Mum and sisters debt help.

SueDerbyshire

Hi, I am in an awkward position and need help.

My mum has recently told me that she gave my sister permission to open a couple of catalogues in my mums name and address, my sister has poor credit, however, my mum is now getting loads of reminder letters and has tried to help my sister out by paying some of these each month.

My sister is a single mum of an autistic son, he is just 4 years old and is severe, she is struggling to deal with him both the physical and mental side of things and this is why my mum feels sorry for her and let her open the catalogues so that she can buy what her son needs.

My sister pays very little towards the catalogues and leaves my mum to deal with the debt, which makes me really angry as my mum has COPD and isn't well herself. I said I will help out as much as I can but as its my sisters debt I will speak to her and suggest Step Change. My mum doesn't want me to tell my sister that I know what's going on because my sister will fall out with us and we are all she has.

It sounds like my sister owes thousands, my mum isn't sure how much but says she has opened at least 12 catalogues without my mum knowing. A big part of me is really angry with my sister for putting my mum through this and I want to tell her that, a part of me feels sorry for what my sister is going through, she has had a bad life so far and don't want to add to her sad life but I can't bury my head in the sand and not do something about it.

I've asked my mum to write a list of all the catalogues and what's owed, what my mum owes (I think she has a loan that she hasn't told me about) and what my mum has coming in. I know it's my sisters debt but it's all in my mums name and address and therefore my mums responsibility to pay it. My aim is to ask Step Change to help us work out a plan. Can anyone else think of anything I can do right now, my mum is getting herself in a mess and is really down.

Sorry it's so long and thank you for any help you can provide.

National_Debtline

Hi SueDerbyshire,


This is always a difficult situation when family are involved, and you are right in what you say and understand with regard to liability. I would say that your mom could order all 3 of her credit files and look at the damage properly and have a chat to your sister and making it clear that what she doesn't want any more debts building up. Your mom should be able to contact the catalogue companies and put some sort of hold/ freeze on the accounts to stop any more spending.


From there, you are absolutely right in what you say about doing a budget. Look at your moms affordability primarily and how much your sister (and you) can contribute to help, and then, if the debts still look unmanageable, contact Step Change and get some more advice. Good luck,


Laura
@natdebtline

Kim_13

Is your sister claiming all the benefits she/her son would be entitled to? PIP is designed to help pay for the extra costs associated with his condition. Child Benefit? Housing Benefit, Council Tax benefit? Citizen's Advice could be a good place to start if she isn't sure what she's entitled to.

Though it may be an uphill struggle to get your sister to hand over money for the repayments; as has been recognised, the debt is legally your mum's. As your sister has opened far more than the couple of catalogues she was given permission for, her morals may not compel her to pay up.

sourcrates

Hi,


Yes she defiantly needs to get copies of her credit report first off.


noddle.co.uk is free, as is clearscore, that will give you access to your Equifax report, she just then needs to go to the Experian website, and order a £2 statutory copy, (don't sign up for one of there promotions), she should then have a clearer idea of how many accounts have been opened.

After that it would depend on your mums own circumstances as to what her next move will be, stepchange is a good start, she may also want to consider writing to the creditors, explaining the situation, clearly and concisely, there is a slight chance some may write off some accounts, especially if multiple accounts with the same lender have been opened, that is a long shot, but its worth trying.

Stopping your sister from spending any more money is also a priority.

SueDerbyshire

Update. I have now received a list of all or most of the catalogues involved and the amounts owing. I was so upset yesterday, the figure comes to over £25,000 on catalogues alone. My mum has sent me a list and I can't help feeling that's not all the debt and my mum is hiding stuff from me.

Ever since I was a child I have had to help my mum out financially, my dad gave my mum very little housekeeping and although my mum had 4 children she still managed to hold down a part time job. My mum has always come to me to help sort out any problems and still does. A while ago I knew my mum was in trouble and my husband and I gave my mum £12,000 to help her out, this is a lot of money for us and was a big part of my pension savings but because my mum is ill I wanted her to spend her last few years comfortable. Obviously, this is not the case now so I am so angry with both my mum and sister for what they have done. My mums passes these problems onto me and I am the one that has the worry of resolving them and to be honest it is getting to me.

What will happen when my mum dies to the debt? She has no money and will only have a life insurance policy, this is to pay the funeral, I am right in guessing that any money, including the insurance policy will have to be out against the debt?

