Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 2 - Groundhog Day

crazy_cat_lady

Still under a humungous pile of marking and other stuff at the moment. But half term is here!
I've had a couple of days away in the Lake District, just me and the kids in a quiet cottage with a hot tub. I feel like a complete b I t c h because dh is quite poorly again but I have tried to help him and I can't, so I've gone for a bit of self preservation. I feel bad, and very selfish but I have to look after myself. I can already see a massive shift in my attitude from the last time dh was this ill. Like this dull realisation that there's nothing I can do - I've never felt like that before - I've always thought we can fight it together, but I've had this epiphany of me trying to control things, and I can't want it for him. I feel sad about it but I also feel l've just given up. Ah well. In the same way he can't help being depressed, I can't help my feelings either.
The weekend away was fantastic though - I had a brilliant time. I was exam marking, but just got the chance to switch off and relax a bit. I liked it so much that I've booked to go back again in the summer holidays. That also feels extravagant but I do work very hard for it, and it's not like I'm out on the town every night. Just my wool addiction to feed

Eager_Elephant

How lovely to read that you have managed to get away for a short break.

Sorry to read that DH is very poorly again but I am pleased to see that you have realised that you can't 'save' him, I agree that when you have a partner with depression you do eventually get to the point of self-preservation.

I reached that point many years ago when I left him behind when we due on a day trip and he was in a mood, he was so shocked I didn't go back for him. The kids and I had a lovely day and after that he did improve.

I am waiting for a sign of deep depression as DH's step-dad passed away last month and the funeral was only last week but 'touch wood' he seems to be coping really well. I often ask how he is and he says he is fine, I asked how come he was coming so well and he said that his step-dad would not want him to get depressed and so he is trying to be strong.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the week and you get to do some other fun things.

Phil&Michelle

you need this mug in your life and its a bargin lol https://www.animalgiftclub.com/acatalog/Tea-Time-Gift-Set---Crazy-Cat-Lady-73075.html?gclid=CjwKCAiAtorUBRBnEiwAfcp_Y_5ZccSJEJ15myiGqXiT7HWUHLKhbXFBg_kS06WAwIJlOFlPVLJtzBoCbuoQAvD_BwE

crazy_cat_lady

Hi again all :hello:
I'm just reaching the end of a fairly slobby, sitting on my bum kind of a week. It's been great, and I still feel as though I could have another week off and not notice. Not that I mind work at all, it's just the less you do then the less you feel like doing.
Phil&Michelle - I love the mug set - feel like I might need it in my life.
EE - so lovely to hear from you. I have been reading your diary - you've really been through a tough few weeks, and I'm glad to see that you're back and doing ok. Thanks, as always, for your reassurance. I know we don't know each other for real, but I really do respect your opinion as I think we have very similar situations, and it helps so much to hear what other people in the same place as me are thinking. I've had so much well-meaning advice from people who just have no clue, and some really brilliant advice from good friends. I wish it were just as straightforward as deciding that's that, or forcing him to get 'fixed' . Someone told me the other day that it wasn't fair of me to put the kids through this, which has really upset me. He's their dad and he's ill - I need to put the resources in place to help them to deal with things like this because God knows that real life can be a bit of a bummer sometimes.

SpekySquarehead

Hey CCL,

Playing a bit of catch up here.

Sorry to hear that DH isn't doing too well. You've been through so much that I'm sure you'll do what's best, as always.

I'm glad you enjoyed the time away and have got to re-charge the batteries. We all need days like those from time to time, so don't kick yourself about it.

PurpleFairy26

Glad you had a good break. Hope work hasn't been too bad this week. You do an amazing balancing act of all the things in your life, keep strong and don't feel like you have to change for anyone.

Florence_J

In terms of my relationship with my OH, I am the one who suffers from depression/anxiety/mental health, and my OH has long 'suffered' as a result of this.

I am not to blame for my mental health, neither is your OH, but you definitely need to do some self preservation, and when you feel the moment calls for it, you are completely justified in putting yourself and your needs first and being firm.

My OH being tougher on me was the best thing that could have happened to help me get better. I don't know your OH, I don't know what he goes through, but mental health is a selfish and cruel disease, but it is also capable of making those who suffer from it needlessly needy and selfish themselves. Sometimes tough love is the very thing we need.

I fully expect my OH to be tough on me when I am being unreasonable, but I also expect him to be sympathetic towards me. It's a tough balancing act, but I think given the length of your relationship you will know how to act.

crazy_cat_lady

Hey
I am actually the laziest human being on the planet. Every day I get up and I intend to come on here and every day I never get round to it, once I've balanced teaching work, exam work, being a mam, hubby's health and my own health. Sorry. I miss everyone here, and I miss my quiet place to just be me, but I can't seem to shift myself further up my own priority list.
Hubby is still off work. In fairness to him, he is making some effort - he took himself back to the doctor and has stopped drinking at the moment. He also managed a weekend of looking after the kids while I was away working in London last weekend, and they all survived. He isn't back at work yet, and god knows when he will be, but we'll see.
As for me, I'm not great myself at the moment unfortunately. Anxiety is through the roof and I'm so stressed I feel as though I'm going to have a heart attack most of the time. I've completely lost the ability to make a decision about anything. Even small stuff. I can't decide what to eat or watch on telly, never mind any of the important stuff. I'm on the edge of a burn out but there are only a couple of weeks until Easter when hopefully I can catch up on some sleep.
It's weird, because I have a really loud voice in my head constantly telling me how fat/useless/lazy/pathetic etc I am, when actually I am still going and still trying my hardest. However, some days I do just want to disappear away from everything and hide from the world. We'll see. I actually feel quite a bit better for having come on here and just spilled my guts. My whole relationship with dh is one thing constantly going round in my head. Part of me wants to give up and walk away, and the rest of me loves him to death and wants to keep fighting, but it's hard when you get very little in return - he's like another one of my children, and I just desperately want him to be my equal.
Best stop there otherwise I'll start crying and we don't want that.
Other than that, life is plodding on as usual. My children are fantastic, work is fine but busy, the cats are fine but keeping me busy and I try and do a bit of crochet every day to wind down. Roll on the white Easter holiday I keep hearing about.

SpekySquarehead

CCL - It's great to see you back and indeed, life has a tendency to get in the way of seemingly meaningless things such as this, but as you pointed out, a simple anonymous diary gives you the platform to be open and honest, with a view to not necessarily get other peoples opinions, but to see how you feel in black and white and let that weight off your shoulders.

Keep posting if you can. Even if it's a couple of sentences on how the crochet is going, is all important.

Eager_Elephant

(((CCL)))

Good news that DH is trying to sort himself out rather than wallow and not do anything, I think the thing that doesn't help his mental health is his drinking so its good he has stopped.

I notice your anxiety gets so much worse when your DH is poorly and I agree with the comment of having 3 children. Usually in a marriage/partnership things are shared whether that's chores/bills/problems and people can offload but you don't have him to do any of this and it must be so tough on you.

I know your bestie is a fab support - have you seen her lately? if not make time in the holidays as she is a breath of fresh air for you.

Hope you pop back soon