Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 2 - Groundhog Day

triple_choc_chip

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

I feel as though I'm letting the side down a bit on the money saving front as I keep getting money out of the bank every day to pay for the windows...

Think of it as saving on the heating bills - forever

Orange_Ena

Good luck with your observation next week, I'm sure everything will be great.

And congratulations on getting your new windows, andaying for them out of savings. Must be so satisfying :j:)

crazy_cat_lady

Morning all :hello:
I feel really tired today. Didn't sleep well at all. As is the case in my life generally, once one thing is going well I look for something else to worry about. So now that things are ok at work, I've started worrying about home again. Lots of thinking about my relationship with dh. I do love him but we really are just living side by side rather than actually being in a relationship. It's sad, but I am starting to get to the point where I'm wondering whether it's any good for either of us. He seems genuinely happy just in his own company and doing his own thing, which is great for him - but is way less keen on getting involved in family life. I don't think it's because he doesn't care, but I don't know. I think he's just that introverted. Anyway - I'm trying to figure out at the moment what is just my own anxiety and what is genuine cause for concern.
Had a nice day yesterday - spent most of it with bestie. We went to C0stco and did some shopping. It took way longer than I thought though, so I was tired when I got in. Did a bit of crochet in front of the telly, then went to bed and managed to lie awake for blimming ages before I fell asleep, then woke up a few times during the night as well. I gave up and got up just before 8 - put a load of washing on and then did a couple of hours of school work. It's done and out of the way for now - so I'm going tutoring in a couple of minutes and then I can enjoy the rest of the day just doing my own thing. Which in all honesty will probably be more crochet. I'm prepped for my observation now and the tests I had to look at have been marked so I'm going to relax. The weather is absolutely miserable so a day indoors will be good.
Also need to make sure that I prep some food and plan for the week ahead. Eating properly makes the world of difference to my mood.

crazy_cat_lady

Hello :coffee:
Well, what an utterly manic and hectic couple of days, but..... WE HAVE NEW WINDOWS!!!! And doors. After 13 years I finally have double glazing and am looking forward to getting up in the morning and not freezing my backside off as I walk past the front door because it's so old with a massive gap at the bottom. And no more condensation on the inside of the windows (I hope). And lower heating bills too I hope. I am devastated in my own way at handing over £4000 in cash to someone, and although I'm comforting myself with the fact that I had saved the money up and haven't gone into debt, it's going to be a frugal Christmas, and if anything goes wrong that requires me to spend money then I'm stuffed. This includes dh going off on the sick.
I was quite stressed yesterday when I got home - it was filthy. We've had gales and when they've taken the old windows out, everything has blown right through the house. There's a layer of dust over everything, and I had to do 3 hours of cleaning before I could sit down last night. We ended up getting takeaway because I was so worn out and then I couldn't sleep because I was fretting about how dirty the house was and my observation today. I ended up with just a couple of hours of sleep and have felt pretty grotty for most of the day.
Observation is over and done with, and fortunately went well. Got home tonight and the windows and doors are finished - 2 hours of cleaning (and it's still dirty). A mixture of being thrilled and really worried about handing over all that cash.
I would definitely have a headache if I didn't have the daith piercing done. I'm lucky in that I don't get the actual pain, but I can tell I'm worn out and I need a good rest. Telly, then bed for me!

SpekySquarehead

Glad the observation went well.

I would take it as a good thing that handing over so much cash is daunting. Clearly learned lessons from when you were in debt. I'd be worried if you didn't care!

crazy_cat_lady

Gosh, I woke up this morning feeling awful. It was a migraine for sure, but without the headache. Which is the oddest thing to try and explain, but basically I had a stiff neck and shoulders, pressure behind my eyes and I felt sick. Took migraine meds and it eased off by mid morning, but I was very tired. Work is non-stop. I thought that my promotion was more money for what I'd been doing anyway, but I have way less free time, and I get dragged into loads of meetings that I never saw last year.
I'm tired tonight but determined to get an early night and try and rest a bit more. Just need to use my time a bit more wisely at work. I have planning to do, marking to do, assessments to write, and I think that I need to just suck up the fact that I'll be very busy this weekend with work. It'll be worth it if I get on top of everything though.
On the plus side though, my house is beautifully warm and looks lovely.

