Money Moral Dilemma: Should we expect free childcare?

Potternerd

If one of you has given up work, why would you need childcare.

Also I agree with other posters; ridiculous not to have the conversation before making such a drastic change.

happyinflorida

This all depends on your relationship with your parents.

Some parents are generous with their time and money and love their children and their grandchildren and would do anything, especially to help but not all parents are like this.

Some parents made a mistake in having a child and will refuse to help at all because they don't really like children!

Personally I would say it depends on finances - if they know one child is struggling they may be more than happy to help out with looking after their grandchildren but if they know you are fairly well off that may be why they are refusing you.

Is there good childcare facilities in the area? That could also make a difference, if they know their grandchildren are not being well looked after they may be more inclined to help more - just saying!

Of course they are older now and may be finding it all too exhausting to take on any more kids!

Bellisima

People have children (their choice) yet expect the grandparents to look after them full time? I bet the grandparents in this case feel overburdened, but don't want to complain, When do they have "their time" to enjoy things they want to do in their retirement years? Many grandparents enjoy having the grandchildren every now and then, but full time? Nah.

Rubberchicken2

My parents do one day a week of childcare. I'm really grateful as it saves us a couple of hundred pounds a month. Even then I have offered to pay them and my husband has kept holiday days spare in case they ever want to go away one week. We've also kept things like the mortgage within our means in case my parents are no longer able to look after him. They should be enjoying their retirement. Looking after someone else's kids is already a huge undertaking and I can totally understand them not wanting to take on more. The conversation should have taken place before you moved but since it didn't be grateful they are still doing odd mornings. Maybe the person who has given off work could offer to look after the other kids a couple of days a week to give the parents a break?

jmecks

The facts, unless I’ve got it totally wrong:

Your sister-in-law’s husband is your brother, and their kids are your nephews and nieces.

By your in-laws, I’m assuming your wife’s parents.

Are your wife and sister-in-law sisters? In other words, did you and your brother marry sisters?

If not, then your nephews and nieces are not in any way related to your in-laws, and your kids are more deserving.

sid351

So your brother and his wife have been living at your in-laws? I presume this means your brother's wife's parents?

If so, they're not the grandparents of your kids. Unless your wife is related to them as well maybe?

I'm guessing the free rent & free childcare situation is part of a bigger agreement of sorts between the 4 of them. I'd imagine there is a bit of give and take you might not be privy to, or explaining here. Maybe your brother & his wife buy all the food, or pay all the bills or similar?

Maybe it's a fixed term thing where they're helping out so your brother's family can save for a deposit on their own family home?

In any case, moving based on an assumption seems a bit careless. Especially when it's such an entitled assumption.

To answer the question of "Should we expect to be treated equally?" I'd say no. Even if they were your parents (and so the grandparents of your kids) you shouldn't expect anything. It may be that in their eyes you are being treated fairly as they do things for you that they wouldn't do for the others and vice versa. Maybe you just don't need the same kind and level of help and support as others?

Symposium

The other couple are his wife's sister and her husband. We don't know if he has a brother, but in any case, it's not relevant to this thread.

suited-aces

You're going to be told you're not "entitled" to be treated equally to your wife's sister. Which is true. But by the same token, her parents are not "entitled" to see any of you. Even their grandchildren. They're not "entitled" to a single bit of help from you in the future. They're not "entitled" to you being there for them in their old age.

Sometimes family relationships go beyond what people are strictly "entitled" to, and if your in-laws are choosing to treat your wife as a second class daughter, and deny her the support they gave her sister, you cannot force them to do anything different about that now, but they will learn that actions have consequences.

I firmly believe that if your place your bets on having a favoured child, then you better hope that child comes through for you when you need it, because you can't expect the others to be doormats who pick up the slack but get none of the rewards.

Clairsdad

Experts write books about family dynamics... they are all quite different and when 2 people from different families get married negotiating exactly what kind of family values you are going to adopt is a minefield. Parents do have favorites, families conspire to support the baby/vulnerable one, they defer to the wise one and fawn over the successful one... to outsiders it makes no sense but the family myths support the way they behave. The relationship with the In-Laws is legendary... like dealing with a foreign tribe and the way they treat your spouse can be mind-blowing. Best advice is to make some distance while you establish your own family and only visit for brief intervals when you are feeling strong. Treat every new situation as a negotiation of give and take and once the arrangement is made don't moan about what is done, just live and learn.

Mojisola

MSE_Nick wrote: »

My sister-in-law and her husband have spent the last four years living almost rent-free at my in-laws, who also provided free childcare five days a week.

My wife and I moved across the country thinking we'd get similar treatment, but we only get the odd half-day here and there. One of us has had to give up our job, and childcare is also more expensive here. Should we expect to be treated equally?

As others have said, I can't believe you made a move that would have such an impact on your family life without talking about it with your in-laws!