Money Moral Dilemma: Should we expect free childcare?

YORKSHIRE_GUY

If I read this right, they are looking after their daughter's children, but not their son's.

According to my parents it's not as good an idea to get attached to your son's kids as your daughters in case of divorce.

I wonder if the grandparents here as similarly as horrible as my parents?

Sorry mum and dad - but you said this.

.j.e.j

YORKSHIRE_GUY wrote: »

If I read this right, they are looking after their daughter's children, but not their son's.

According to my parents it's not as good an idea to get attached to your son's kids as your daughters in case of divorce.

I wonder if the grandparents here as similarly as horrible as my parents?

Sorry mum and dad - but you said this.

My gran wasn't much better - she openly favoured her son's kid over her daughter's kid. Presumably because she favoured her son over her daughter.

Spendless

YORKSHIRE_GUY wrote: »

If I read this right, they are looking after their daughter's children, but not their son's.

According to my parents it's not as good an idea to get attached to your son's kids as your daughters in case of divorce.

I wonder if the grandparents here as similarly as horrible as my parents?

Sorry mum and dad - but you said this.

No. My understanding is the dilemma comes from Dad and it is his wife's parents he is talking about who look after his wife's sister's children but not theirs.

The thing is if there is already one lot of children being looked after, it can be quite difficult to add another set in. My Neice was already being looked after by my MIL, whilst my sis in law worked f-time when my eldest was born. She didn't have the health to add in a baby to look after on a regular basis as well. A year after I had DS and had sorted out a job that meant I could work when DH was home, my sister had twins. My parents stepped in to help. I can't be upset that they did that. My sister was put in a more difficult situation than myself.
Things change over the years anyway. My parents are spending this week doing pick ups and drop offs for my DD attending summer camps, at 13 she's the only one left now that is still 'young' enough to need more adult interaction in what she does.

cyantist

I don't think you should expect free childcare at all, but I don't think it's too much to expect to be treated fairly. But obviously it depends on situation.

The OP said one of them has had to give up their job, so they have no childcare costs currently. If they can afford for one parent to not work, do they actually need the childcare? Of course it is expensive, but they can afford it at least. Maybe the sister and her partner genuinely couldn’t afford it and have a bigger need.

It may just be a case of the other sister got there first, but I don’t think that’s fair. If the parents are starting to think they shouldn’t have provided so much childcare in the first place, they can say they can no longer do it. Or if they wanted to treat both daughters equally they could maybe look after each set of children on two days a week. Personally though, I think if you have children you are responsible for childcare and neither families should be relying on elderly parents, certainly not on a full time basis.

Tiptaker

What? You moved across country in order to get free childcare (and then discovered it wasn't on offer)? At a basic level you should have asked if they would act as childminders before you assumed and up sticks. Check the depth of the water before jumping in.

If you have always taken for granted that your parents will upset their lives to ease yours without so much as a please or thank you, you can hardly blame them for closing the door.

DigForVictory

Families.
Siblings.
Childcare.
"Expect"

Any two of those can go bang, all four elements are explosive.

Without wanting to point any fingers much, you moved. To an more expensive place. What made you believe Grandparents Inc would be on tap?
Your actions suggest we're independent, autonomous, capable, we do not need the childcare.
Your words, when the hoped for future has not arrived on schedule, differ.

We have no idea what the setup is with sibling & grandparents, just rent-free childcare five days a week. What makes you so sure?
There may be rent but paid in groceries. There may be childcare, matched with elderly care out of hours. (You've moved. How do you know there's no need for assistance with bathing, a hearty lunk to fetch the groceries & scrub the floors & dust the high corners, someone who'll remake the bed after continence issues?)

I think a polite conversation is strongly indicated, but I'd leave the "we expected" attitude at home. Also bear in mind equal may definitely not mean fair. If they have become monsters of unfairness, you know what? It happens.

Can I suggest you live within your reduced means, love your children and your parents and your sibling & nephews & nieces and just be thankful that currently you all appear to have your health?

JayD

Sadly, I don't think anyone should expect free childcare from any of the grandparents. If it is offered, that is a different matter. But these people have already spent most of their lives bringing their children up and are entitled to continue 'parenting' with their grandchildren on a totally ad hoc/part time basis. It is tiring and can be quite difficult for older people to cope.

So, while I think the other children were fortunate to have benefited from the generous gesture it is wrong to expect these people to take on even more. When all said and done, we are the ones responsible for the care of the children we have and any external help is a delightful bonus.

thorsoak

"My sister-in-law and her husband have spent the last four years living almost rent-free at my in-laws, who also provided free childcare five days a week. My wife and I moved across the country thinking we'd get similar treatment, but we only get the odd half-day here and there. One of us has had to give up our job, and childcare is also more expensive here. Should we expect to be treated equally?"

Here's an alternative solution: You say that "one of you has had to give up our job" - so why does not stay at home parent register as a childminder and offer to look after sister-in-law's child/ren as well (for a fee maybe) -and give parents a much-needed break?

d70cw6

you sound like an entitled POS OP.
gratz.

lizbec

Speaking as a grandparent in my 60s..... I wouldn't expect payment for childcare. However, things have changed. I and my husband both still work and have an active social life. I also suffer from a chronic health condition which saps my energy. So, whilst I am happy to babysit as it gives me the chance to see my grandchildren, I wouldn't want or be able to commit to regular childcare.
As far as the issue of being treated differently is concerned - every child thinks they're unfavorably treated! I can remember feeling that way myself. Children's needs differ at different times and there will be times when one of them needs more support and attention. Get over it!