I am not a perfect mother, who is, but I also know I am not that bad I am just at my wits end what to try next.

suki1964

My heart really goes out to you

I've seen you post over the years about the difficulties you are having with your lad and how you struggle being a mumtoone and doing it alone

I don't have any wise words to offer, only a shared experience of my 9 year old gs. You have to nag him constantly to get dressed, to get his breakfast. All I ever hear from his is "where's my" as he drops everything at his feet and can't remember where his feet were at the time

He has to be sat down and leaned over to get his homework done. Like me he still writes an S back to front and struggles with b's d's p's q's ( we aren't blood related btw)

He is a very intelligent lad, he reads constantly, is good with spellings, yet his maths is dire

He's also still known to have accidents and his underpants are skid mark central

Thing is he has to be doing something all the time, he just gets so involved in what he's doing its like their is no room in his brain to do the mundane. The mundane just isn't important to him. Aged 2 his little sister can hold a knife and fork and cut up her own food, he still struggles. She gets her shoes on the right way, he still gets it wrong and still needs Velcro

So for me reading about your boy, you know the professionals may have a point, he may just need more time to get there

I'm not saying your son doesn't have problems, he may well do. Some of his problems just may not be problems, just you are caught in the whole of it and it's now just one big huge mess

Ask what the referral is for, ask what your GP has said. My old GP was very good at reading the letter out in full so you knew exactly why she was referring. Then write your notes to take outlining your concerns and why you are concerned

I wish you all the best, and you know, some kids do take more time then others

iammumtoone

Suki, thank you for posting you have made me feel better, like you say sometimes its difficult to see the woods from the trees.

Are you sure you don't know my son you have just described him to a tee.

skid mark central here as well that comes with its own issues son gets very sore due to this so I have to put cream on him it can't be nice for an intelligent nine year old to have to endure his mother putting cream on him, he is getting older and wants to be independent.

Maybe he does just need more time, I would prefer to hear this from the pediatrician than the school. The school have been saying that he needs more time for his writing for the last 3 years, it has not improved, how much time do they want to give it? I would understand if he gets the letters wrong all the time, that just means he needs to learn how to form them, but sometimes they are right, sometimes wrong even in the same word. For a child who reads as much as he does I would expect he knows which way to write them.

Dressing himself yes I can see more time might help here, it is only been noticed this year at school as last year I suppose more of them were at the same stage so I can see that a few more years he might 'get' it and catch up. The main problem is he knows himself that its not right and he gets frustrated about it. Last week when I asked him to put his other sock on, he pulled down his pants! I kindly said "no your sock" - so then he starts blaming me that I hadn't given him two socks, I had, the other one was next to him, so then he starts that the socks aren't clean! they are, I ask him to check they don't smell, starts shouting that they do smell (they smell of washing powder) etc this goes on. I walk away saying I will talk to him when he clams down, this escalates into a full blown tantrum. All this time it takes I am getting later for work. I have recently started to wonder if he starts an 'argument' on purpose, hes a clever child maybe he is causing a distraction to take away the fact he did something that after I pointed it out, knew he shouldn't do, I suspect he doesn't know why he did it so he puts the focus elsewhere. Hes a good boy at heart he never has tantrums over what I would call "normal" things like if he is told no over something. or told to stop using the computer etc.

I am going to write everything down (I will take alot of it from this thread and my other posts) and give it to the doctor to read so I don't forget anything. If they put it down to parenting again I will be stronger this time and make sure I actually get help that really helps.

suki1964

Ok so he gets sore. Let him. I've really had to " embarrass " my gs in private. I'd never do it publicly. We actually sat in the car just last week and I got the conversation around to 'farting' - great comedic value to a young lad, but we talked about follow through and mess in pants and how to ensure it didn't happen

I have that relationship with my gs. I can talk about farts and poos and we laugh and just mess around. He would die a death if I was to call him on his pants

Clothes, I dress down to his level. Like I say, Velcro on the shoes. Change of clothes sorted the night before and laid out If he has laces then it really is a hassle all day saying do your laces. That wrecks his confidence. I never set him up to fail


Have you asked your son about what smells dirty? With us on the scale, we can be very sensitive to smells, yet can't articulate what the smell is. We don't know if your lad is on the scale, but that could be something he's finding very frustrating trying to convey. If he knows it's 'dirty' he expects you to understand. However his dirty is just a smell he really doesn't like, not a normal dirty smell that you understand

Hence conflict

Another thing with GS is feel. If it doesn't feel right, he's not putting it next to his skin. I'm the same. I'm an adult and can clearly articulate, 9 years old, I can remember screaming the house down when mum shoved a wool dress on me.


Kids are strange critters. We expect them to be the same as us, but humans are complex. It's really difficult for us to relate to people who have different ideas then ourselves, even harder to accept that children do have their own minds

iammumtoone

thanks again Suki, he is sensitive with smells and textures (especially food) I will mention this to the doctor.

If I let him get too sore then he complains as it hurts too much. This is something that will improve with time, I realise that, he just needs longer to get the hang of toileting. The amount of times I catch him standing over the toilet ready to go, he will forget what he is doing start to look at/think of something else and forget to point in the right direction so it goes everywhere I never say anything just clear it up, he doesn't do it on purpose.

I am the same with clothing most of his trousers are pull up so no buttons or fasteners, he wears tracksuit bottoms a lot. All velcro shoes etc. When we visited the doctor she asked if he could do up laces I said no so she questioned why I hadn't taught him (but a lot of his friends can't do laces either so he is not behind with that).

kingfisherblue

For toileting, try baby wipes (put into a nappy bag in the bin, don't flush them). This can help to improve self cleaning and reduce soreness.

Put a sock into each shoe. Get everything ready the night before and encourage your son to help you. Pile clothes in the order they are put on (so underpants on top).

Both of these have helped my son. It doesn't improve overnight, but it does help over time.

iammumtoone

kingfisherblue wrote: »

For toileting, try baby wipes (put into a nappy bag in the bin, don't flush them). This can help to improve self cleaning and reduce soreness.

Put a sock into each shoe. Get everything ready the night before and encourage your son to help you. Pile clothes in the order they are put on (so underpants on top).

Both of these have helped my son. It doesn't improve overnight, but it does help over time.

Thank you, I know you have helped me before with some of your tips.

I did try baby wipes but he just keep putting them down the toilet and it caused a blockage. I might buy some of those flushable ones (although I will need a second mortgage for those :rotfl:)

I never thought of a sock in each shoe that's a good idea. I do lay his clothes out but getting him to help will be useful I can ask him to lay them in the reverse order so he learns by doing that as well.

These are the kind of parenting tips/help I need, unfortunately at the classes they don't offer that kind of specific advise as it is more of general behavoiur issues, what every parent faces.

Skibunny40

How is he with written instructions?

I was tearing my hair out with DD in the mornings, until we made a checklist in order of what needs to be done. Literally

1. Brush teeth
2. Wash face with facewash
3. Dry face with towel

You get the idea! If he's not good with words, maybe a little drawing of each item of clothing in the order he needs to put them on?

Hope it all goes okay - you seem like a very caring mum