First home in a relationship

NicNicP

My husband and I decided to move out together and went straight to the bank for a mortgage. We never considered renting as I view it as dead money. The fact that you're already thinking about what would happen when you split is possibly what's made him moody. It implies that you don't see yourself being with him in the future.

moneycantbuyyouhappiness

NicNicP wrote: »

My husband and I decided to move out together and went straight to the bank for a mortgage. We never considered renting as I view it as dead money. The fact that you're already thinking about what would happen when you split is possibly what's made him moody. It implies that you don't see yourself being with him in the future.

Exactly this. At the end of the day a mortgage is a huge committment, I think the sensible thing to do is ask yourself are you ready to make a committment? If not why? Renting is also a waste of money and energy if you can't see yourself with him for a length of time.

To him you are saying 'No I don't want to make a large commitment to you after 4 years, but if you take the financial responsibility and buy the house then I'll live with you.'

At the end of the day living together anyway you will squabble, have arguments over money. It's just how it is. But if you want to make it work You will. I'd be exceptionally hurt if after 4 years together my partner wasn't willing to commit in some way.

You are wanting to rent because it will be easier if you split - which isn't a good premise for a committed relationship.

Are you a little bitter that you have moved to his area? Not trying to be mean just an observation I know I was really unsure for a while before I agreed to move to my partners area.

xylophone

Are you sure that you are committed to your boyfriend?

Under the circumstances you describe, it seems to me that making any major purchase together, let alone a property would be an unwise decision.


Could you afford to rent a small place on your own or with another friend for a year or so?

This would give you a chance to re-assess your relationship and move on if necessary?

Kynthia

The OP is new to the area, only working part time, in a brand new job, has never lived with her partner before, and is young. I think they are valid reasons for not buying right now rather than just wanting to not buy in case the relationship doesn't work out. I don't think many people would advise the OP to take on a massive 25 year financial commitment tied to an asset that can be difficult to sell and lose value at times. Both need to be ready in their individual circumstances as well as together before taking on such a big commitment.

Also discussions would need to take place on how the ownership will be split, who pays what buying costs, what about maintenance, what is the exit plan should things go wrong, will they have wills to leave their share to each other or their next of kin, will they financially support each other I'd one loses their job or will it be a loan, etc. These things all need discussing when you aren't married (or have joined financially as if married). If they aren't able to have these discussions, respect their different options, compromise and come to an agreement then they aren't ready.

Money_maker

Worry-Warrior wrote: »

For no particular reason, however, we've only just started to save up a few months ago; I have been living with them for almost two years now.

Problem solved then as it'll be very unlikely that you have enough deposit for a mortgage. Do you want to live together, just the two of you?

WibblyGirly

Renting also affords much more flexibility in where you live so if you end up hating South Yorkshire you could both move to your home town much easier than if you had a mortgage. My partner and I would love to buy a house and while we do have a decent deposit we are not buying now as we have no idea which area we will live in once I've finished uni so we rent which is so much easier for us right now.

If he doesn't agree about renting why not go see a mortgage advisor? If he doesn't earn enough for a mortgage then he'll know he can't get one then renting will be his only option for now.

Worry-Warrior

marliepanda wrote: »

You cant move on with a partner and buy another house, because you're stuck in a mortgage with your ex. Who lives there whilst you try to sell? Whose house is it once you split up?

A mortgage can be a lifelong financial commitment. renting can be as short as 6 months.

Thank you.
This is exactly what I was worried about; this is exactly what I was trying to stipulate with him.

Cakeguts wrote: »

If you rent somewhere and then split up you can give notice and move. If you buy somewhere and then split up you will have to sell the house which could take months depending on the market but all the time you are selling it you have still got to pay the mortgage so where will you live?

If you buy something together and he works full time and you work part time how are you going to work out who owns what percentage of the house? If you can't agree now what is going to happen when he is paying more towards the house because he earns more?

Renting allows you to learn how to budget before you become responsible for all repairs as well as bills. Budgeting takes practice. When you buy a house you have to save all the time in order to pay for house maintenance. Who pays for the maintenance if you don't earn equal amounts? I can see buy a house in your situation as being a complete disaster.