My mum is saying she doesn't need to get a credit report because she knows what is owed, I think she is hiding something, like a loan, she doesn't want me to know about.

I love my mum to bits and my sister and neither of them have had good lives but I can't keep helping them out like this, it isn't good for my own health and I know that sounds selfish but after a whole life of bailing them out and then doing it all again, I have become angry and can't see why I bother.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I want my mum to get my sister to sort this out but she says she has enough on. If I contact my sister about this we will all fall out which will make my mum even unhappier. It's such a mess.

Thank you all for your advice.

Mojisola

SueDerbyshire wrote: »

my mum feels sorry for her and let her open the catalogues so that she can buy what her son needs.

SueDerbyshire wrote: »

Update. I have now received a list of all or most of the catalogues involved and the amounts owing. I was so upset yesterday, the figure comes to over £25,000 on catalogues alone.

A while ago I knew my mum was in trouble and my husband and I gave my mum £12,000 to help her out, this is a lot of money for us and was a big part of my pension savings but because my mum is ill I wanted her to spend her last few years comfortable.

What will happen when my mum dies to the debt? She has no money and will only have a life insurance policy, this is to pay the funeral, I am right in guessing that any money, including the insurance policy will have to be out against the debt?

If your sister has spent that much on catalogues, she's bought far more stuff than she needs. Has she got a house full of stuff that could be sold to recoup some of the money?

Your Mum might be able to get the insurance policy set up so that it pays out to you and never becomes part of her estate. You can use it to pay for the funeral.

If she has no other money, her estate will be insolvent and no-one will have to pay the debts.

Whatever you do, don't hand over any more money to her!

sourcrates

Hi again,


What a terrible situation for you, but an increasingly common one unfortunately.


To answer your question, unsecured debt is last on the list of priorities, all other costs would be met first, funeral, etc, then if there was any money left in your mothers estate, for example, money from the sale of a house, any outstanding debt would be paid from that, anything left would go to whoever would be the executor of the will to distribute as your mother saw fit.


If there was no money in the estate, then the debts don't get paid, its that simple really.

If she has 25k of outstanding debt with these companies, and no payments are been made, things could get very messy, very quickly, has she a house, or does she rent ?

SueDerbyshire

I have no idea what my sister has been buying apart from setting up a sensory room for her soon, which I think was a great idea, also, like my mum, my sister loves to give, even if she can't afford it and I think a lot of the items have been given away for presents for different occasions. Going into her flat you wouldn't have guessed she had spent that much money on anything recently, she doesn't have the latest phone, tv, washing machine etc so doesn't have items she can sell or return.

When I gave my mum that lump sum, I told her that was the last of the money we can give her and this is true, without it affecting our own future badly and I'm not willing to do this, it isn't fair on my husband or my own family. However, I am willing to do what I can to sort this mess out but can't help thinking it's just a temporary fix. My mum said she has got all the catalogues blocked now but since then my sister has found one that wasn't blocked or she hadn't used before. There's just no stopping her and this is why I want my mum to get my sister to see all her debt on paper and have to contact every company herself, it may give her a kick up the back side when she sees it all in writing but not confident.

I will tell my mum to contact the Insurance company and ask them to switch it so that I get the pay out, I'm guessing the account will have to be put in my name, should my mum explain to the company that there is some debt and that's why she want ps me to have the payout?

I'm considering contacting the catalogues myself as my mum and make sure that blocks have been put on them, explain she can't pay and can they stop any interest. The trouble is, my mum has about £60 spare at the end of the month after everything, including shopping, has been paid off, between 18 catalogues, that's not a lot each per debt, that I can offer to pay off on her behalf. Would it be better to go to Step Change with all the information and ask them to sort it all out for us?

I'm sorry there's so many questions but just want to be clear on everything.

Thank you again for your help.

Tigsteroonie

SueDerbyshire wrote: »

My sister is a single mum of an autistic son, he is just 4 years old and is severe, she is struggling to deal with him both the physical and mental side of things and this is why my mum feels sorry for her and let her open the catalogues so that she can buy what her son needs.

Kim_13 wrote: »

Is your sister claiming all the benefits she/her son would be entitled to? PIP is designed to help pay for the extra costs associated with his condition. Child Benefit? Housing Benefit, Council Tax benefit? Citizen's Advice could be a good place to start if she isn't sure what she's entitled to.