crazy_cat_lady

Wow - I didn't realise that it had been so many days since I posted on here. Ooops - sorry. I have the best of intentions but then get a bit full of procrastination and other stuff and never get things done. Yet I always seem to be busy.
At the moment I'm trying to prepare for a few things that are going on - assessments at work that I have to write, a training session I'm delivering at a friend's school on Thursday, less free time, new marking policy etc. Things are quite manic, plus I'm now quite aware that Christmas is looming and my crochet is not going as well as I would like it to... I always completely underestimate what a perfectionist I am and how long it takes me to actually get stuff done.
Cleaner came for 3 hours today, and the house finally feels nice again, which I'm really happy about. It's one less thing I need to worry about, and she is some of the best money that I've ever spent. I wish I'd done it years ago.
Struggling a bit physically and mentally - I think it's all stress related. I don't get the headaches any more since my daith piercing, but I get the pressure behind the eyes and the stiff neck and I'm really, really tired. But I genuinely am not sure how I can reduce my stress levels at the moment...

crazy_cat_lady

Apologies
I am not giving my diary and other threads on here the care and attention that they deserve at the moment. Sorry.
I think I might be having what I consider to be a minor mental health crisis at the moment. Can't say for sure as it's self diagnosed, based on the fact that I tried every single day last week to get a doctor's appointment and there isn't anything available in the next fortnight at all. So I've decided myself that's what's going on. I'm not sure whether I need a doctor's appointment though - I mean what are they going to do? Put me on a waiting list for yet more counselling that I can't find the time to go to? They already said last year that I can't up my medication... I know what's wrong with me - I have general anxiety disorder and social anxiety. I know what I'm supposed to do in terms of thinking patterns and behaviours but I'm just absolutely exhausted at the moment. Having anxiety is exhausting on its own, plus our head of department has gone sick at work (leaving me in charge ) and the technician is off sick, and dh is doing nothing except drinking, sleeping and work, and the kids are lazy so and sos. I'm literally shattered all of the time, and then when I lie down I can't sleep, but I can't be bothered to do anything else either. I'm just annoying myself. Have to talk myself into getting out of bed in the morning because I'm worrying so much about anything and everything. It is utterly ridiculous.
Had my first ever public panic attack at work on Friday - thankfully it was other staff and not kids as we were on a training day. But I was so uncomfortable about walking around and getting into working groups with people I don't know well, or don't want to work with, and not wanting to answer stupid questions about what chocolate bar I would be... I held of as long as I could but ended up bursting into tears and running out of the hall. Utterly embarrassing and it's made me not want to go back to work tomorrow. Head of department still off, so I'm still in charge. Keep telling myself just one more week until half term so I really just need to survive. I keep trying to get myself into the mindset of more positive thinking but I just can't be bothered by the time I've done everything else that I have to do. I need a day with more than 24 hours in it - or the ability to clone myself so that I can do 2 things at once...
I feel utterly pathetic and desperately don't want to feel like this, but just can't seem to pull myself around at the moment. Sorry.

lcc86

Hi ccl, sorry to hear you're not feeling yourself at the moment. It sounds like you don't physically have enough time to do everything you need to. I know this might sound a bit extreme, it's something youve mentioned before, but have you considered a career change? I know you've only recently taken on a new role, but sometimes we have to do what's best for us, you need to be able to make time for things like counselling if you need it. We only get one body, one mind, and it can be easy to overlook our needs when we have so much on our plates.

Eager_Elephant

I don't know what to say CCL but wanted to post to send some ((hugs)) to you and to let you know that people on here really do care.

Do you think it is the new role which has triggered this? You posted before about more responsibility but being given less time to do it in. I know you are a perfectionist and wondered if this might be part of the reason.

I'm thinking along the same lines as lcc86, you don't have enough hours in the day to do everything so something has to give.
There are lots of teachers on MSE and what I have noticed is that they can only manage to juggle all their balls because either they have a supportive partner/husband who picks up some of the slack or they are single with either grown up children or no children.
I know you cant get rid of the children....................................