You have to practice the economics of living together.

Very excellent points - I knew all of this, but I'm not sure if he did.
Thank you for putting this into a clearer perspective; I may show him this thread if he really won't take my word for it.

ruelle wrote: »

Also you don't want to buy a house with him. You shouldn't need to justify your decision anymore then you already have. If he really cared about you, he would respect that decision even if it wasn't the one he wanted.

Mortgage is a lifelong commitment. Buying a house together with the man you love should make you excited and happy not miserable and lonely. Do you want to be legally bound to this man for the next 25-30 years?

Well he said he wouldn't make me do anything I wouldn't want to do. And obviously, I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. But this is why I wasn't sure where to take this.
I knew one of us must have been right, but it was my word against his, and vise versa. My gut told me I was the one who was right.
But he's so stubborn! I don't know why he won't consider a rent... I wonder if something happened in his experience renting with his ex?... I'll ask him. And if that's the case, I'll remind him this is a completely different experience with a different landlord and a different girlfriend...

I was happy and excited, but this has obviously put a dampener on that. :undecided

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Ask your boyfriend how a 6/12 month AST is in any way shape or form the same kind of commitment as a 20+ year mortgage? I just cannot understand his logic there. To me it seems very sensible to rent together before buying particularly if neither of you have ever lived away from parents before. We see too many threads on here where couples have rushed straight into buying together and then the relationship has folded in under a year. Buying a home can be very stressful. Rent first so that you can learn to budget and run a household.

Yes! Yes, this is exactly what I was trying to put across!
And thank you, you've validated exactly what I wanted, and what I feel.

Pixie5740 wrote: »

You need to pay out for more bills and insurance when you buy your home compared with renting. For example tenants only really need contents insurance. Owner-occupiers should probably have buildings insurance since it would be a joint mortgage you would probably need to look at something like life with critical illness cover because if, God forbid, something happens to one of you the property could become a real millstone round your neck. A home owner would also have to pay for maintenance and repairs. A new boiler will set you back £2k.

Bolded for a reference point.
I really appreciate your information. Thank you.

csgohan4 wrote: »

Seems boyfriend wants to use you to buy a house for himself and not smart enough there are other issues with buying a house compared to just renting

Do you think so?..
Throughout the entire time we've been wanting to move in together, he's involved me in everything: looking up houses, going to a mortgage broker for advice, buying furniture, appliances, etc with me.
I don't feel he wanted the house all to himself - maybe now he does, it's hard to say But yes, I feel maybe he wasn't aware of the other issues.
Or maybe he was aware, but thought he could smooth over it. I really don't know... :wall:

NicNicP wrote: »

We never considered renting as I view it as dead money.

Exactly my boyfriend's opinion on the matter.

NicNicP wrote: »

The fact that you're already thinking about what would happen when you split is possibly what's made him moody. It implies that you don't see yourself being with him in the future.

I disagree. I brought it up a long time ago, when he first brought on the idea of a mortgage, and he agreed that we needed to be realistic and think about what might happen if it falls through. I believe he is acting like this because I have - possibly out of the blue for him - said I'm not ready for a mortgage and want to rent.

moneycantbuyyouhappiness wrote: »

Exactly this. 'No I don't want to make a large commitment to you after 4 years, but if you take the financial responsibility and buy the house then I'll live with you.'

At the end of the day living together anyway you will squabble, have arguments over money. It's just how it is. But if you want to make it work You will. I'd be exceptionally hurt if after 4 years together my partner wasn't willing to commit in some way.

You are wanting to rent because it will be easier if you split - awesome premise for a committed relationship. Are you a little bitter that you have moved to his area? Not trying to be mean just an observation I know I was really unsure for a while before I agreed to move to my partners area.

I understand why you might see me in a bad light for wondering the possibility of the relationship falling through. Truth be told, this isn't my first long term relationship; I was very emotionally invested in my last relationship, and didn't think we would break up. When we did, I viewed relationships differently; I'm more cautious in them now, to the point where I see relationships can fall apart.
I don't mean to come across as someone who is cynical of relationships, or I have no faith in this one. I wouldn't have been with him for four years if I didn't have faith. I just wanted to be sensible by covering all bases, including what would happen to the rented property/bought house if the relationship didn't work out.

xylophone wrote: »

Are you sure that you are committed to your boyfriend?