It would actually be DLA for a 4 year old, rather than PIP. If your sister isn't already claiming, I'd suggest that you provide her with Cerebra's guide to claiming DLA as it provides the best advice that I've found with regards to autism. Once DLA is awarded she would also be entitled to a premium on her CTC; and if she isn't working, potentially Carers Allowance or a carer premium added to IS.

Ensure also that your sister is receiving all the practical support she can get - for example, if the child has physical/sensory needs that she is shopping to meet, it would be advisable for Occupational Therapy to become involved as some items can be provided by them (rather than bought). Receiving disability benefits would also open the door to opportunities for grants from, for example, The Family Fund to meet the child's needs.

Finally, what emotional support is your sister receiving? Some people shop to fill a need, or because they don't know what else to do. There may be a local group she can join, and the internet now provides a wealth of different online groups for discussion and support.

[from a mum to an autistic 6yo - posted with the aim of stopping the sister from putting the mum further into debt ]

SueDerbyshire

sourcrates wrote: »

Hi again,


What a terrible situation for you, but an increasingly common one unfortunately.


To answer your question, unsecured debt is last on the list of priorities, all other costs would be met first, funeral, etc, then if there was any money left in your mothers estate, for example, money from the sale of a house, any outstanding debt would be paid from that, anything left would go to whoever would be the executor of the will to distribute as your mother saw fit.

If there was no money in the estate, then the debts don't get paid, its that simple really.

If she has 25k of outstanding debt with these companies, and no payments are been made, things could get very messy, very quickly, has she a house, or does she rent ?

My mum rents and has no savings now. When my dad passed away 5 years ago my mum was left with some savings from the sale of a house they had, within a year that had been spent, on what I don't know but it was meant to be split amongst us 4 children, however, 2 of the children have had it all and more because my mum insisted of helping them out. It makes me sad because my mum and dad worked so hard all their lives and my dad would have never have let this happen.

So the best option is to pay little and often so that it keeps them all happy. Would it be wise to write a letter from my mum explaining that she is in debt and can't pay the normal payments and would like to work out a payment plan, of say £5 a month. Then send this letter to all the catalogues and await their response, obviously asking them to stop any interest.

I want to act quickly but not sure what the best way is.

Your help has been invaluable and I am already feeling better, thank you all so much.

SueDerbyshire

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

It would actually be DLA for a 4 year old, rather than PIP. If your sister isn't already claiming, I'd suggest that you provide her with Cerebra's guide to claiming DLA as it provides the best advice that I've found with regards to autism. Once DLA is awarded she would also be entitled to a premium on her CTC; and if she isn't working, potentially Carers Allowance or a carer premium added to IS.

Ensure also that your sister is receiving all the practical support she can get - for example, if the child has physical/sensory needs that she is shopping to meet, it would be advisable for Occupational Therapy to become involved as some items can be provided by them (rather than bought). Receiving disability benefits would also open the door to opportunities for grants from, for example, The Family Fund to meet the child's needs.


Finally, what emotional support is your sister receiving? Some people shop to fill a need, or because they don't know what else to do. There may be a local group she can join, and the internet now provides a wealth of different online groups for discussion and support.

[from a mum to an autistic 6yo]

Thank you for your advice, my sister gets a lot of help with benefits and also has a lot of specialists involved in her sons care. She gets DLA and ESA and associated discounts on council tax and rent etc. I think that was half the problem because before her son was officially diagnosed she had very little money and budgeted, also her partner was around still. Once her son was diagnosed and the partner left she had more money that she was used to and started buying anything her son needed, such as a new bed, sensory room, a large pushchair etc. This obviously gave her the shopping bug I'm guessing and it's got out of control. She gets grants from family funds but then struggles to pay them back.

My sister has been badly treated by an ex husband who has managed to make her feel worthless with no confidence etc, she struggles to talk to people and therefore won't join any clubs. Also she has is my mum and I. She don't let anyone into her life, not even my brother who keeps trying to visit etc. As you can see she has a lot of under lying problems but when it comes to her son, she will do whatever it takes to help him and get him whatever he needs.

This is one of the reasons my mum feels sorry for her and doesn't want to get her involved in this whole mess.

Thank you for your help.