Under the circumstances you describe, it seems to me that making any major purchase together, let alone a property would be an unwise decision.


Could you afford to rent a small place on your own or with another friend for a year or so?

This would give you a chance to re-assess your relationship and move on if necessary?

I am committed. I want to live with him, and there are two ways to do it: renting or mortgage. I picked renting because it's a good starting point, is it not? A mortgage is something I held as something you do when you know what it's like to live together alone. We don't have that experience. My query was if I was right, or if he was right, or what to do if neither of us were right.

And unfortunately no, I don't have any close enough friends up here for me to ask if I can crash at theirs, let alone anyone to live with. My choice is stay at a hotel for a week, give him some space to think, but have to use some of the savings I've put away for moving (ironically); or move back to Manchester with my parents, and with this option I will also have to give up my job.

Kynthia wrote: »

The OP is new to the area, only working part time, in a brand new job, has never lived with her partner before, and is young. I think they are valid reasons for not buying right now rather than just wanting to not buy in case the relationship doesn't work out. I don't think many people would advise the OP to take on a massive 25 year financial commitment tied to an asset that can be difficult to sell and lose value at times. Both need to be ready in their individual circumstances as well as together before taking on such a big commitment.

Also discussions would need to take place on how the ownership will be split, who pays what buying costs, what about maintenance, what is the exit plan should things go wrong, will they have wills to leave their share to each other or their next of kin, will they financially support each other I'd one loses their job or will it be a loan, etc. These things all need discussing when you aren't married (or have joined financially as if married). If they aren't able to have these discussions, respect their different options, compromise and come to an agreement then they aren't ready.

Thank you. These are all excellent points as well, and thank you for making me feel that I'm not just being pessimistic about the relationship. It is a big commitment, of course I want both of us to be careful.

Person_one

I bought a place with my partner without renting together or living together at all beforehand. I do not recommend it!

We split after less than a year, having been absolutely certain before we bought the place that we were definitely going to be together forever, getting married in a year or two etc etc. The fact is that you can never know for certain if a relationship is going to last and one of the biggest tests is living together! You might go from loved up and planning for the future to irritated by the mere sight of each other in just a few months, like we did!

Luckily, his salary had gone up in the time we had the property and mine went down so it made sense for him to buy me out, and it was in a location where prices had risen steeply so there was enough equity gained that I could put a deposit down on a place of my own and we both ended up ok out of it. If neither of us could have afforded the place on our own, or it had gone down in value not up, it could have been a massive headache at a time that was stressful enough anyway. Even with a clear agreement on what was going to happen and neither of us wanting to prolong it, it still took about 6 months to be free of the place and of each other.

Worry-Warrior

Money_maker wrote: »

Problem solved then as it'll be very unlikely that you have enough deposit for a mortgage. Do you want to live together, just the two of you?

Yes And actually, we do have enough for the deposit, but I wasn't sure on going ahead with the mortgage when we don't know what it's like to live together.

WibblyGirly wrote: »

Renting also affords much more flexibility in where you live so if you end up hating South Yorkshire you could both move to your home town much easier than if you had a mortgage.

Yes! Thank you!

WibblyGirly wrote: »

If he doesn't agree about renting why not go see a mortgage advisor? If he doesn't earn enough for a mortgage then he'll know he can't get one then renting will be his only option for now.

He understands he can't afford it alone. But the issue is that he doesn't want to rent, whereas I do.
In fact, I'm not ruling out a mortgage altogether. I think it's a good idea for the long term.
But I wanted a way where we could live together, alone, for a short period - say, 6 months? - and see what it's like to fend for ourselves. Renting seemed like the natural, obvious solution!
But since he was so stubborn I thought that meant I was wrong. And that was why I ended up here.

Pixie5740

Renting is not dead money. I really wish people could grasp the concept that rent pays for the roof over your head and isn't dead money. Sure you never see the money back but you don't see mortgage interest back either. There are a number of circumstances where renting is a better option than buying.